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Sunday, June 14, 2009
Time For An Unpdate...
When I last posted things were not well between J and I at all! They stayed that way until the end of March when she text me to say Happy Birthday. That opened up a line of communication between us, and we have been talking since.
There has been so much going on in our reunion that I can only begin by saying...WOW!
We have been talking since late March, not as much as we used to but enough to stay in contact and be comfortable with each other. Her and her bio dad's reunion is pretty non-existent at this point. I do hope that one day that will change but for now it is what she needs.
In late April I began talking with her about my GED graduation that was going to take place in May. She told me that she would really like to be there for it and would do what she could to come. I had mixed feelings about it but was excited at the idea of seeing her. It had been almost a year since we last saw each other.
So once the final date for the graduation was set I let her know. She told me that she was not going to miss it and that she would be there no matter what. I told her OK and that I would make room for her here. And so the plans were laid out for her to come.
She arrived here in Illinois from Maryland on May 24Th, my graduation was set for May 28Th, and she intended to stay until the 31st.. I was happy to see her and was glad that she had made it a priority to come for my graduation.
Except things didn't stay happy for long!
After about 2 days of her being here and me not really getting to see her. (She became fast friends with a cousin I have that is only a few months older than she is and so spending time with my cousin and my cousins's friends became more of a priority than me and the family.) I became incredibly frustrated! I wanted to spend time with her too, and all she wanted to do was run away from me (or so it seemed anyway). Things went downhill between her and I very quickly when her and my cousin did some not so good things that involved my 16 year old "raised" daughter!
By the time my graduation rolled around I was so hurt and so fed up I just wanted her to go back home. I said some things that I am not proud of about her to my friend though a text message and J found out by reading my text messages. Needless to say she was very hurt by it, and the hurt and animosity began to build! Finally I snapped and so did she, and a huge fight ensued.
I told her to pack her things and get out of my house and she called the cops on me. It was a mess!
It was right about this time that I found out that she had not told her adoptive parents that she was coming here, but she had told them that she was at the beach in Maryland! So I called her adoptive mom to let her know where she was, and to see if she could try and talk her into coming home early. (she still had like 4 days left of her trip here) WHAT A MISTAKE!!! Instead they flipped out, threw a fit and kicked her out of the house. She told J that she just as well stay here because she no longer had a home to come home to!
By this point everything was in turmoil, and there was a LOT of drama going on! The next day her adoptive mom called to let me know that J had decided to stay here and find an apartment, but that I should know that J wanted nothing to do with me at all. She then went on to tell me that I was not to attend family function if J was there. It was total craziness!
After about 3 days things settled down and I sent J a text message telling her that I was really sorry for the things I had said about her. That I did love her, and that I hoped one day we could fix the things that had been done to the relationship over the last few days. She text back and told me that she was sorry too, and that she loved me too.
From there we began talking about what her plans were and how she was going to accomplish them. She had no job, no home, and no money! She told me that she had an inheritance coming and that she could live off of that until she found a job, that she had found an apartment, and was going to go to the local cosmetology school in the fall.
And so far that is what she has done. She is looking for a job (hopefully she won't go back to dancing), and she is going to go with me this week to take her entrance exam for school. Her relationship with her adoptive parents is not good at all right now, but I do pray that in the near future they can work through all of this. I have talked with the adoptive parents several times over the last few weeks, and they seem resigned to the idea of not wanting much to do with her.
In my own opinion they see this as losing her to me. Which is not the case at all. I really think that it is more of a case of them losing her to own her person. You know? Honestly, I don't see her anymore than they would have if she was still living there. She is busy making new friends, and trying to find her way in this new world of hers. I only see her if we have something planned or if I pin her down to plans with me. Otherwise she is doing her own thing.
So that is my current update! And yes I know there has been a lot going on, but at the same time things seemed to have settled down as well. I will try to post updates more often and as they come up.
Love to all...
That was the update I posted on my blog today.
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Casandra...wow, I don't even know what to say. A LOT has happened the past few weeks for both you and J. The whole situation sounds pretty intense. I'm glad that things are settling down a bit.
Her parents confuse me, to tell you the truth. They're the ones who opened the door to reunion to begin with. Didn't they just call you out of the blue a year and a half ago, and then put your 17-year-old daughter on the phone? And, of course, the kicker was that they had informed you when she was in grade school that she had died in an accident. I don't know how you were able to keep your sanity that day...
