Attachment issue?

I wish there was a statistical site but there's not. I have been working on my doctorate on adopted child syndrome and the 93% was based on a poll of 5,000. As we seem to have a pretty good nework base here, maybe we could come up with some issues that we want to find out statistics on and I can add that to my thesis. I do know that in 1995 adolescent adoptees were 2-3% of the general US population, yet were 30-40% of individuals founds in residential treatment centers, juvenile hall and special education schools. I know I was one of those.

Wow, that sounds just like my life story word for word. It's amazing how much we have in common. I thought forever that I was just plain CRAZY and PSYCHOTIC. When I finally started doing some research I learned that what I was feeling was normal....for an adoptee. We all deal with issues of separation, loss, trust, rejection, guilt, shame, identity, intimacy, loyalty, and control...just to mention a few. We were abandoned by our mothers at, or shortly after birth. This will affect us our whole lives. Only so far as we allow it to. We are worthy of love, we are worthy of having a wonderful loving partner, we should be capable of trusting. But it's not easy. My walls make the great wall of China look like lincoln logs. I too understand and know that scared lonely little girl way too well. I still sometimes cry for her (listen to the song Nobody Knows by P!nk), but you need to let that little girl go. She can stay behind those walls, but its time that you come out and prove all those people wrong who never believed in you and thought you'd never amount to anything. Hang in there, sweetie. Life does get better if you let it. My heart is with you.

It is amazing to me that we all have similar stories about out pasts. I too lost the battle to the bottle and no longer want to even test it anymore, I don't particularly like the fact that I have to feel emotions, but the self destruction bu drinking was taking its toll. Who of us can depend on anyone? Who can we trust? Our birthmothers who we depended on for our lives basically abandoned us. If we can't trust her, who can we trust? Sometimes this loss which compounds over the years can lead us to want to die. We are plagued by hopelessness, emptiness, lonliness, yet we seek solitude because we don't want to be hurt/rejected/abandoned again and it seems thats what happens every time we let someone get close. But is it them or us? I've noticed that I tend to "test" those who get close to me, I also use projective identification without even knowing I'm doing it. I guess we'll never be "normal" but who really knows what "normal" is?

Well that makes sense! thanks.

The need for all of us to escape is also a part of the adoption scene. It seems we are constantly driven to look for someone, anyone, that will be kind, understanding, patient, and "gets it."A someone with strong support -- able to share a pathway to healing. The healing offered will eventually end the grief and loss accepted so long ago.As a male there was only silence. The unspeakable abuse of the day was simply that. Attached to the ongoing abuse was in itself a need for silence and shame related to the way I lived...no need for discussion. My peers and school buds would never have understood. The unspoken word was a part of a rule that you remain silent. You are male -- deal with it.I was tainted and suspect. The ongoing abuse was to teach that everything had to be done according to adult standards. I not only had no idea what those were, but they kept changing. Music was all that provided an escape. I could lose myself in it and there was no criticism. It didn't have to be shared. It could be something that was my own. The words in the songs related to people with strong bonds for each other...there was caring, and eventually, love. The perfect escape.Music showed me that for short periods, the rituals that were so much a part of the reality of living with my a-parents could be forgotten -- somewhere there was hope.The musical escape fixed my soul. I didn't have to ask permission to go. No one knew. It was a fairyland I could call up at any time. When I slipped back into reality and again took on the requirements of having to earn the right to live, even tho the fantasy had ended there was still a good feeling.I had been a part of something timeless and although an outsider, and I knew it would soon end, it fixed my head and soul. There was hope. It was hidden.But no one could trample it and make it useless.The adoption, altho a life long sentence, ended. Not through re-union or other means but rather through conscious thought.Even a family/caretaker and outsider can speak honestly. I called all the a-family together to talk about the slavery status I had endured for nearly 30 years. As they looked on, stunned, I indicated that our relationship had ended. There was nothing left to give. They were free to follow any interests they had but our relationship had ended.As I left there was almost an overwhelming feeling of freedom. From then on no one knew of my adoption and I was accepted as an equal. To this day no one knows. Does anyone ever escape completely, NO. Although the adoption brings about many feelings of grief, loss, and sometimes feelings of abandonment and despair, there is no requirement that it be allowed to control our lives and become the main focus.It won't be something which you can forget and move on, but there is little reason to pay all your life for something that happened before you were born.I wish you all the best.

Negro_ewe & Lon3_ang3l Thank goodness I found this site because legitimately- EVERY person that has been recently attracted to me, talked to me while out, and myself being attracted to them- has been completely 100% unavailable... I thought it was just me. That makes me feel so much better that I am not the only one... My favorite new term is REJECTION- that is legit all I feel/think of... I've also noticed its taking a toll on my intimacy as well- I'm young single, but I just do not feel comfortable being intimate at times... not a commitment phobe (as an opportunity for a boyfriend has not arisen in years), but just when I am with someone- its a disaster. I also have a major connection to animals. I finally moved out, many states away, and the only thing that makes me really sad/cry is my dog Murph. I love him, and I really need him down here with me. My friends/parents- yes I definitely miss them, but Murph IS my life <3

I think I've finally found someone who understands that there is more to me than meets the eye and can deal with the "baggage" of my shattered past. He, like me, has had several courses in Psychology and understands the damage that adoption and a broken childhood can do. I've put the pieces together so many times only to fall into the trap of repeating my bad choices and watching the puzzle that is me fall and shatter again. This time I hope that, having my puzzle back together and allowing someone in, I won't watch it all crumble...he sees the signs and jerks me up short so I can correct myself before I damage this new and fragile "us"... I don't think we can say every adoptee feels as we do. Some refuse to even acknowledge that this has anything to do with their lives or that an unfortunate act performed at the moment of their birth colors their view on life. My adopted brother is that way. He refuses to connect his bi-polar and depression to this fractured connection at his birth, his failed marriage, or his commitment issues he has had all his life. You find people on the other side of this issue, with just as much documentation as there is on our side. We each have to find what it means to us and learn to accept and deal with it. I'm standing in front of my walls, again, and reaching out once more for the love I so want and deserve. I just need to keep reminding myself that he is not those who came before, that I deserve this happiness (no matter how fleeting it may be), and that I am me...love me or go take a flying leap out of my life! Blessed be!

Hi Lon3, i enjoyed reading your post. Your shared thoughts covered so many issues all adoptees have had and may still hold.I wish it were possible to write a prescription and share a definite plan that would not only provide answers, but also allow a guarantee that if followed, would change your head.All that can be offered now is to help you focus on using the freedom you have that provides a pathway to whatever your dream maybe. Your dream may include, boats, cars, new job, new home, etc. Maybe a new search, or perhaps the ending of bad relationships that continue to drag on you.There is no special formula that will provide a guarantee.I will share a small part of how I became me. That is not to say any of this is a pathway for adoptees...it is only how i handled the dark side.At 18, my a-dad said that he was done...there was nothing more for me...anything from here on was up to me. As i looked at the grief, loss and despair that had been around for so long, slowly reality became clear. I had nothing. I was nothing. Even my name was provided long after I was born.A decision had to be made as to where to go to start my climb up and how to give up my slavery mentality. All I knew was how to work to make others happy.I wanted nothing more than to be accepted as an individual with reasonable kinds of feelings, hopes and dreams. And to be accepted as a person, an equal among my peers. I wanted to give up my relationship with the dark side...I wanted the freedom to be ME. But, I didn't know where to start.I slipped into the navy. I wanted to be anonymous. No one questioned my birth and barely asked where I was from. The dark side was walled off and not shared. Healing had started.In that navy experience, I learned that family labels of dumb and stupid did not apply. I could learn. Moreover I understood how to use what I learned.My shipmates rallied around me. Unknown to them, they became teachers. They taught me that the love, caring and concern coming from wives, mothers, families, and others was not conditional -- it was honest and str8 forward. I didn't know that.It was a new beginning. If there was to be change, there was a lot to learn. I had lived in the dark so long.I was able to get through school and later a scholarship for grad school. Although I worked 3 jobs during school, often the cupboard was bare -- but my dream was for a better life, and only I could make it happen. In spite of what my family held out for me, I found I could make a contribution to the lives of others.Your story, like so many others has much to offer for other adoptees trying to understand how to find the freedom to be themselves. Journaling offers a great deal. It's not easy, but it is your story. Not to be shared or critiqued...it's about U. It won't be easy to write and it will take some time, but you will come away stronger and more in control toward getting what you want.I wish you the best.

