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Hi I'm new to this site and I was looking over the posts to see if my story is the same as someone else's. I haven't found any so I will tell mine and please any of you share your thoughts!!! I was 14 yrs old when I had my baby girl. Me and my mom always got along like sisters. My father had died when I was 10mths old and the only guy that raised me since I was four was my mom's boyfriend. Well he molested me when I was 11 yrs old. I guess I became sexually active and really never thought why. He wasn't allowed around me no more and the way me and my moms relationship was she always let me do whatever I wanted. Well I got rebellious started skipping school, hanging out with the wrong people stuff like that. Well before I knew I was pregnant my mom was talking with my counsler and she thought it was a good idea for my mom to take me to court. My mom thought that the judge was just going to scare me into straighting up. Well before my court date, I found out I was pregnant and my mom was not happy. She wanted me to get an abortion and I didn't want to. So when my court date came there was a cys caseworker there and they planned on locking me up. My mom had told them I was pregnant and so the judge decided to put me in an unwed mothers home, thinking that would help me. Boy was he wrong. I was 13 and all I did was get into fights with other girls during and after my pregnancy. I had my little girl and I loved her with all of my heart. My mom kept sending me letters asking me to put her up for adoption, I wasn't going to do that. Well the place decided to put me in a more structured facility and they put my daughter in foster care at 6mths old. I was not happy. I went with the flow at the facility so I could get out and be with my daughter. Well I found a foster home when I was 16yrs old. I was getting visits with my daughter and at the court hearing they told me I had 2 choices, I could go home without my daughter or stay in the foster home for 3 months with her and then go home. I chose to go home. I figured I havent been home since I was 13 and I really missed my mom and we could get a lawyer and get my daughter back. Well that didn't work out as planned. Me and my mom got into a fight and she told me she wishes I would take pills and die so I took 20 tylenol and ended up in the mental ward. My mom called my caseworker and told her what was going on because I refused to talk to my mom. So I ended up in a shelter looking forwards to foster care again. The plan was me and my daughter would enter foster care together. Well this woman, I'll call her Karen and her daughter that was 13 at the time wanted to take us both in. They were telling me how cool they were and how good it would be to live with them. So I took the offer. It was the worst mistake I ever made. The foster agency wanted to see how I was going to do there first before my daughter came in the picture. The first day I was there I was hit accidentally by a blazer and I ended up in the hospital for 3 days. I broke my wrist, bruised my kidney and cut my liver but other than that I was ok. After I healed up my daughter came. Everything was good at first. Then Karen started her crap. She would tell me that technically that she was my daughters mother. Then she asked me not to give my daughter so much juice because she couldn't afford diapers. She acted like her mother not me. She's the one who drove, cooked the meals etc. I felt like if I was just a babysitter. Me and Karen never got along. I needed physical therapy for my wrist and I did something wrong and she told me she wasnt going to take me. Well I had a foster sister living with me and we got into a physical fight. She started calling me names because I had a daughter so young. Well it was decided that I stay in a temp foster home while everyone else went on vacation out of state. I was really upset that I couldn't be with my daughter. Out of the blue one day Karen asked me what I thought about them adopting my daughter. I didn't understand and I said it would be alright but at that time I never thought that it could be possible unless I signed my rights away. I really didn't understand why she was asking me that. Well it finally came down to me leaving there and me telling her that I wanted to be a kid, I wanted to be with my daughter but not under their roof. I didn't want to move my daughter around either. Well I got moved to a temp foster home and I called my caseworker to see if I can have visitation rights with my daughter and she said yes but we are going to adpot her out. I wasn't happy and I didn't understand how they could without my permission. Well I got moved to a couple different foster homes and I ran away from one. I got caught at my moms house about 3 months later and I was put into a group home. I still had visitation rights with my daughter. CYS told me I would still have visitation with her until my rights were taken away. Well there was a termination hearing 4 months before my 18th birthday. Isn't that nice huh? Well Karen got on the stand and said I wasn't changing her diapers and a bunch of lies and nonsense, and the director from the unwed mothers home said a bunch of bull too. The counseler that me and my mom saw said that she felt like I wasn't a good mother, she never even saw me with my daughter to make that sort of judgement. Well the judge