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I am a male adoptee.
I have often wondered if other adoptees put people in their lives into a "temporary" category.
A "Temporary Category" seems to be related to the protective mechanisms we have that attempts to shield us from additional grief and loss.
If friends, peers, school buds ( even a-family ) are temporary then there is no need to let them become close, and when they are gone the need for damage control is not as great and more easily managed.
School friends and others were put into this category. I found when we moved away and I left them, it was ok. They were only temporary...eventually, for reasons known to them, all my a-family fell into that category...their temporary status in my life had ended.
There was never a time limit to the temporary status of the people I knew, only a belief that at some point my relationship with them would end...and it would be ok.
Anybody else have those strong feelings?
Drywall
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Drywall, I never looked at it that way but I have had many temporary friends too, but not my family but our situations are different. I am a loner by nature so that is what I chalked it up to. I do know that I went through a period in my teenage years where if anyone got close I pushed them away except for two friends I have to this day. Something to mull on. Kind regards,Dickons
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DickonsIn the eyes of some people, an early status remains as a lifelong sentence, regardless.When I was growing up I had a best friend who was 18 months older. His parents and mine were linked in many ways. His family was very good to me and in many respects I regarded them as my God Parents.I worshiped all the things my best friend had and took for granted. In terms of b-parents, heritage, stable family relationships, etc. he had it all. I knew that I wouldn't have those things and could never get them. Even as a child I was an outsider. I knew my status.60 years later I had an occasion to revisit that old childhood friendship. I hoped there would be opportunities to share parts of our lives and to remember things that touched us deeply as children. It was not to be.In our reunion chat, he was barely polite, and distant. It was as though our childhood relationship and my story was something he wanted to avoid revisiting. His attitude promoted a return to feelings on my part of being suspect, tainted and an outcast. It was surprising that even though I shared accomplishments and milestones they did little to change his thoughts in regards to my adoption status. In his eyes, nothing had changed. The contact I had with him again reinforced my belief that adoption is a life long sentence.Drywall
Hi, I'm new here, I'm a 45 year old female adoptee in active search for birthmother as of the last couple of years, after thinking about it for decades.
This is a really interesting topic to start posting about. How "normals" [non-adoptees] seem to cling to situations, like jobs, relatives, friends, possessions...they seem so needy at times. Do they not realize that NOTHING is permanent...that one does not need to rely on anything but oneself to survive?
Being taken away from your mother at a young age is terrifying. The only halfway "Healthy" way to respond to this horrifying situation is to wise up, fast, and realize that you are on your own. Relying on others...equals DEATH. You don't do it. They won't come through. Don't be fooled!
Many adoptees become very successful people on the "outside"...we like mastery. We like feeling that we can do things for ourselves, that we don't "Need" anyone...and we truly, in many cases, don't. It's "nice" when people are there for you, and you can appreciate it...but please don't make the mistake of thinking that you are ever going to "Need" stability the way the normals seem to...you don't need it. You don't know what it's like...you can't even imagine it. While they were clinging to their mother's breast and whimpering you were out there in the cold, harsh world surviving...afraid, terrified beyond belief but praying for strength and you made it...you survived, you grew up, you are here!
We don't "Attach"...why should we? Why bother when we can do things for ourself? The adoption situation is very difficult and stressful...adoptees have anxiety to unbelievable levels, have insecurity about people "approving" of them...but they also have an incredible ability to be self sufficient...to help others...to show what people are capable of under the most severe conditions.
What's the alternative...to cling needily to people who aren't even your blood family, to desperately try to "fit in" to a situation because we are afraid to be ourselves?...yuck. No thanks.
If someday I find myself home, "sitting by the fire" with my blood family, I may find out what it's like to "Need" someone and what it's like to "Trust" someone...until then, this is my journey. I go it alone. A-parents, friends, jobs, it's all just meaningless "stuff" on the path that I can appreciate with curiosity, enjoy while it's there...but tomorrow, the road may fork. Stuff like marriage and having kids would just weigh me down...no need for that stuff, on the road.
This is the "mythic journey" that people refer to in so many adoption books and articles. No, we didn't ask to be put on this journey...and it is a hard road, we are tired and like anyone who's been travelling a long time...we yearn for home.
Some may never find their way home, and for them I grieve. Some find their way home, and find joy, and with them I celebrate. Some, like me, still don't know how it's all going to turn out...but only know that tomorrow will come, the road will still be there, and I will go down it, I will survive...no matter what.
Bless you all, and godspeed on your path. Remember...you are heros...weak people who need to buy and sell babies are zeros.
Hope (birth name)