disappointing reunions - recovery aftermath

Hi Ripples, I find it interesting that you say you developed health issues after your disappointing reunion. My reunion with my birthfather in 1999 ended badly, & I developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome in 2000, when I was 12 years old, with no evidence of Glandular Fever or any other triggers usually associated with CFS. My doctor was dumbfounded as to the cause, & put it down to emotional stress. I am now 21 and still suffer from CFS, though not nearly as bad as I was. In 2003 I ended up being hospitalised for a month as I could not walk or talk. I was once told that our bodies make decisions for us, in that they work out how it is best for us to deal with a bad situation. Sometimes the effects come out in physical illnesses, sometimes in emotional ways. You were certainly very brave to stay on in Taiwan after your hard reunion with your birthsiblings. Maybe the 'drainedness' you feel is your bodys way of telling you that you're physically, mentally & emotionally exhausted. I don't know if i'm recovered, mentally or emotionally, from what happened with my birthfather. I don't know if this is something we can ever get over. Maybe finding a way of coping that is right for you is the key. I don't know if you'd consider this, but a friend of mine once recommended I seek help from a hypnotherapist. I haven't yet given this a go, as the idea of it frightens me to be honest, but maybe subconciously reaching into yourself and revealing things that may be forgotten or pushed aside might help some. Thank you for your support on my thread also. I hope you can find some peace in this. I know I have not been much help, but I am here if you need a chat. I might ramble somewhat, but I can listen :) Take care, -Emma x

Hi Emma, Thanks for sharing your experience and yes, I'd sought help from a hypnotherapist and it was very helpful but exhausting work. I'd experienced the most intense emotional pain I'd ever felt. Thanks again for your support - I find that swapping experiences, i.e. both writing and reading, is very helpful to me and hope it is for you too.

Hi Ripples, I am reading some of the older posts today and wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the experience you went through. I've been reading your posts around and just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts. I think those health issues were due to the reunion also. I know in my situation, even though I've been fortunate with a happy reunion, my blood pressure is like a yo-yo and my stomach gets turned upside down for no reason. My doctor explained that life stresses, even positive ones, do indeed have a profound effect on your body. You seem like an intelligent and well grounded person and that's something you should be proud of. Kitty

Ripples, My bmother had already passed away and my siblings are a no go, other family members have been great but what has helped me the most is doing my maternal family tree. On my bfathers side - I have not found anything to help me through his refusal to have a 10 minute conversation with me. Kind regards,Dickons

Ripples, you bring up a very good subject. I've been wondering the same sort of things. I certainly wish I knew the answers. There is a member,I can't remember who, who has a saying on her post, "The first step in getting over it, is understanding that you will never get over it." I may be paraphrasing, but at the moment, I think that statement is so true. I don't see how I can ever really "get over it". I think I am just going to have to learn to live with it. I am never going to understand why my Bparents and two of my bsibsjust don't seem to really care about me, like I want them to or care about them. I don't understand why my Bdad and his wife made me a central issue in their marriage, then blamed me for their problems, when my relationship with him had nothing to do with their marriage, I had never asked him for anything, demanded he do anything, and he and I hadn't even spoken in months. I don't understand why my Bmom is still, after having me back in her life for 20 years, ashamed of who I am to her and treating me like her dirty little secret. I don't understand why my Bsis, on Bdad's side, had absolutely no interest in knowing anything about me. I'm not really even sure my Bdad ever told her about me. I just don't understand people. What do I do with the knowledge that my bio parents are apparently not capable of having any kind of healthy relationship with me, and though no one has actually ended the relationships, they are pretty much damaged beyond repair. How, after all the times my BPs have hurt me, will I ever be able to trust either of them? I don't know. I guess I continue to grieve for what can never be, and try to focus on the positive things and people in my life. Sometimes, I think what we, or maybe I should say I, really want is to erase the whole situation from our memory in order to say we have healed. That's not going to happen, so I guess we just keep grieving, until we are through grieving. For me, understanding that grief is what I am really feeling, has helped. As much as I feel rejected, unwanted etc, as much as I question what I did wrong, what could I have done differently, I logically know I did the best I could and it wasn't a personal thing about me, the demise of my reunions. I just keep telling myself, when I start going down that road, that I am grieving. I let myself feel the grief, cry for a while, and then get up and keep going. I try to think of something I cand do just for me...something to love myself. I think it's just going to take a long, long time to get better. Oh, and therapy has helped a ton. Physically, I have anxiety attacks, panick attacks,and it's very hard for me to "put on the happy face" to deal with people socially. I have lost all faith and trust in people. It's been a real struggle to not cut myself off from everyone in my life. I don't want to hurt anymore, or get hurt anymore. I think, or maybe hope, as I continue to griev and the pain lessens, that will get better and I'll get back to, maybe not the old me I once was, but a new and better me. It seems that now it is very hard to see the joy in life, but I haven't, though I had begun to wonder, lost my glass is half full attitude. What I wonder, and maybe something that is holding me back, is how to stop hoping that someday my BPs will see what they are missing...their child that they said they loved. I don't want to accept the fact that they aren't really capable of being loving parents, who care about me. I guess that really is just a fantacy to be grieved. It's been six months since either of them have attempted to contact me, andd, after all that has happened and this much time, what would they say? Acceptance that they aren't going to be a part of my life like I hoped is the hardest part of it all, and the part I can't seem to get past. I can't seem to seperate "letting go" from "giving up" the fantacy? I guess it is just going to take a long, long time to heal. Ripples, you aren't alone. It just hurts. Doesn't it? Just to be blunt, it all just sucks, and then life goes on. I'm not a drinnker, but: Here's to us. Survivors of disappointing reunions. I'm planning on doing whatever I have to do to come out of this, though maybe a little scarred, a better person and a happy one at that. After all I've been through in my life, I'll be Derned if I'm going to let this beat me, and keep me down. Thanks for starting this thread. It helps to get this all out.

