first time not feeling like one of the family

I understand. There have been many times that I've felt that I wasn't part of the family. Not by any fault of my family - they were great and I never doubted for a minute that they loved me. Whenever they would talk about medical issues, heritage/lineage or similar traits I always felt excluded. I think that this feeling of being a square peg of sorts is probably shared by many adoptees. In my experience of being adopted and an only child, I find my self without a family, other than my children, after my parents passed away. It is sad. I wish that I could offer big family get togethers for my children to grow up with, as I did. Unfortunately that's just not in the cards I was dealt. I would love to at least be able to share a heritage and medical history with my kids. The laws of sealed records do not allow that. Please know that you are not alone. Although you don't have a heads up on what to look out for as far as medical history goes, you still have each other. Whatever obstacles are thrown your way you will get through it together. The laws so desperately need to be updated and changed so that all of us have access to our information. Secrets and lies are wrong and are a true injustice to us.

Thanks so much. Makes me feel better to know I am not alone feeling this way.

It wasn't diseases or ailments that would get me thinking like you are feeling. It was always when someone would have a baby and the family would ooh and ahh about how they have someones eyes, or someones ears, etc... I have one very very special cousin who would very nonchalantly point out how one of my nieces had my eyelashes or something like that. I knew that there was no way since I was adopted, but it felt **** good to have someone include me in such a manner. I need to send her a thank you card for that now that i think of it.

There are quite a few genetic disorders in my a-fam, the most serious affects only boys but girls carry it. All of my female cousins had to be tested and one had to make a painful descion to end a pregnancy. Until last month, I had no med history and so because I am unrealistic I assumed my history was totally clear. Now I know the history and it actually bothers me. Keep this in mind, most diseases are 1.detectable with regular screening 2. Affected more by lifestyle 3 have limited genetic connections(check out the rate of genetic transmissions- they are very low) Live a healthy life, get all necessary checks. I always felt when it was your time, thats it.

I've just recently (within the past 3 weeks) have found out what is genetically in store for me. I wonder now if I had been better off not knowing, but know exactly how you feel. Like Bakerjw says above, it's more to do with when everyone would compare who looks like who. I think it is a deep seated unconscious thing that somehow we as adoptee's do not belong completely to our families. It may seem kind of silly, but it is a real emotion. We all need hear we have Aunt Jane's nose or Grandma Doe's eyes. It is the same with illness. We want to share a commaraderie with someone, that anticipation of a shared factor that makes us belong which is not there. I did find out my genetic history and GULP, no one seems to live past the age of 65. But now that I know and will be reuinited next week with my bfamily, I will for the first time in almost 50 years get to know that feeling that was absent. But I sure wouldn't trade my folks for anything, and for that I am thankful, and I have always belonged in all the ways that matter.

You are not crazy. I feel that way all the time. I feel like even roughly after 24yrs I am still trying to be part of the family. Even through all of the holidays and the gift passing and the I love you's I still feel like something is missing. The medical aspect of it plays a big part in that feeling especially when you start a family of your own and because so many diseases are now being linked to genetics you can't help but to worry that your children or future grandchildren will go through something. Physical appearance I think plays the biggest part because you just want to see someone who resembles you and it doesn't hurt when a new member is brought into the adoptive family and they are talking about how the baby has such and such feet, eyes, lips and so on. It hurts and it does not make you crazy because I believe all adoptees go through these type of feelings even those who act like they really don't care.

No, you are definitely not crazy. I have felt like that my entire life. My adoptive family was wonderful but I always felt a bit on the outside. They would joke about things that I could never be a part of - like who looked like whom, what kind of "genes" they had etc. I couldn't relate. Now that I am reunited with my bfamily and my medical history is no longer a mystery, it has helped immensely to understand some of the things that have happened to me as I've gotten older.

Thanks everyone. Sure wish I could find Shirley or one of her siblings. There are so many of them. All I really would ask of them is some information about what to expect as far as health issues, facts like that. If any of them wanted a relationship with me that would just be the icing on the cake.

Hello I am 53 years old and still suffering this exclusion thing. Thank you all for making me feel less alone. I met my birth mum twice and twice she decided she didn't want to continue contact. My A parents excluded me after my Adoptive father died - they had a natural daughter. Every time I am rejected in what ever small way or excluded from things it all comes back. I feel that I should be able to cope at my age but I just can't. I have not been able to talk with anone about this.

