I could really use some advice

Will she agree to semi open maybe? Would you? Perhaps sending updates 3 times a year or something of that nature?I personally would not go into an adoption from foster care with an open agreement. It is to me completely different from a domestic voluntary placement where the child's interests have always been put first.I support levels of OA but not from the start as you have so much going on with the child. I don't feel you can also cater to the bmom's life and wants too. A fresh start IS really important.

I agree with Crick. Adopting from foster care is a totally different type of open adoption. I would read the file and try to find out all information before I agreed to anything. I would try to keep some contact with letters and pictures to her. It would help you as you build his medical history. Starting with a clean slate doesn't mean he will forget her or the rest of his birthfamily. He won't. He does need to feel secure and be able to attach to you and your husband. Good luck in your adoption journey.

Well, DH and I decided to turn down the chance of adopting this little boy. We're just not comfortable with the level of openness, amongst other things, so we're going to continue our search. I appreciate your advice. :flower:

GoddessD--it appears as though you and I keep having similar experiences. This was what happened to me last week and the MAIN reason why I declined. Mine was even more bizarre requests....2x/mo visits, wanted to be an extended part of family....but her lack of common sense that came up during disclosure really gave me red red flags. I think some families are good for that, but I have huge hesitations especially from Foster care! Semi open with my county as the barrier is what I'm willing to begin with. Sorry about the failed match. I know what that is like

Thanks Dannie. Ya, she wanted to come visit him once a month, call him once a week on the phone, send him cards and letters, etc. We just weren't happy with a current drug addict involved in our lives. On top of that, they still hadn't told the little boy he was up for adoption! WTF? Major issues...

:eek: Well, no, unless I've misunderstood your post, they wouldn't tell him now before anything has actually happened. He is not free for adoption, she is still his legal mother, he is probably already experiencing a high degree of uncertainty and anxiety about his life and lack of security, I am sure no one would want to add the thought "oh and btw, you are going to end up leaving where you are now relatively comfortable and happy to go someplace we don't know where, to live with people we haven't met yet," to that, especially for an indefinite period that could stretch out to years. How would that benefit him? :coffee: I get the feeling that some of these pre-TPR matches and wish lists are just that--negotiable wish lists. You may find as you go along that every match comes with a wish list, many of which will include an OA. Personally, I would not sign any OA for a host of reasons but mainly because you can openness without an agreement that binds you either ethically or legally. I think the only promise anyone can really make is to try their best to be the best parent possible for that child. If it is safe and beneficial to the child in your judgment to do so, that will mean having some degree of openness but there are, IMO, too many variable involved to make a long-term promise of it. The parent can have other motivations for signing TPR--because they know they just don't have it in themselves to work the case plan and/or parent safely, because they want to avoid prosecution, because they want to avoid auto-TPRs in the future, because they are too distracted by MI and/or SA to do anything else, and more. OA may be on their wish list, but it may not really be a requirement. I guess that's just the long way around of saying that you might want to consider discussing matches further to see how firm the wish list really is. I don't think that what they "present" to you is necessarily a take-it-or-leave-it proposition. :loveyou:Good luck to you in finding your child.

Thank you Hadley, I can understand what you're saying about not telling him he's up for adoption until it actually happens. One of the issues is that this little boy is so very bonded with his foster father. So much so that he thinks his foster father is his biological father and they just haven't bothered to correct him. How can we possibly come into their lives and take him away from that? I can just imagine the damage that would do. The fact that he doesn't know his foster dad isn't his biodad, that no one has bothered to help him understand he's up for adoption (I mean, he goes to therapy, way haven't they addressed that in therapy?), and the open adoption that the worker said his mother feel adamant about are all things that just really put us off. Red flags everywhere, you know? I completely understand what you mean about not letting him feel the uncertainty of being up for adoption. I totally get that and I appreciate you posting that because I honestly didn't think of it in those terms. I agree with you, we'll have to do more probing next time we get a shot at adopting. The more we learn about a case the better informed we'll be at making our decision.

I know that my case is rare, but so far we have a great OA with our girls' bmom. She has been 100% supportive of us since they were placed with us 2 years ago. She loves her girls, but she could never fully over come her addictions. We are doign visits quarterly, we generally don't do phone calls because she rarely has a phone. We do letters a couple times a month. Our girls are better with this openess. They were very attached to their bmom, but they are also very attached to us. Their bmom has been a great resource for us as she reinforces everything we do, our one daughter is exspecially less anxious and stressed knowing that her mom is ok and that she (daughter) has permission to still love her.

quietcentfury, I am so glad that is working out well for you. I re-read my reply and realized I'd said "OA" when what I meant is that you don't need an agreement to have an open adoption--and, of course, degree of openness can be a wide range. An agreement, I think, ties your hands ethically and sometimes legally in ways that could make it impossible to parent responsibly. For that reason, I really don't agree with them in any situation, foster or private. Another thought, Goddess, on your questions about whether the child "knows" who biodad is: Many kids this age have NO CLUE what father, mother, or the concept of parent actually means. Our fd/soonad certainly didn't. Within a month of turning six years old, she had NO CLUE that there was any difference between the first, second, and third set of parents she knew in terms of who they were to her. They were just the grownups in the house where she lived. She did not understand, when she and another foster boy were leaving her first foster home (to go to separate adoptive homes), why another boy living there didn't have to leave, too. It was because he was the foster parents' own son, but that made no sense to her, the concept was completely outside her knowledge. That was not something we "worked on" in therapy to "correct." Gradually, little by little, through casual conversations and just living in a community in a stable home and especially in first grade, she came to understand family formation and roles--just as any child does, but most kids get this sooner since they stay with the family they are born to. Then she got angry and that we "dealt with" to some degree in therapy but therapy really focused more on attachment and symptomatic issues. The "grief and loss" therapy she had early on was a little confusing for her as that therapist proceeded on the assumption that she knew she'd lost her "parents" and would have great separation and grief associated with them when, actually, I don't think she ever really did. She would refer to her last removal there and placement with fff as "the Great Rescue." Later, she grieved what she felt strongly "should have been" in relationship to them but wasn't, if that makes sense. It's hard, because we operate on so many common assumptions that we aren't even aware of and when these kids present without that common ground, it can be disorienting. It sounds (in other threads) as if you are getting some hard and fast lessons in short fostering bursts and those will really prepare you more for when your forever children come home.