took mine and the fathers rights away. The father was in and out of jail and didn't meet his daughter till she was 3. I was devastated. I cried real hard. My mom said she tried calling me at the group home to appeal it but no one gave me any messages and I didn't even know I could of or I would of. Well I turned 18 and moved with my mom. I called Karen to see if I could still have contact with my daughter. She said we don't want to confuse her and don't send her anything. I was mad. My CYS caseworker said I could have an open adoption but as I found out it was up to the aparents. The aparents wouldn't let anyone have contact with her. Well she was on my mind often. I couldn't just let go, forget about her. I went to their house in 2001 when my daughter was 8 and I knocked on the door. No anwser so I thought no one was home. I got into my car ready to leave and the cops showed up telling me that If i ever came back I was going to jail. I am not a predator. I just wanted to see how she was doing. They could of said you should call and we can talk but calling the cops went too far. As I said before I was very bitter about Karen taking my daughter away from me in the first place. Do you really think I'm going to call her now after they called the cops on me. I could never understand why she wanted to adopt in the first place when she had two daughters of her own. Well I sit here now very angry, hopeless, pissed off, and all of these other emotions. Last year in 08 I was on a chat room and saw my daughters profile. I was shocked. She was 13 now and I wanted to talk to her. I was very happy I had found her. It had been 10yrs. Not knowing what she looked like or how she was. I decided to send her a message and she sent me one back. I knew that Karen hated me and even If i called the house I would get an excuse. I had sent her a birthday card that year, no response. Well my daughter was so happy that she was talking to her bmother. She wanted to meet me. I wasnt going to pass that chance up. She told me she loved me and that she needs her real mom. She was talking crap on her amother and I really didn't care. I wasn't going to say anything bad about Karen, that's the one who was raising her. Well my daughter called me like 5 mins later and was telling me that her amother was talking all this crap on me. I couldn't believe it. I was so angry. So I started to tell my daughter that we never got along and I don't like her. She proceeded to tell me that Karen doesn't like you and she told me I'm not allowed to see you until I turn 18. I think that is messed up. Well the next day I took my son with me and met her at the store with one of her friends. It was a day that I'll never forget. She told me stuff like I've been in her life all along. We planned on meeting at the mall later that week. I asked her friends what she thought about me and they said she is the happiest she's ever been in a long time. So in the meantime I went to see a lawyer because my daughter asked if I can fight to get her back, she was begging me. The lawyer told me the only way I could have a chance is if they were abusing her. So at the mall I asked her and she said that Karen and her asister, that she has no door on her room and her asisters boyfriend lives with them, and how she's always cleaning up their messes. Well I gave her a cell phone so I could keep in touch with her I bought her 2 shirts and a pair of shoes. She told me that Karen never gives her money for the mall. She was wearing an old pair of shoes. Her friends told me that they also seen her being hit. I asked her what Karen said about them taking my rights away. She said Karen told her because of drugs. What?! Liar! I told her I felt Karen stole her from me. Well that night I called CYS. Well it backfired on me. They were asking too many questions and not thinking I had anwsered them all. About her adad living with her asister and a bunch of other stuff. I did not tell them who I was. Well Karen got suspicious and forced my daughter to tell her and she blamed it on her bgrandmother which frankly I didn't talk to, she's not a good person at all. She beat up my mother who is in a wheelchair because of ms and I told my daughter that too. I guess her bgrandmother had called Karen to see how my daughter was doing and Karen let her talk to her, but they never met that's later. CYS was there and didn't see no reason to take my daughter out of there told her to clean up her room, go figure... My daughter asked me not to call CYS again and I didn't. Over the next few days she would call me a couple times a day. I was so happy. Her amom never knew about the cell phone. On Sunday I had noticed she tried to call me on Sat around 11pm and thought that it was weird. So I called the phone and no anwser. Well I got served with a pfa on Monday and I thought what the heck is this? I never abused her. I never was in trouble with the law before. I didn't understand. Protection from Abuse??? So I text her friend What's going on? No response until later that day saying Who's this? I never messaged back figuring it was her parents that were strict and I didn't want to get her in trouble. Well I was talking to her other friend and she had no idea what was going on either. I had got a message from my daughter asking for my address because she wanted to send me some school pics, I knew it wasn't her I knew it was Karen trying to get me to violate the pfa. I told my fiance I wasn't falling for it. I knew how she was and she hasn't changed, childish and immature. Someone in their late 40's should really be more adult like. Well I couldn't understand why the pfa on the top said it was faxed from a hospital. It made me think Karen took her there and said that I was abusing her or something. Honestly I didn't know what to think. I was talking with my daughters friend and she told me that Karen had called her mom at work and told her I was in jail a couple of times and that she too should get a pfa against me. I said I never been in jail in my life. I'm not that kind of person. She told me her mom said she wasn't going to put a pfa agaisnt me because she didn't even know me. Well so I am sitting there with this pfa, dont know who ordered it, no seal on it, handwritten, and I couldn't even read the signature. It was just a couple of big circles. I had no idea what Karen claimed I did. Well the next day I get a phone call from Karens police dept. The officer was going off on me. I told him no I didn't understand it. He was saying something about having contact with a third party. I thought he was talking about me talking to my daughters friend. So while I am on the phone there are two police officers at my door and the one on the phone wanted to talk to them. So I gave the one the phone. They asked the one on the phone do you want her and then they said we got her. I was 6mths pregnant at the time and I also have 2 other children. My son who was 4 at the time saw them put me in handcuffs and take me away. I cried the whole time. I was really scared. I thought you only went to jail if you do something criminal or against the law, boy was I wrong. So the cops told me not to run because they don't want to have to "taze" me and laughed. While the cops were arresting me my fiance wanted to ask them a question and they asked him if he wanted to go to jail too. They told him to shut up. I told him dont worry about it because I was worried about my other kids. Well they took me to jail and gave me a paper on why I was there. Karen had put that I violated the pfa because I texted her friend what's going on and I tried to call my daughter. I did. But when I tried to call my daughter, it was my phone and I'm not stupid after I got the pfa, I blocked my number, no one anwsered and I didn't leave a message and then I shut the service off. So there I am in jail really pissed off and scared sitting on a metal bench being treated like I murdered someone for 33 hrs at 6 mths pregnant. Well my fiance had to pay a bail bondsman $180.00 to get me out or I would of been there until my hearing which was a week later. I had to get an attorney. There was no way I was going back to jail!! Well I had the hearing and my daughter wasn't there. Supposedly she was on a field trip for school. But Karen and her two daughters 24yrs and 30yrs old were there along with their FREE attoreny. I had to pay $1,000 for mine! I'm sorry but I'm not rich. My fiance was also there. Well I guess Karen was trying to get a temp pfa agaisnt me. This is the first time that I had saw the papers on why i got a pfa in the first place. My police dept claimed that i was given a copy but never was. It claimed that I attempted to get my daughter in the car, Liar, I asked her friend if they needed a ride to the mall I would give them one. It said I lured my daughter to the store, Liar, she asked me if I would meet her there. It said harassment and fear of kidnapping, what?! I'm not a child predator like she makes me out to be. Just a bmother wanting to have contact with her daughter!! I think Karen has jealously issues. Well after that I was mad and I still am. I will never like Karen and call her a good person, I think she is evil. I started talking to my daughters real grandmother. My fiance gave me the idea since her and my daughter have talked. She told me that yea they met and went to an amusement park together. Isn't that nice! She told me my daughter said she hated me but she thinks it was because her amom was around. Well she told me my daughter was going to spend the night at her house on the weekend and she'll talk to her for me and call me. Well no phone call so I called her,she was in the shower and my daughter anwsered the phone. I told her who I was and she said don't talk to me and hung up the phone. I was very confused and hurt. Her grandmother called me later and said she was bitter at me and angry with me. She said my daughter said she wishes I was dead and not her bdad. that she hates me and she had to go to counseling because of me and that I am a liar. I was blown away. My daughter told her grandmother that she feels bad for my kids and she's going to take them and raise them and that I ruined her life. To this day I am still confused of why she is so mad at me and supposabley she never wants me in her life ever. I didn't know that while I was talking with my daughter she was acting out and calling Karen names. I never wanted that to happen. The funny thing is she started calling her names before I did. The only reason I started is because Karen was saying lies on me to my daughter about how many guys I slept with and so on. At one point after the pfa I did tell her friend that Karen doesn't love her is because how can she not let the people that love and miss her out of her life. Karen also changed