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Well, next week is supposed to be Pixie's third post adoption visit with her birthparents. I sent notice to them via certified mail last week... mom's got returned as undeliverable, dad was left a notice and has yet to go to the PO to sign for the letter.
So, I sit here thinking... now what?!?! I would not have agreed to open adoption if I wasn't okay with it, but if Pixie's birthparents don't make the effort to send me their new addresses or sign for the letters... and if they miss the visit (which they will since they don't know about it) then what?
This is not how its "supposed" to work in my mind. I don't want them in and out of my daughter's life at their leisure. I don't think that is in her best interest.
BUT, as mentioned in a previous post, mom lives down the street now... so we WILL see her, which is why I wanted open anyway, knowing we would always run into them in town, I don't want to pretend we don't know them, so Pixie might as well know who they are (small town).
I'm rambling... I just don't know what to do. Our agreement does NOT have a "miss one and done" clause... but I certainly think I can argue that its not in Pixie's best interest to just have visits when her birthparents are motivated to do what they need to do to make them happen. The agreement does stipulate the visits must be in her best interest. it wouldn't matter now, but I want to be thinking ahead to when she's older and she would be disappointed or feel like they didn't care.
Any ideas?!?!
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Could you this one time take it to her personally? Warn her this is a one time offer...if she doesn't make the effort to keep you informed of her address, you will not seek her out again?
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Could you this one time take it to her personally? Warn her this is a one time offer...if she doesn't make the effort to keep you informed of her address, you will not seek her out again?
I think this is a good idea. Open adoptions are great- but can be very delicate situations built on very delicate relationships. My advice, to avoid any condemnation ( even by your daughter!) in the future, send out that letter every year (or every time there is a promised visit) Try and take it, this time, to the bio-mom in person, but make sure she knows you won't be chasing her down anymore. After that just send them every time. If they go unanswered, write that down and keep a record. If the letters come back undeliverable, keep them and record it.
This way, you are trying to keep your OA agreement alive,and your daughter will NEVER have any doubts that you tried- and no one else can accuse you of not trying either.
If bio parents aren't going to step up to the plate, let them know you are not pleased, and that you think their presence would be beneficial to your daughter, but only if it is constant, predictable, and loving. Your daughter is still too little to understand/notice, but she won't always be that way. Keep sending those invites until daughter is old enough to "get it ". When she is, I suggest not telling her about the visit until it is confirmed. I assume sooner or later you're going to give up- and that's OK! You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Their loss!
This is a sad situation.
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