Birth Mother's husband

I am married to an adoptee (not a birth mom), so I sort of understand the feeling of being an "outsider" to something if that makes sense. Anyway, what does your wife's son feel like doing -- I mean, does he want to meet his birth father alone? In a group setting, etc.? I think really it should be about what he wants (though I'm sure it might feel weird to you if he wants to just meet with your wife and the birth dad). No advice...I would have a hard time with this too if I were you (especially with the "undying love" profession from the ex...back off!! haha)). I am glad you all have had such a great reunion experience so far! I think you should just tell your wife how you feel....she probably doesn't even realize how tough this may be for you....Good luck.

Thanks for your response. I have talked to my wife. It turned into a huge argument. She says I don't understand and I'm being selfish.

Aha! My DH is "sort of" in a reunion with his birth mom and we have had a few arguments about it...it's sort of the opposite...he is kind of "blowing her off" right now (I think....he thinks she is blowing him off by not wanting to meet and stick to email contact only...arrggh!). Anyway, he has said to me "You don't understand." Well, of course I don't, but I'm trying to be there, you know? Anyway, I'm sure this is totally emotion-laden. Have you (maybe the two of you) thought about talking to someone (a pastor, counselor or somebody)? Hang in there! I think sometimes all this "reunion" stuff can get really consuming and it can be hard! Keep us posted.

If it is any help at all ... My mother did this when her daughter (my birth sister) reunited iwth her birth father. IT was a one-time meeting and reminded my mom of all the reasons why she thought he was a big jerk back in teh day :) They never spoke again.

Thanks Jensboys. That response made me laugh...something I have done very little of the past few days.

Personally, I think your wife should stay out of the reunion between her son and his birthfather. Especially given that the birthfather still seems to have feelings for her. It's just inappropriate in my book and if it were me, I'd feel like it was disrespectful toward my husband if I were to get so involved with my ex. I think your wife did her part by providing all the info for her son to contact his birthfather, and the two of them should forge their own relationship separately. I honestly can't imagine being there if my son was meeting his birthdad for the first time. That relationship ended so many years ago and I really have no desire to rekindle it in any way, shape or form, nor do I wish to see him or relive any moments with him. That would have to be between my son and his birthdad if it ever came to a reunion situation. I don't blame you at all for feeling as you do. I think your wife should consider your feelings in this.

Thanks JustPeachy. I was hoping to hear from a birthmother. I know there are aspects of this situation that I can never understand so I was eager to hear what other birthmothers feel on this problem.

I really feel that now that you and your wife are a couple, a family unit, then that is the way he should meet you both. you could invite them to your home for the reunion or right afterwards for dinner or something. the boys bfather should see you as a couple...so he can go on with his life. with no more day dreams. if he has been in prison all this time....his life has been on hold living in the past and may think he can start things back up now and make things right with the woman he once knew in the life he already screwed up. but this is a reunion for b-father and son to meet. The two men to bond.he has to see the reality of how things are now so he can come to terms with the fact that life has moved on with her although he has not. You should definitely both meet him as a couple.if she goes alone....for a man just getting out of prison...it would be just a sad torturous tease to put him through. IMO

I really feel that now that you and your wife are a couple, a family unit, then that is the way he should meet you both. you could invite them to your home for the reunion or right afterwards for dinner or something. the boys bfather should see you as a couple...so he can go on with his life. with no more day dreams. if he has been in prison all this time....his life has been on hold living in the past and may think he can start things back up now and make things right with the woman he once knew in the life he already screwed up. but this is a reunion for b-father and son to meet. The two men to bond.he has to see the reality of how things are now so he can come to terms with the fact that life has moved on with her although he has not. You should definitely both meet him as a couple.if she goes alone....for a man just getting out of prison...it would be just a sad torturous tease to put him through. IMO

I've been hesitant to post my own experience on this subject, mainly because I know that a lot of people will disagree. But I did go through this exact situation when I reunited with our son back in 1990. After about a year, my then 19-year-old son expressed his desire to meet his birth father, who happened to still live in the area. But he was really scared of rejection, and requested that I make contact with his birth father first. He also wanted me to be there when they met for the first time. In our situation, it was the right thing to do...the appropriate thing to do. The meeting went well, and I will always treasure the memory. After all, Mike and I created this incredible human being together and brought him into the world. Our son was conceived and born out of love...very much so. He has mentioned several times over the ensuing years how much it meant to him to see his mother and father both together in the same room at the same time. I'm glad we had the chance to share our son, if only for a day. That was the last time I ever saw Michael. He was killed the following year in a trucking accident. If there's one thing I feel good about, it is facilitating the meeting between father and son. It meant the world to our son, it meant the world to me, and it meant the world to Mike. None of us that day could foresee Mike's untimely death, so I'm really glad that I listened to my gut instincts. My partner, who I've been with for almost 30 years now, could easily have become jealous...but chose instead to treat the situation with trust and respect and a lot of faith in me. Our relationship was never in harm's way, simply because I was meeting face-to-face with the father of my child. If anything, meeting him one last time enabled me to obtain a sense of closure. And the day I took our son to Mike's funeral, I silently thanked God for allowing that opportunity... Am I saying this is right for everyone -- of course not. Each reunion is different, and we develop different types of relationships. No two reunions or post-reunion relationships are the same. This is just what worked for both my son and myself. This is what he wanted and asked me to do for him. And I'm glad I did... :loveyou:

(((( Raven )))) Outstanding post!!! :-)