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So we just finalized our adoptions! WOOHOO! We've had the kids for 3 1/2 years, it has been a long journey. The kids have not seen either bio parent in all that time. We have had communication now with their bio mother for about 1 1/2 years now. (We've seen her, but the kids have not.)We let her know today about the adoption being granted and that we changed the childrens' names. We added a name onto their original names. She was less than pleased to find out. The kids wanted to change their names. They picked out the names. They also want to go by those names now. Out of respect to her, and their past, we kept their original names. But we are now their parents. We wanted a name that was significant to us as well. She expressed that she hoped we continue to call them by their previous names. We however, will call them by their new names, at their request. How do you handle situations like this? I know this is just one of the MANY issues we are going to face in this new 'relationship' with bio mom. Thanks for any advice you can share!
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I'm curious to see any responses. I'll be changing my lil' ones name and her biomom has been seeing her all along, and I'm sure she won't be pleased.
In my situation, I'm thinking about not telling the mom (for security reasons...I trust the mom but not the rest of her family). My child is a baby so it's a little easier. I figure I can tell the mom I'm changing it when she's 2 yrs old or so...whenever it seems to matter (not sure if we'll continue visits or not).
In your situation I would just reassure the bio that your kids are the ones who truely wanted this. She just needs to deal with it.
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I only changed my son's last name to my own at adoption because he was older. Bmom, for years, would keep addressing him by his last name. After some other issues in regards to her contact and behavior I wrote a letter about the guidelines to contact and included that anything she sent with his former last name would be returned.She's used his correct last name since then.My youngest son is also keeping his first name but will have a new middle and last name.I think in a situation like this you have to be firm and set the guidelines or it may get stepped all over. Simply tell her that you kept the name to respect her and their past, however the children have now chosen to go by X and Y and she will need to address them as that in order to avoid any confusion.
When my daughter's adoption finalized I changed her middle and last names, but kept the first name. We have visits twice a year, but I haven't mentioned any name changes or that her SSN has changed. This is partially for security but also because she wouldn't understand why and would have hurt feelings. In conversation her birthmom has mentioned that she knows where her older birthson's adoptive family lives and she likes to hang out nearby to watch him go to school when she's visiting family in their state. I don't want her to have our last name or any additional info that would help her locate our house. She seems pretty harmless, just has developmental delays which affect her decision making skills and ability to set boundries, but the men she hangs out with are not.
I let my sons bio family know at the first visit post-goodbye (we have a semi-open adoption) that he now had a new name. Their immediate question was why didn't I let them know before because he hadn't answered to his old name for the last few pre-goodbye visits. I explained that I did not use his new name until after the goodbye visit, but that he did not respond because he didn't hear them (very hard of hearing). They have seen him once since then and called him by his new name.
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greenmama
Are the Bios really surprised by new LAST names? I just assumed they would all know that is part of adoption...
FostAndAdoptMom
I don't know if my son's Bmom was surprised, but she refused to use it. I took them to build a bear and paid for them to each build a bear for each other (Bmom and my son) at the goodbye visit... she wanted to put a recording in and she recorded her voice saying "I love you very much X Y Z" using he complete first, middle, and former last name. And then every note and card she'd write his former last name on (even inside cards where you don't normally put the name) and she'd spell my last name wrong if she ever used it with my name (and it's not hard to spell.)SO I think she may have been doing it on purpose... at least in my case.
We don't have visits with bmom or bdad, so I don't have anything to share with that. We did have trouble with my daughter's older brother. We changed her middle and last name and he continued to call her by her old name each time they spoke. At a meeting she finally told him, "My name is FIRST MIDDLE LAST and you need to call me that from now on." He did. We also have contact with her birth grandfather and he accepted the name change well. He always had a nickname for her and calls her that still. I haven't been on the other side to know how this does hurt to see the name changed, but I know it was part of my daughter's healing. THere is more to this sometimes than the name. It is the parents hanging on the past and most of the time it wasn't a good past.
Our daughter's bios were shocked and mad that we changed her name... and we kept her first name!?!?! Did they really think she was going to keep their last names all her life? She was not even two when we adopted her!I tell myself that I cannot expect "normal" reactions from people that were/are too mentally ill to parent. But, they do love their daughter to pieces... despite all that.
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Yeah, that sounds pretty deliberate, since just addressing your own child by their last name is weird! I'm trying to imagine myself saying "I love you and good night, Joseph Smith." Or "hello, it's Joe. you know, Joe Smith, your son?" LOL
FostAndAdoptMom
I don't know if my son's Bmom was surprised, but she refused to use it. I took them to build a bear and paid for them to each build a bear for each other (Bmom and my son) at the goodbye visit... she wanted to put a recording in and she recorded her voice saying "I love you very much X Y Z" using he complete first, middle, and former last name. And then every note and card she'd write his former last name on (even inside cards where you don't normally put the name) and she'd spell my last name wrong if she ever used it with my name (and it's not hard to spell.) SO I think she may have been doing it on purpose... at least in my case.
We just told them (actually in a letter) that we changed our son's name...told her that my oldest wanted to name him so we let her...her way of bonding with him. I told them that they needed to use his new name around him...no exception. I found being straight forward and strict boundaries worked for us.Happy123