Non-mom in son's reunion

Hi Heidi, I know I've read and commented on the other thread, but I wanted to lend my support. Your situation is a bit odd I guess since it's not out in the open as to who you are. Argh HOW FRUSTRATING You have every right to be upset. I guess the thing is that J is old enough now really that if he wants to go there, you don't need to go. I'll ask here again then, what's J's take on the whole thing? And I guess I'm getting more of an understanding of my son's amom's position in some situations. My son has a stepmom, his amom is all alone. I guess one of the conditions of the divorce was that the dad would get to have the kids for all of the major holidays, since he has a huge family locally and the do celebrations together. The stepmom feels bad for the amom being alone on said holidays, so she invites her along so that she can spend those holidays with her kids as well. What a mixed thing it must be for her. At least she has the advantage though that she knows everyone, and her place is known, but then she has to deal with animosity from her ex. What a tangled web we weave! Heidi, it's ok you're feeling down about this. It's completely unfair that it became that sort of situation. Even though your position of being the adopted mom there was a bit awkward? it didn't have to be painful.

(((HUGS)))I'm really angry for you if I'm honest. Yes, it's not about US and it is about our children and making things "easier" for them during a stressful time. However, I don't think that includes being diminished as a person.It's one thing to not make waves or be overly involved, but to not be seen as even a person, much less a mom is extremely disrespectful and they all should be ashamed of themselves, imo. I would be horrified if anyone in my family treated someone like that at a family celebration. Like you said, if it were a girlfriend, etc. it would not be an issue at all. I just got home from my family reunion and we had some boyfriends/girlfriends there who were fully included. Heck..they were even in the family photos we took. One of my uncles passed away a few years ago and there was some "bad blood" between some family members regarding some things. His wife came to the reunion and even those who likely still harbor some resentment towards my uncle were courteous to her and she was included in things. So yes, Virginia, kindness and common courtesy are real. I think you handled it with all the grace and finesse you have and have every right to be hurt. Like Q said, while the awkwardness is likely expected, there was no reason for it to be a hurtful situation.As for J...I understand him not wanting to hurt M by calling you Mom due to all the history involved there and he knows and trusts you to be the mom that will "understand". I just hope that HE understands that even when we make sacrifices for our kids because that is our job as a parent sometimes, it doesn't mean we aren't hurt by that. Sometime soon, I hope you can have that discussion with him and let him know how it made you feel and how it could have been handled differently. The thing he doesn't likely understand, not being a fully matured adult yet is that calling you mom would not have lessened any "hurt" or awkwardness anyway. I mean, everyone knows who you are and M has had years to deal with this fact. True, she hasn't dealt with it well, but she also personally invited you and had to have gotten herself to a place where she was going to be able to deal with that. kwim? J needs to understand that no matter what he does, it won't change that for her and it's her "challenge". I know you wouldn't want to put him in the middle of anything or make him feel like he had to "choose" or all that stuff. But it's not too much to ask to be treated as a person and I'm sorry you went through all of this.(((HUGS)))

I'm sorry you had to endure that. My mom and dad are never hidden but I also understand the loyalty conflict your son is going through and how much he needed you - his mom - to just be there. Please try to find a way to let him know YOU need understanding too and hopefully the future will be different. Kind regards,Dickons

Okay, so I'm trying to think through J's thought process here.He doesn't want to/can't call you Mom in front of M because he doesn't want to hurt her. Which, of course, in turn hurts YOU. Which would, on the surface, make it seem like it doesn't upset him to hurt you. When I THINK the reality is that he knows that he has your unconditional love and support - and he's taking the unconditional part very seriously.While we know that we can do ANYTHING and our parents will still love us, sometimes there's this gap between knowing we can and realizing that doesn't mean we have to, you know? I remember being J's age (not that long ago) and I basically ran away from home. For A night, I was going to go home, but my parents found me and came to get me - LONG STORY. Anyway, it SUCKED and I knew I was hurting my parents, but I also knew that they'd come back from it. That it would become a distant memory and we'd patch things up and it would be okay. Now I realize that you're in a different situation, but it sort of took me hurting my parents to realize that I didn't ever want to hurt them again. How unfair that was.But it did take them telling me how much I hurt them. I do hope you're able to have that discussion with J - because while it's about the kids, J is also becoming an adult, and does need to learn to interact with you and DH on adult levels. I think I'm rambly, but I'm here if you need to talk (or lunch or anything).

I beleive your son is only 19 right? I am willing to bet that he felt just as uncomfortable as you but doesn't quite know how to approach it...and being male avoidence ALWAYS works best! I do feel for you, it must have been horribly uncomfortable and hurtful. I REALLY beleive thats its up to yours sons bfamily to know better and not necsessarrily your son as he is dealing with his own private emotions...loyality, fear ect. He may not have even picked up on it. But what I would do that ifit comes up again and you are asked to go with him I would then tell them and him that you are his mother and not just "heidi from cali" ..and actually if he is old enough its something he shoulddo on his own. OR if that is not an optian you bring someone that can support you...you should never be left in a hotel room by yourselve that was plain rude on his bfamilies part. I honestly think that ifit were me I would have felt the same as you.