I have to give this situation some more thought...a lot of heavy stuff going on.
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Yes, Raven, they are the one that opened the line of communication in this reunion. I having had been told that she had been killed would have never known to look for her. (I hope that made sense)
I have no idea what to think anymore. All I can say is that there is nothing they can do that will amaze me anymore. I think at this point I have seen it and heard it all! And Quite frankly I am exhausted!
Yes, amidst all of it, congratulations on your graduation! Glad you are finding common ground with your daughter.I think relationships are like standing on a sand dune in the wind...tomorrow the sand and wind will still be there, but the dune will have changed, sometimes no longer recognizable. Peace,Susan
You know my late teens were my "worst" times and I am really sorry for my parents when I think about those times.. So sometimes you can never know how much of the issues are related with adoption how much of the issues are related with personality and how much of the issues are related with adoption..Soo please if you find some traits in her dont assume that she will be like that for ever..One think I am sure is I am a different person then before and even at that times I was not a bad person.. I was only trying to find my way and I was a little bit selfish. You know when I am too excited or worried or I feel to many emotions I did not like being around my mom. I did not like to be read by her.. Anyways.. Good luck.. Be calm try not to exagerate things .. I do not think you have to share everything with her adoptiove parents unless it is really necessary.
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Jennasmom,
I read this when you posted it, but wasn't sure what to say. It's just an overwhelming situation to read about, much less live it!
Her parents totally confuse me. Telling you she was dead is about the most cruel, inhumane and outrageously malicious thing I've ever heard in adoptionland. How they've handled the reunion that they thrust on you changes every day. I think they're doing whatever they think suits their purpose the most, whatever the current purpose may be. In fact, that sounds a bit like Jenna and might be why she seems to live on impulse and pursuit of her own ends even if it flies in the face of greater principles like kindness, respect, compassion, truth, etc. She's had a lot of years of learning that.
To be honest, I remain concerned for you and very concerned for the daughter you raised and your other kids. I think this reunion has been hell and heaven for you, but it sounds like it's been one harmful thing after another after another for your raised daughter and your other kids. I just don't think it's a good idea to have contact between them at all right now, especially while Jenna is so unstable and self-centered.
It appears that Jenna has major issues that may or may not ever resolve and I hope that you are getting therapy and have a strong support system to keep you sane as you hang in there with her and attempt to maintain a relationship with her. I respect how committed you are and how giving you have been with regards to her. I believe you are giving of yourself in every way possible, hoping to help heal her hurts and feel assured of your love.
I have to admit though, I cringe every time I read another incident where she has been harmful to your other kids. I don't understand why you are allowing contact there at all. I remain concerned for you always.
God Bless you. Keep coming here. We care about you.
As an adoptee who is only a few years older than your J----I must say that her behavior should NOT be chalked up to being 18 years old. I think you are doing yourself and your family a disservice by allowing J chance after chance when she has made it clear that her needs will always come first.
I am happy to hear that things are leveling out with her a bit but I encourage you to think very hard about what you want to get out of this reunion. She seems very much like a member of my family, my birthsister in fact, who has been given the same spoiled and indulgent treatment and acts in very much the same way as J. I don֒t think that my sister will ever change nor do I truly believe that J will change unless she is given some real limits (like the ones you seem to have given to your raised children!)
I really respect your commitment to her- but I would not expect her behavior to change anytime soon- and I hope, as someone else has stated, that you are getting the support you DESERVE. You are a good mother to your children, and I feel sorry that your eldest is giving you the hell she is. It is not fair to you- and it is not fair to your other children and your extended family that she be allowed to come back again and again after she has treated all of you like crap.
18 is old enough to know right from wrong. I hope she gets the help she needs- and I applaud you for sticking by her, though I wonder how much longer you will be able to do it unless her behavior changes drastically.
Go out, get a manicure, watch a movie with your younger daughter, plan a nice dinner with your husband, and do some things for yourself. Know you can always come to us on the forums. I don't care if you are the worst person on the face of the earth- no one deserves this. You are amazing for giving your daughter the opportunity to change- but please prepare yourself for the idea that she might never do so- as hard as it is.
:grouphug: