Help Needed

Hi Ryan, Welcome to the adoption forums. This is just a really tough time for the both of you, and I feel for you. I'm a birthmother who relinquished my son 24 years ago. I was 18 and had just finished my freshman year of college. Even though it probably was the best decision for me and my son, it was probably the worst decision for me. I know that doesn't seem to make much sense, but no one had told me the sense of loss I would feel, no one had told me how relinquishing a child makes you a horrible person in the eyes of society (although before I did, I was told how it was such a wonderful thing to do). No one told me about how empty I would feel until I found him, and even then, how I would ache at the years I missed and the relationship I can never have with him. I tell you this, not to make you feel bad! But just maybe to help you understand a bit of what your girlfriend would experiance if she had decided to go through with the adoption (and I guess there's a chance that she might change her mind again). What I would do, if I were you, would be to research as much as possible what you CAN do to help your girlfriend parent this child. As long as basic needs are provided for, the MOST important thing for children is to be loved and nurtured. I would think that once you see your child, it will help you to feel more connected. I know it feels like it's not the best time, but what kind of help can you get? Can your parents or her parents help out while you finish your education? What sorts of things do you think would make a better life for your child that you don't think you can provide? I understand how hard it is to feel like your parents are disappointed in you, they'll get past that. Try not to let it get to you! Take care of yourself. Share here, we'll try to help you through this as much as possible! Hang in there. Although it's not always expected, parenthood is a fantastic thing to experience.

Ryan, I can see where you both are coming from. I had a baby last summer when I was 20. I'm also a college student. From the beginning of my pregnancy I said I was going to put her up for adoption, because like you, I have always wanted my children to have a better life than what my parents gave me. And just like your parents, mine are both college graduates.. and both have 2 Masters. So I completely understand where you stand. I also see where your girlfriend stands. My intention was to give my daughter up.. until I gave birth to her.. when it came down to it I changed my mind. Giving a child up is probably the scariest and most heartbreaking thing someone could do. Its not easy on anyone. Im not saying your gf's feelings are worth more than yours.. but over the months, she has probably became attached to the baby. I know I did. Every time I felt her kick, I questioned if I was going the right thing. My daughter was put into a foster home for the first 2 weeks of her life because my parents and myself felt the need to make sure that I REALLY wanted to become a parent. Currently, my daughter is 11 months old. She will be one in July. I am still in school and maintained a 3.4 gpa this past year. And for the record, I'm a single mom.. although my parents are amazing and are helping me. I know you question what is right and what is wrong for you, your gf, and your child.. and by no means am I trying to make you lean a certain way, but it is POSSIBLE to raise this baby and continue with school and give your child a wonderful life. Sure, things will be a little more difficult while you finish up school and such, but in the end, its worth it. Soo incredibly worth it. A child wants love. A child is not bought into this world saying "i want this or I want that".. a child only wants to be loved. They dont want fancy cars or designer clothes or any material possessions. If, in fact, you decide to help parent this baby, I can guarantee when it comes down to it, that baby will be more than happy to have his/her dad around.. their biological dad. You can do it. You and your girlfriend can do it.. if that is what you choose. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. And please, feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Believe me, this time last year, I was questioning the same things you were.

Ryan, it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. i'm sure your parents dont HATE you. they are probably just frustrated with the whole situation like you are. You cant force your girlfriend to place the baby for adoption even if you feel that it is what's best right now. There is never a GOOD time to be ready for parenting. Things happen and now they need to be dealt with. I'm sure that you will both make excellent parents and no matter what happens, whether she wants to keep the baby or not, you need to be supportive of that decision. A baby is definetly a life changing event, but it doesnt have to be for the worst. It may not be what you wanted in your life right now but things happen for a reason. Its hard to see those reasons sometimes, but if your girlfriend wants to keep the baby, then you need to make sure you are there for your baby in every possible way. i truely hope that you find a way to work things out that is good for all of you and espiecally your baby. Rach

I will be there for my son no questions asked if she chooses not to place the child for adoption. I think I already love him more than I could ever imagine I guess what I'm really struggling with is my feelings for her and the natural worry I expect every parent experiences. My girlfriend and I hadn't been together long when we got pregnant and at the time I didn't really see a future in our relationship; being that we're so different. I'm not sure whether or not what I feel for her now is real or just a result of the romanticism I suspect I'm afflicted with as a result of my son.

Well, time will tell on that front! Who knows really. And you can still be a father to your son even if things don't work out with your girlfriend. And yes! There is loads of worry with becoming a parent! I'm sure you'll do fine.