I am so sorry that you are going through health problems. For me; I cried for 3 years after my birthmother wanted no contact....and every year...on my birthday...I still cry....for the loss of what will never be....but every other day during the year....I realize that I did not cause this turmoil...I was a baby when I was given up....I will not let this situation destroy me...or my family!! Life is definitely a journey.......I pray for your healing!!

Hi all,I'm in a good mood today and I think the factors for me in dealing with all the disappointment include: 1. Knowing I'm not alone - you've all been a fabulous part of this. Just knowing that there are many others who understand and empathize helped LOTS! 2. Letting my feelings out in a safe place 3. Recognizing that the disappointment side is just there and that every now and then the pain may re-surface. Sort of like asthma -occasionally one gets hit and needs extra help in managing it. 4. Having other parts of my life that provide me with meaning, fulfillment and happiness. These parts don't negate or erase my sadder parts, they just balance them out. BTW - I'm still seeing a doctor and an acupuncturist for my health problems and may consider kinesiology. Or I might resume counselling after I've completed my current post-grad studies and have more energy/space to tackle Emotional Work Stage 2! So for all of my fellow adoptees who are struggling with adopton-related stuff, may this rambling of mine provide some glimmer of hope.

Hi Ripples, please recieve the warmest hug from me... if it helps at all!FreakyM

My reunion was in 1994. I still haven't recovered and my b-mom died in 2008. Dre

I too was adopted from Alaska Native culture into the non-Native main culture of the U.S. When I tried to find my Bmother she had passed but I found my sister & went to visit her several times. She had a painful experience growing up w/our Bmother in the village & could never except me. Although I felt hurt I had studied my Alaska Native culture for years, wondering why I had been adopted and taken 1,000's of miles away from my homeland and my culture and my people. So, even though my original family never excepted me, that didn't stop me. I fought on in Alaska and made my own family. I aligned myself with political activists of Alaska Native and Human Rights issues and went back to villages so far out in the bush of Alaska people had trouble finding me. When I was living so far out there, everything that I had to do to survive, hunting, fishing, trapping for subsistence, all those activities came to me as natural as if I had never been taken. It was as though my soul said, "Why yes, of course." And that was the healing. Now I am too old to go out and do those wild things I used to do. But I have my memories and they all make me smile and make me realize a life lived fulfilled to the fullest extent God could have ever imagined for me and granted for me. I am at rest and at peace with all that is me. I got to live my culture as my ancestors did and it was as if they lived again through me and they told me to tell the story and not let it be forgotten. So I still tell the stories. And I smile.I wish you the same happiness some day. Sent with all the love and tenderness one can give.Toshwak of Alaska, an Old Eskimo Soul