her first name at the age of 4yrs which I think is messed up. I have no contact with anyone anymore. I chose to stop talking to her bgrandmother because I was tired of hearing about my daughter and how she gets to see her plus she told me she has hepatitis C and I have 3 kids of my own I have to worry about. They are my life. I do a lot for them and they are all happy even my 9mth old. I did have another little girl who is going to be 3 in September and it's hard because I remember when my other daughter was that age, and they look so much alike. I look at my daughters profile once in a while on the computer and she acts like she loves her adoptive family now. She says her amom is awesome and she loves her sisters to death. I'll admit I am very hurt by it. I don't understand how she can go from saying she loves me to she hates me, all because Karen doesn't like me? Karen did get her bacholers degree in physcology and she has been working at a hospital that has a women's shelter for violence, that's where the pfa came from. Her daughter and sister work there too. They all have a different job. Alot of people that I have talked to seem to think that Karen is playing mindgames with my daughter and threating her. I don't know what was said to her when Karen found out that she was talking to me and I am the one that called CYS. But whatever it was I am afraid that my daughter will never want anything to do with me again and that really hurts~ I am 28yrs old now and I just think well maybe when shes 18, but I don't know. Please if you have any comments I would love to hear them. Thank you for reading my story
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OMG! I read your story and I feel so sad. The entire situation seems a mess from even your own birth.
I am no expert in psychology, but I did take Psych 101 and from your story it sounds like Karen is very manipulative and good at it. And you are a victim of circumstance. As an adult with children, have you, or do you have therapy? Do you or have you ever kept a journal?
It might be a good idea for you to keep a journal similar to the post you have written here and start from the beginning, even childhood. Write down everything that you can remember now. Especially while it is fresh and while you are mad. Be yourself. Don't hold back. Say what you need to say. Doing this will help you vent, and will help you to put things into perspective when you look back at what you have written.
Although it will be so hard, try not to speak negatively about the afamily. Your daughter is vulnerable right now and they are all she knows. She is probably easily influenced. Drilling ideas on a daily basis will alter many peoples views on others, especially teens.
What state do you live in? Research the Welfare and Family Laws of your state. You can also get you criminal history printout from the Department of Justice for a fee. It should list anything you have been convicted of, that way you know where you stand as far as credibility. Remember, when and if you are ever interrogated, or arrested it is your RIGHT to REMAIN SILENT!!! Practice that right with a vengance! Do not speak! You never have to talk without legal counsel, EVER!!!
This may be a long and heart wrenching route. But, like my dad always says..."The squeaky wheel gets the grease." Your daughter will come back to you with many questions once she understands more about life and that there are always two or more sides to every story.
Stay positive make a metal picture of how you want and see things will work out.
Everything starts as a thought
The tables always turn
Love conquers all.:evilgrin:
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Wow, you have been through an incredible amount of crap in your lifetime. I was caught up in the juvenile justice system when I was a teenager (early '70s), so I do know how the system can jerk a kid around.
As far as your daughter goes, it sounds like she's about 14 years old now, judging from your statement that you're 28. You found out the hard way that it wasn't a good idea to meet up with her alone, without her adoptive mother's permission, while she was still a juvenile. The hard fact you need to accept right now is that Karen is her legal parent. Karen has the legal right to keep you from contacting your daughter until she turns 18 and is considered an adult in the eyes of the law.
I know you're in an awful lot of pain right now and feel badly hurt and betrayed...I can hear it in your story. But please take my advice...don't try to contact your daughter until she's an adult. Karen has already shown that's she's willing and eager to press charges against you. She'd probably enjoy seeing you put in jail. Do NOT give her the satisfaction.
Believe it or not, I have seen an eerily similar situation. My second stepmother did almost the same exact thing to a pregnant teenager back in the 1980s. My stepmother wound up with her daughter, and then she turned on the teenager and threw her out of the house...threatened her with jail when she tried to reclaim the little girl. The "adoption" was never legalized. The birthmom filed a complaint with Child Protective Services, but nothing happened. I have never understood how CPS allowed my stepmother to keep the child at all...but she did. I know she never would have been able to pass a homestudy, not with her record and history of drug abuse and fraud.
