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I had an open relationship with my baby's birthparent. I was VERY naieve (sp) when I agreed to the open relationship when the birthparents signed an identified surrender. I always felt that an open relationship would benefit the baby. I was SO wrong.
His birthparents are SO unstable. I never discussed boundaries or amount of visits, or ANYTHING (in my state an open adoption agreement is not something that is legally binding- my state does not recognize OA). We met about once a month in a public place. They would call my cell phone when they wanted to see him.
Over the last several months the birthparent's instability has come to light in a BIG way. They lied about the birthmom having a baby; then, called me several times to ask me to take her (I even went so far as to buy some clothes and think about a name!). It came to a head when I found out biomom had a negative pregnancy test while in jail, about 2 weeks before she supposedly gave birth to the baby girl. Biomom swears she had a baby; biodad may believe her. I found out biomom has a serious MI that may have caused her to believe she gave birth to a baby (although I doubt this- I think they were just flat-out lying!)
So, they are unstable, and I can't have my baby around them. Its not in his best interest (which is an understatement!).
But, they keep calling (my cell phone)to see him. They called 4 times yesterday and 2 times Saturday. I didn;t asnwer the phone. I've been advised to not answer their phone calls or get into a conversation about why they can't see him anymore. You can't rationalize with an unrational person, right? And, I'm done being pulled into their dysfunction.
Am I doing the right thing by not answering the phone and cutting them off? I feel TERRIBLE doing this! Do I owe them an explanantion? I know they cannot see the baby again, but how should I handle communicating this to them?
To anyone entering into an open relationship with birthparents: PLEASE have a dialogue about boundaries; I thought I did alot of research about open adoption- obviously, I didn't do enough. I made big mistakes (thankfully my baby is too young to be negativitely affected by my mistakes). There is a huge learning curve here!
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YES! They deserve an explanation of why you no longer want contact and what exactly that means and for how long.
If at all possible I would consider offering continued letters with updates and pictures at least once a year.
Just because they are unhealthy to be in direct contact with your child, doesn't necessarily mean that they can't remain in written or phone contact with just you.
But YES! YES! YES! They deserve an explanation of what your thinking and why. It's unfair to leave them hanging and wondering what happened ...to you as a family, to the child, or what that means for the future.
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Give them an explanation if you like, but rest assured, you are doing the right thing by cutting off contact! This is the type of situation that makes an open adoption a nightmare, and definitely not in a child's best interest. If you want to give an explanation, fine, but do not feel that you have to justify making a decision that is best for your child.
Irelady, I know you feel terrible. You are making a decision you never wanted to make, and you've really extended yourself to try to make it safe for D to see his bparents. All that said, try to envision how that phone call is going to go. You say 'you can't see D because you lied'. They say 'we didn't lie!', perhaps because they really believe they didn't. And either they keep insisting they didn't lie, or they start telling you that you're holding the 'disappearance' of the baby girl against them. I just don't see this ending well at all. Are you comfortable doing letters? Do they have a sufficiently stable address that you could get a PO Box and send them a letter telling them that you don't think that seeing them is good for D right now, but you would be willing to do update letters at Christmas & 4th of July, or 4 times a year, or something, provided they keep you informed of an address? Or, in the alternative, sending them a letter saying that you can't do contact now, you thought you could, but the stuff that has happened has convinced you that it's not in D's best interest?
I had issues and had to close off an contact. The adoption was from foster care and there was never any agreement - but I had left it open. I wrote an email and laid out the "rules" for contact - which was basically that she could send letters and cards and I would email pictures.I was very clear and listed consequences (turning off my cell number and not allowing any contact.)Things have been better for my son and I since then.
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I would just send a letter or email to them explaining that at this time, you feel that contact is not in the best interest of your son. I would not call because it will go into a debate, back and forth and that is just more added stress. I too am entering into a semi-open adoption and I already see red flags, so I had to established some guidelines and if they are not followed then I will suspend contact for a while but not completly cut it off.
Thanks for the feedback.
I also think a phone call explaining why they can't see D would not go well.
I have an address for them, but I'm not sure if its current. I'll ask his caseworker if this is their address (not sure if she can tell me this, though). I'll send a letter explaining things to them at that address.
And, I DO want to keep in touch with them with photos and updates. I've always respected that they are my baby's birthparents and want to continue to honor that, even though visits are not in his best interest.
Thanks again.