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Hello Folks,
Here's the deal. My wife and I just celebrated our one year anniversary and the birth of our son. She brought to the marriage her 6 year old son too. I have treated him like he was my own since the day we met. I love the the little guy and really want to adopt him.
My wife had him when she was 18. She never married the father. The only thing the father has ever done for his son is sign the papers declaring himself the father. The courts have never been involved and my wife has always had custody of him, claimed him on taxes, etc. There has never been any child support paid, custody orders, etc. She does receive the occasional phone call from him, but never returns the phone call and it has been over a year since he has actually seen his son. My wife and I pay everything for the little guy. Clothes, food, medical/dental insurance, baseball, football, etc, etc, etc.
I have read a lot of literature on this and would like to go the "willful failure" route. Is there any advice that anyone could give us on starting these proceedings? Is this the appropriate route to take? Maybe try to see if the dad will consent? I do know that he has two other children by two different women and pays support for one of them.
Thanks for any information or advice.
-d
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Your best bet is to consult a family law attorney who specializes in stepparent adoption (not all family law attorney's know anything about adoption). If you've been married for at least one year and if it's been a year of no contact and no support then the standard for abandonment and the adoption has technically been met, which is the starting point.
I caution you though, that contact does not just mean visitation, phone calls count as well and if he has attempted to contact his son and your wife has intentionally thwarted his attempts to contact his son (you say she doesn't return his calls) and the lack of contact is partially due to your wife's actions, things may not go well for you.
The process is:
1. file the petition to terminate his parental rights on the ground of meeting the standard of abandonment (if in fact it has been met, meaning that he hasn't called or attempted ANY KIND of contact for over a year- not whether you have allowed it), with petition to adopt by stepparent.
2. The father will be, and must be, notified of his right to appear in court to protest and attempt to maintain his parental rights. If he can't afford an attorney, one will be appointed for him (at least this was the case with our stepparent adoption several yrs ago in CA).
3. Depending on your county, you may have to wait a while or it may happen quickly, but you will be contacted by an investigator assigned to the case. He/she may ask for written statements and will definitely interview you, your wife, possibly your son (depending on his age at the time the investigation actually happens), and the biological father.
4. You will have a home inspection
5. the investigator will produce his report detailing the contents of the interviews, his other investigation and his recommendation for the court.
6. You will have a court date set at which time the judge will hear your case, hear the biological father's case (if he presents one), consider the investigator's recommendation and make a ruling.
OR
you could ask your son's father if he will willingly sign a voluntary termination of his parental rights with intent for you to adopt him. Either way, you will still have most of the process to go through.
Whatever happens, ethics are important. The legal process of the adoption, while it makes the legal reality the same as the everyday reality and secures his living situation in the event anything should happen to your wide, does not erase his biological heritage, nor should you attempt to hide or obscure it from him. Age-appropriate honesty is important, as is keeping in mind that your son may likely still want a relationship with his biological father someday, even if you are "Dad" and always will be. Please hear me on this.
I adopted my son through stepparent adoption when he was a bit older than your stepson, and after a childhood of declaring himself adamantly opposed to the idea, at 18 he wanted to reconnect with his biological mother. He considers her other children his brother and sister and not affected at all by the legal situation and it's been 2 yrs now that they've been in contact and we are making our second visit out there this weekend.
It was a hard process for me to go through, understanding and accepting that the biological reality remains unchangeable and permanent, no matter what the adoption did or the new birth certificate says, but it was necessary, because my son deserves to know his whole story and to choose his own relationships- I don't own him because I adopted him. It's not an easy path being an adoptive parent, but there is no easy path of parenthood, they all have challenges! There is a difference, and while it doesn't have to be highlighted or shoved in his face, it should be acknowledged that he may have different needs and you will have different challenges.
Best wishes.
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Heidi has given you excellent advice and counsel, so I won't try to add anything. I do want to reemphasize, however, that if your wife has not returned her child's father's phone calls this past year in the hope that his parental rights will be terminated by the court, it won't work...the court will see right past it. How does she know that he wasn't trying to set a schedule of visitation or even arrange for child support? These are all points that he could raise in a court of law.
The fact that he legally acknowledged paternity for a child born outside of wedlock in the state of California will make a judge take a really close look at this case.
Hey Guys,
Thank you so much for the info. You have given me a few things to think about and research. I think We will definitely consult with an adoption attorney and see where we stand. It will at least give us a reference point as to where we are.
If you don't mind, I would like to post updates with the idea of people playing devil's advocate. It really helps to get opposing points of view.
Thanks,
dan