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Due to our girls' individual pasts, openness with their birth parents is clearly not in their best interest. However, with our oldest, I did make contact with her aunt to request pictures from when she was young and to see if they wanted to have limited contact (letters at Christmas and birthday). However, over the last five years, they have gradually stopped any contact and it really hurt our oldest.
Now, I'm on a quest for pictures again. Our daughter that just moved in has a total of about 10 pictures from before she moved in with us, plus about the same number of Heart Gallery pictures. Her last foster mom took almost no pictures, although we did get 4 or 5 from her. She says that's all that she has from 2.5 years. We contacted a previous foster parent through email where she was placed for almost 4 years. They did send 3 pictures, all of which include either foster mom or foster dad in them, but have not responded since. The other two we got from her file.
So, I've run out of possibilities except for one. She was placed for adoption a year ago with a family out-of-state. She lived with them for a month before they disrupted, packing her things overnight to wake her in the morning and tell her she was going back immediately. This family has a unique name and I happened to look up the name and find the mom in Facebook. The question is: should I contact a previous failed adoptive placement to see if they took any pictures of her that she can have? How would they react? I know they must have broken hearts over not being able to keep her, but should I respect that and not even contact them? She was horribly wounded by the experience and I'm not even sure I would get pictures that we would decide to give to her. (We did give her the other fp's pictures, but it did bring up a lot of issues. They were supposed to adopt her, too!)
I wouldn't even be in this quandry, but she has so few photos! We've definitely been successful in adding to her collection a bit, but it's still not much. After you're done crucifying me for suggesting this, does anyone have any other ideas to track down pictures?
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That is a TOUGH one. I think I would ask them - I'd be as polite and sensitive as possible, but if I have to make a choice here about whose feelings to put first it is the child's. I don't know why they disrupted, but having made that decision they might find it comforting to know she is doing well, and be able to do something to help. As for the pictures themselves, if they have any - I would NOT give her anything that shows them or anything that really identifies their home just yet. I'd get them and hold onto them, but they'd probably make her feel bad right now - but maybe you'll get really lucky and there will be some photos of just her in a fairly neutral situation.
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Stevenstwin,
Thanks for your input, your thinking is pretty much where I am at, I'm just so uncertain about it. I definitely am hoping for neutral-background pictures, and i could even explain that part to them.
I don't know why they disrupted, other than that she is a very hurt and troubled child. My only guess is that she was just harder than they were expecting. They had horses, and it was summer so she got to ride a lot. Preteen girl, horses, 2nd disruption, yeah she took it pretty hard. It didn't help that afterward her SW told her that as long as she couldn't behave she was never going to be able to have a family. Her SW really liked to document things like that.
That's probably more background than is needed, but my daughter's experience is part of deciding what to do.
MilehighDad
Stevenstwin,Thanks for your input, your thinking is pretty much where I am at, I'm just so uncertain about it. I definitely am hoping for neutral-background pictures, and i could even explain that part to them. I don't know why they disrupted, other than that she is a very hurt and troubled child. My only guess is that she was just harder than they were expecting. They had horses, and it was summer so she got to ride a lot. Preteen girl, horses, 2nd disruption, yeah she took it pretty hard. It didn't help that afterward her SW told her that as long as she couldn't behave she was never going to be able to have a family. Her SW really liked to document things like that. That's probably more background than is needed, but my daughter's experience is part of deciding what to do.
I think I would ask. I understand the desire for pictures. We had about 6 of my daughter when she came to us at the age of 8. That is pitiful considering she had been in care for years. We did open contact with a distant family member and obtain pictures. He gave me some of her with her birthmother. She has such anger to her now that I am saving those for later. I don't want her to tear them up.Even if you get these and save them, at least you can have some.
Do you know the schools she attended? I'm asking because some of her previous teachers may have taken pictures of her. I am a teacher and take pictures of my "kids" (a.k.a. students). I took more pictures when I taught Kindergarten, 1st and 2nd then I do now as a 4th grade teacher. I still take pictures of special projects or special days. My "kids" love to see themselves in pictures. Anyway, I don't know if this is even a possiblility for you and your daughter, but maybe it will lead you to some pictures.
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Beach4,
Thank you so much, I really like the school idea. We do know the school where she was from K to 3rd, and I even have the name of the counselor there. We have also had contact with her last school, but they were actually the source of the few pictures we got through her foster mom. Her foster mom actually took no pictures, whatsoever. Contacting the previous school for pictures just hadn't occurred to me.
Stevenstwin,
Yes, we thought the same thing about horse lessons. Our oldest took riding lessons for quite a while, and it really helped her. Unfortunately, one of the things she is doing right now seems to be pushing away from things she liked before, like she's trying to get distance to the past. She has riding lessons that are paid for, but she is refusing to go. She's doing so well with so many things, we just don't want to push her if it is just bringing up bad memories.
Howdy
It is probably easy to edit the photos if you have the right kind of software.
I would definitely pursue the pictures. A gently worded letter might work well, and the prior family may be very happy that she has now been adopted, and has a family that is right for her. Definitely keep them for her, and give her copies if necessary. You should only show them to her when she is ready, and it may take her some time to be ready for this. When she is, the connection to her past may be very good for her.Our newest has looked at our family pictures of us at Disneyworld, Washington DC, and Niagara Falls. She wants to go back to those places, so we can have pictures with her. It seems totally natural, that she wants to connect with our family that way.Another thing, not quite on the same subject. "Our Girl's" therapist suggested that we make a timeline of all of our lives, so we can see what was going on in her life at the same time something was going on in hers.We will probably get to that in earnest when she is adopted, as we hopefully can get all of her records to help us reconstruct all of this.
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MilehighDad
Hmm, that's also a good point. I wanted to suggest to Txmom that she could make copies and give her daughter the copies. That way, if they did get torn up they could be replaced later. That is what we have done with all the pictures we have been able to get so far.