Hang in there, and keep posting here. There are some really great people from all three sides of the triad here. I know it helps to get stuff off your chest, and we're all pretty good listeners. By the way, do you do any journaling at all? I bet you would be good at keeping a journal of your experiences and feelings.
Try not to worry about how your daughter feels about you at this age. I imagine her feelings are all over the place...most young teenagers' feelings are pretty volatile. I have a strong suspicion that she'll contact you when she's an adult. But in the meantime, please don't put yourself in the line of fire.
Thanks Raven and Midrash for your help. I have been thinking about starting a journal and putting my thoughts on paper! I just don't understand how some people can sleep at night knowing that there is somebody hurting inside because of them. I have not gotten therapy because I feel like I cannot trust anyone. My own therapist betrayed me in court. I can tell you this even though I have had a very hard life I feel like I turned out alright. Sometimes I feel like my past still haunts me in the present. I try not to let my kids know there is something bothering me but sometimes its hard. It's hard for me to understand why karen would just do something so harsh to somebody. Thank You for replying ")
((((honeybee))))) Wow, this Karen woman sounds like a real piece of work. And it's clear from a young age, you got caught up in the system, and not to your advantage. I can totally understand why you would be angry and hurt, but I have to agree with the others. Please don't give this Karen woman (or anyone else) ANY ammunition that they can use against you. It seems like a long time, but your daughter will be 18 in just a few short years, and my guess is she will come back to you. In the meantime, I would document EVERYTHING as it truly happened, and you could also keep a journal for your daughter so she can read it later, and know that you have always loved her and cared for her. :grouphug:
I am sorry you have been through so much. I do have to echo what other's have said. AT this point in time the amom is the legal mom in the eyes of the law. Even though you did not intentionally set out to stalk your bdaughterI can see how it would appear that way in a courtroom. Alos, it is not at all uncommon for a 13 year old to vent about their parents be it aparents or bparents. When you bdaughter finally feesed up about your finding her in a chat room and talking to her friends it all got twisted around.
A few years agio when I first got into search and the adoption community there was a situation where a bgrandma recruited some searchers to find her grandchildren. Only on grandchild was approaching 18 but the alleged "search angel"called the aparents and ended up arranging a meeting with the minor adoptees. Needless to say the law got involved and it did not turn out well at all.
As difficult as it is, I would advise you to not make any attempts to contact bdaughter either directly or through her friends. Breaking an order of protection is very hard to beat and you probably will end up doing jail time if caught.
EZ
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No matter how hard it is, respect the law. As others have said - you will end up in 'hot water" that you may not be able to get out of - even if it isn't your fault. Take the time to reflect, get counselling and respect the order. Whether it is because of you or someone else, respect the distance and find a "legal" way to find your way back. Take care and I am a true believer that all will work out in the end.
As an adoptive parent myself I can say that I agree that Karen took the appropriate steps for her daughter.
You had no legal right to contact your child after the adoptive parents told you there would be no contact. You certianly shouldn't have showed up on their doorstep unannounced (I would have called the cops as well).
Of course you are free to check her profile on the computer since it was open to the public. But to get so involved with her and her friends behind her parents back and against their wishes, calling her on the phone, meeting her, offering to give her rides etc, talking bad about them and calling them names and trying to dig up dirt on them so you could report it to Children services.
Then, them getting an order of protection against you and you violating that as well.
It's just a sad and scary situation for all involved.
I'm sorry you and your daughter aren't on good terms right now. It might have been a different story if you had waited to contact her until she was 18. Like the law states.
I wouldn't give up and hold this against your birthdaughter. But I would give her and her family some space and not contact them at all until after she is 18 and then contact your birthdaughter directly at that time and start trying to build a relationship with her., slowely and at the pace that she feels comfortable with.
I'm sorry you've had such a rough life. It must have been incredibly hard to suffer through your own abuse and all that came afterwards as a result. I too would reccomend some counceling to help process all that has happened and your feelings about it.
That way you'll be more prepared to enter into a reunion with her after she comes of age.