I have been here as a guest. I am 53. My bio-mom found me when I was 23. I know that my isolation from my adopted family did not start there, my sister is over 9 years older than I am and is a bio-child. She was "perfect" never rebelled, married when I was in elementry school. I was a quasi-not through the system adoption. My B- mom choice my parents, what a fight for a 16 yr old. She feels like she should have seen who they really were. When I got her call out of the blue living in my Venice beach life style, I had no boundry's . I still have a boundry issue. My parents were much older than any of my friends growing up. I was raised with my Mother's parents in a well known area in West LA. I was told I was chosen , that word wants to make me gag, when I could "understand"....that I was delivered to her differently than my sister? Any questions I had growing up about my b-mother, I got this glare, the look that makes one know not to ask anymore and makes a child feel like , how did I feel? Why would no one answer my questions. To this day no one in my family communicates their feeling unless it is about me. The major embarrassment of the family. I found out years ago that my sister was jealous of me, since I did everything she may have wanted to do but being a people pleaser she did not, and found that she felt I was still loved and it is not fair. I live in the woods, poor choose of location, well we all make mistakes. I had had breasst cancer some years back and I was up there alone having some medical issues that could not be addressed there, my mother told me to come to her house for a while. I am still waiting to find out if I have Ovarian cancer, I have zip as far as medical insurance, being an artist, so the system works slower than normal, I have some genetic stuff which of course if denied by my family. The phrase get over it. My mother went to Alaska with my sister, her evil husband on a cruise and I am assumming since no one will tell me exactly where this began, gee last wednesday was the past get over it. That I am no longer a part of the family. No one in my family believes that I was a successful artist and writer. I am supposed to ,sorry shaking here, prove to my grown nieces (whom my sister would not let near me, when they were growing up) with affidavites I assume notorized that I am who I say I am. so the colation came over Sunday and told me...being my 87 yr old Mother, my sister and her husband, that I have a week to leave the premises. Of course they wanted my side of some story that I have no clue as what story they are even referring too. They said they believe their children before me. So gee, who am I to explain anything? just the scapegoat here. being asked my my sister so when do u plan are getting your life together. I think my life is together. I want to put an advert in for a new family now. I literally never lied to my parents, I don't know how to lie. I have quit the self depricating sarcasm. My neice had asked me at the beach if my sister was lying when she had told my neice she was verbally abused growing up. A therapist of mine had also strongly put this too me. Yes I have an extremly crital anal, don't let the neighbors know, you did not tell them that, O my god what will people think, what a stupid idea. I told my neice that my sister grew up with a nana and garndfather on one side of the house thst literally were in a victorian time warp. I cannot speak of her experiances, she should ask her herself. I am so afraid of speaking the truth. I have been known to self mutilate w/o knowing it when I am not being heard. This is fortunately rare, but it did come out once that I did this often as a child. Hmmm, perfect childhood. I have so much blocked. extreme night terrors, making ideas i had someone else's, so if they were called stupid. A child trying to protect her self. My nana died right before my sister got married and left. I was in 4th grade, I had some problems nop one will disscuss, double vision is all I have been told. The denial. So, now as it has always been , all was ok , I was part of the family until "that woman" showed up! my sister felt she lost her sister, my Mother was threated and betrayed by me. I have officially been disowned. All I keep telling myself is this is not about me. They are all so **** screwed up. My sister who lol says she loves me, all my intuitive gut feelings point to her. I am supposed to be having yet another cancer test in 3 hours I cannot sleep all I hear is my sisters voice. I asked my neices to please not repeat anything that occured when they showed up unannounced at my mothers door and went at me when she was gone, she is 87 , but no. I so wish I had a video and they all need Ms. manners books. It is funny if I step away from it. They look at me like some evil entity. They choose me, right? I have been through so much therapy. this is not my issue, why does it hurt so much. I just wish someone could hold me who I felt safe with while I cried/sobbed. Gee, sahe may have cancer again let's all attack her. Let's make it her fault she choose to be close friends w/ her b-mom. I have never actually called her my mother, She is my best friend, I wish she was closer. So I am looking at tent city close to the treatment center with my dog until i find out where to go, what I actually have and if I do want treatment again. Why do people have all these weird pre-concieved notions. Insanity. Why can they just not ask how do u fell about being adopted and then discount all u say? My Mother is wandering around saying her famous line it is all my fault. Now adding to it I should never have adopted an abandoned child. Hello, she was chosen by my b-mother while i was in uterio. I wish my Father was alive, this would not be happening. 53 no family. why now? I wish I knew of a good therapist that took medical who deals with this now just to get me through this. Oops Arnold cut medical. I can not ever see my sister agin and not feel too bad, but my Mother. She choose sides. Whatever my sister implnted in Alaska took hold. My sister does not even show up when my Mother is in the hospital with a broken shoulder, I am taking her to doctors taking care of my dad who is dying of pancreatic cancer while I am going through chemo. I am not complaing here. I had 18 wonderful months with my Dad I never would have had if I had not goten sick. BTW my sister lives 15 minutes away from my mom, I am an hour and a half, Soon I will be way further away. I think I feel better, you guys are brave. We all are. Ps..I appear stronger than I really am. Fear of commitments, not so much now, major illness has a way of changing one's outlook on life. I thought I do still trust people. I do not trust my family at all. Last week did that in. At least I won't have to listen to Rush Limbaugh's voice in the morning. Being here is making me sicker. ok , rant done. Thanks,