[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]I was wondering as an adoptive parent how often a birthparent would like pictures sent. We have an open adoption and I have no problem sending pictures but didn't want to send them too often or not often enough. Any replies would be greatly appreciated[/FONT].
Every day? LOL!
No seriously, for me, there is no such thing as enough. The bes thing to do tho is talk to her and find out what works for both of you :)
The reason I am asking is the birthmom has asked for new pics everyday and I have to admit I don't take that many pics. I snap 1 or 2 and send but I don't think I can keep doing this everyday. I think some of it is Bmom is out of school for the summer, doesn't have a job and is constantly thinking of DS. Any other suggestions? I try and tell her I don't have any new pic and she asks that I take some, which I do. I just don't know if I am helping or hurting. Make Sense?????
Every day??? That seems to me to be an inappropriate request. I am not in OA, but had a semi-open and there was no actual verbal agreement. I felt fortunate to get one picture every year or so (sometimes it would be every other year). I think you may need to set some boundaries with your child's bmom. What would be more reasonable for you? Could you try to reach a compromise with the bmom? I would have loved to get pics more often of my son, but even I wouldn't want to see pics every single day! I would want to savor what I had and wait a bit to notice some changes in his growth or different milestones. I would think once a month or even every few months would be more appropriate, but that's just MHO.
Another adoptive mom here. At first our baby's birthmom wanted a closed adoption and we told her she was welcome to contact us at any time. Eventually she did and she told me I could send updates whenever I wanted. I have been sending them about once a month around the 10th (she was born on the 10th) and whenever something major happens like first teeth, first steps. Sometimes she responds, sometimes she doesn't.
I think once a day is unreasonable. I'm hoping what I'm sending is okay. I think as the baby gets older I will send less often as the changes won't be as noticeable.
I'd appreciate any comments from birth moms about this topic as well.
Oh I also think once a day is a bit unreasonable! Once a month sounds a bit better to me. Of course, maybe a bit extra if something significant happens, like first step, first trip to the zoo and so on...
Then again, I come from the closed era so I was thrilled to get any pictures after 22 years! I guess in general it would have been nice to have pictures every 3-4 months or twice a year...
I think sending pictures once a day is very unreasonable, too. Once a month sounds fair to me, especially during the baby and toddler stages when they develop so quickly and start hitting milestones.
I come from the closed era, but when California changed its laws in the early 1980's, my son's parents started sending me pictures through the adoption agency. They'd send me a couple packets a year, as I recall. Each packet probably contained about 15 or 20 pictures. Talk about being in 7th Heaven -- I was so incredibly grateful for them opening things up a bit. :love:
You are absolutely helping by wanting to set boundaries you are comfortable with. I'm thinking that you are in the beginning of this OA, in which case you need to set boundaries now. Do you feel comfortable setting up a website/blog for her? You could update it when you feel you have something to share (ie: new pic, event, milestone) and she has a place to keep updated?
I have a semi-open OA with absolutely no schedule and to be honest it drives me batty. I write way more often than my daughter's mom , and only get updates/responses back a couple of times a year. I ask for pics, but only because it's been a year and a half since she sent any. I've asked if she wants to set up a schedule that she would feel comfortable with, because I know she's busy, and she didn't think it was necessary, she told me just to write. If I knew that I would only get updates and pics say, once every few months , I'd feel a heck of a lot better about things than expecting/hoping for a response everytime I write and being disappointed when there is nothing. Honesty would go a long way.
Good lucK!
Do as the others have suggested and get together and set up a schedule. It will help for the sanity of all involved. I have a schedule of every 3 months, which I keep. The problem I have is similar to yours in that the bmom calls my attorney and the agency about 3 times a week wanting more updates. I finally told both the attorney and adoption agency not to notify me of her calls unless she has provided them with new information. I just got so tired of having the same conversation over and over again. The bmom made up all of the "rules" for our OA. Since they were reasonable we agreed, now she wants to change them to contact every week or every few days. I am not ok with that. I have sent a few extra updates when a milestone was reached or something extra cute happened.
I did set up an online Flickr account where she can access pictures for viewing. She can also order those she likes for a small fee. If she lets me know which ones she really likes I include printed copies with her updates. Still she says this is not enough and she wants more. She has also started demanding professional pictures. Honestly I only do professional photos 2 a year, and she got copies of all of the ones we purchased. I can not afford to do them more often.
She has not held up to her end of the OA by providing updates and pictures of herself and her children that she is parenting. She said she would but she has not. I really don't need the updates on her but would love the photos of the children so that my DD will have pictures of them when she is grown.
OA is hard, but is able to be done. Just communicate with and try to work within set boundaries. Also, DO NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO DO. Once you agree it is very important to hold up your end of the bargain even if she does not.
We have it set up that I receive pictures every other month. If they happen to send them every month, works for me!!! They have done this a number of times.
Once a day is just alittle too extreme and unneccessary. I like pictures as much as others but I know that there will not be pictures taken everyday.
I do agree that you need to set up something that you both are comfortable with. If you aren't then suggest something else.
Set your boundaries now.
I am supposed to get pictures once every three months.
Whatever you do decide, stick to it, there is nothing harder than broken promises when it comes to contact.
You have received some great advice from all the ladies here. The only thing I would add is that when you are coming up with a schedule, please consider what you would find "natural," not just what you think she would like. That way it won't be another thing on your to do list, or something else to feel guilty about forgetting to do when you are busy being a mom to your new baby!
I say this, because I am not much of a picture person. I got a camera when our son came home, and I honestly have to remind myself to take pictures. Just does not occur to me every day, sometimes not for a week or more. The grandparents are constantly hounding me for new ones! If I had to commit to pictures and updates on a regular basis, I would feel better with once a month, or even every other month. I would also suggest setting a date (the idea a pp had of it being the day of the month that your child was born was a great one!), that way everyone is clear on when it will occur, and nobody is left on pins and needles, KWIM?
Courtney, You just reminded me!!! It seems that I get pictures around the same date every other month in the beginning. Now it is spread out depending on what happened but there is a pattern to it!
Thanks for the replies. We have been in this OA of almost 18mos. At first it was very tough on everyone. This is my 2nd OA. This last few weeks the request have been comming for pictures. I have told her that I don't have any. I don't know if part of it is her age, she is just 16 or if it has to do with anxiety disorder. I really appreciate everything, and I will speak with her this weekend. :thanks:
My advise is to take as many pictures as you possibly can....they are grown and gone before you know it.....and later you "ALL" will be so glad you did....and with digital is sooooo easy just keep the camera in the diaper bag with every outing....and have it handy for bathtime, high chair messy eating, play time... Holidays....even while they are sleeping. you will NEVER regret it !!!
but I do agree...sending them off every day is too much to have to commit to..... but just one a few times a year would be heartbreaking..... find a happy medium.
it's not hard now with e-mail to "share the joy" with everyone involved !!!
if you adopted a child you have been blessed, you have recieved a precious gift. why not at least give back a little through is not asking much compared to how much the child is enriching your life.