LOL, your story is too familiar! I too went in the Navy right out of high school, learned there that I wasn't as stupid or worthless as I had been told all my life...I have to say though that the changes didn't happen until I made some terrible choices (drugs, alcohol, and waking up to a rape in progress) that I realized I was the one who allowed things to happen in my life! I was responsible! No one else! I had to change, love myself, because no one else would!This is where I started healing...but as I said, I still made bad choices...I keep a journal; write down memories as they come back to me...do a lot of soul searching about my choices, failures, and successes! The old adage of taking two steps forward and one step back can definitely describe my life! It is a hard road we travel but we need to recognize the bumps we place in our path and learn how to smooth them out...it will always be a work in profess I think!Blessed be

Drywall, Your posts really speak to me. I Joined the Army before I even graduated high school. All I wanted was to get the heck out of the house and away from my a-parents. I was floundering in life, I felt that I had no identity, I was always told by my a-mom that I was stupid and would never make it in life. After 7 years I returned to the city I grew up in, but kept my distance (and have maintained that distance) from my a-family. during that 7 years I was able to shake off all the BS they dumped on me and found myself. And even though I am still my worst critic and very hard on myself, I believe that despite my upbringing, I have been hugely successful in life (save for building strong friendships/relationships). I couldn't resist responding to your post because the things you talked about during your time in the Navy reminded me so much of my time in the Army. :thanks:

OMG, yes!! I thought it was just me. I haven't told my aparents I love them for years. I can write it on a card, but not face to face. I have no problems, telling boyfriends, husbands, my son or the cat, but I stopped saying I love u to my adoptive parents.

Oh yes, I totally understand what is going on with you. How did you tell your aparents about your issues?

I was looking for the quoted message here but couldn't find it. If you are going to a councilor, make sure it is one who has experience with adoption issues...we have so many issues and the cause can be overlooked or just plain swept under the rug, if they so desire!On a different note, I was at my a/dad's house last week. Of course we got in to it over my ex-husband, again, sigh! I walked out!!! Everyone tells him the God's honest truth but me! I lie! I give up!!!! I will NOT allow him to keep bullying me and badgering me and making my life miserable! I will NEVER forgive him for this last scene...

I was looking for the quoted message here but couldn't find it. If you are going to a councilor, make sure it is one who has experience with adoption issues...we have so many issues and the cause can be overlooked or just plain swept under the rug, if they so desire!On a different note, I was at my a/dad's house last week. Of course we got in to it over my ex-husband, again, sigh! I walked out!!! Everyone tells him the God's honest truth but me! I lie! I give up!!!! I will NOT allow him to keep bullying me and badgering me and making my life miserable! I will NEVER forgive him for this last scene...

I Love you. So hard to say to them, and I am the same way, I drop those three words to my pet fish! On another note, been trying to keep a journal and seeing how that goes with life.. So, I have been boyfriendless/companionship less for 3 years, since the one did me in.. and I am trying some online dating... I am hoping I can break this STUPID cycle I was/am in, where I meet someone (usually drinks are involved) and go home with them the first night... I KNOW this isnt how to land a companion/bf but I do it anyway... So I hope starting off online will help? any thoughts on this?