Thanks everyone for the advice and thoughts, it helps to hear from others. I actually think all of you are spot on, in all the different things you said. I'm feeling MUCH better today. Q- as for your question, J and I haven't really had a "debrief" that I would like to have, but I wanted to have my head on straight first. There have been a few sentences exchanged. He says he didn't notice how I was introduced. Weird, since it was all in one sentence, he and I together, and it was over and over and always exactly the same. But he's a young guy and it's pretty much their job to be unobservant, right? He says in follow-up conversations with some people they asked, "Now, who is Heidi?" and he says he would always answer "She's my mom." So that's good. A few times, I was able to "assert" myself in a friendly way, but the same thing happened every time. A new person would come over to the group, or sit down with us after getting the "Heidi from California" line and ask me further, "Now how do you know them?" or "how do you fit in here?" Twice I said "I'm J's mom" and once I said "I'm J's adoptive mom." Each time, the person asked back, "Who's J?" and then- all 3 times- the whole table of ladies would say loudly all together "M's son!", which I know he is, but he was never once referred to as my son. These are the ladies, who heard me call myself his mom/adoptive mom each time, and the ones who called me his "stepmom" to whomever asked them instead of me. I've come to the conclusion that the denial of the whole adoption and the whole situation is what created the confusion for everyone and causes it to persist. And I can't change what they think or what their family and friends are told, and it's obviously not going to change, even though I thought the invitation itself meant that it had. I know now, it hasn't and it's not going to. This creates an even more difficult situation for J as the adoptee, because he's dealing not only with normal reunion feelings and difficulties, but the added complication of knowing that M and her family and friends hold to a different belief about the whole thing and persist in trying to present, or live in, their alternate reality, especially when he's with them. Their house, their world, essentially. His half-brother and sister through M are both minors living at home and J has made it clear his primary motivation is growing and maintaining a relationship with them. So, he's not going to do anything that might rock the boat and jeopardize that. He also is crystal clear that I'm his mom and thinks that I should be crystal clear that he's crystal clear, so I should understand whatever it is he feels he has to do to cope with the situation out there without thinking that it bears any implication on our actual lives at home. I think he wants me to pay for the trip and keep him company on the way, and then understand that he needs to do what he needs to do. I don't think he gives much thought to what it is I'm supposed to do after getting him out there. I have no problem with him doing as he pleases out there, but I think he's old enough now (just turned 20) that he can get out there by himself without using me as a human plane ticket and security blanket. I think with things as they are, and with J being as old as he is now, there is no constructive purpose in me being there again. J doesn't need me, they don't want me, and I certainly don't enjoy it things being as they are. Anyway, that's where I am. I really appreciate the support and advice from all of you. Confession- I had a snarky moment at the airport (we had drama because J lost his wallet and had no ID). So, when we finally cleared security I said "Heidi from California is taking M's son and going home!" J didn't see the humor, so then I had to make another joke to fix the mood. :evilgrin: :eek:

Oh, I also changed my signature. :p

Yea HEIDI! I'm glad you changed your signature. Actually, I almost think we all should have that as our signatures. And the thing is I KNOW how you are, and I KNOW that you don't deny M her relationship with J, and it's so sad that it's SUCH a mess. And you are absolutely right, you don't need to put yourself in that situation again. J IS old enough to make these kinds of trips on his own, and it was a bit too much for even SUPERHUMAN HEIDI to live through. You sometimes seem like a superhero to me at least! And I think J just is a bit clueless, and being a young adult self-centered (as we all have been). Know what I mean? Sounds like you're calming down though. ((((Heidi)))) Are you going to debrief J then?

Heidi - IF you ever DO want to go out there, just get a seat next to ya and I'll fly out and we'll make browneyes come down and meet up :) Other than that, I think you're right in the direction you're headed, and I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better. But we're ALWAYS here should you feel worse, the same, bleh, sky-high whatever! :grouphug:

Heidi: I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to go back, and I do agree that J is old enough to go on his own. However, if he still needs your support, you needn't worry about being left alone, I can always find us a new adventure to keep us busy ;) (((HUGS)))

See Heidi, you have lots of support from other amoms and bmoms....aqnd adoptees too! You are 100% right he is old enough to go and you are also 100% right that as much as he thinks he is all grown that security balnket and moula sures help! Guess what, there are many kids that age that would do the same...I mean the money and security thing! I do think his bfamily and friends did a poor job of preparing themseoves and ARE living in today..but once your son gets a grip and starts to process he will see it! And when that happens it hurts.... I think you can be very secure in the fact that he is your son and he feels he is your son.

Oh, but he does need you. He's making that really clear. It's like toddlers who go out and explore because they know mom is nearby to return to. There's nothing wrong with a twenty year old that needs mom as a security blanket... not in this situation. I would talk a little bit more of what he's afraid of, or is uncomfortable with.

I hear you Brenda, and that's why I've been there both times. I guess I'm just at the moment struggling with balancing that against what the experience for me ends up being. Maybe it's about those nasty expectations (isn't it always?). I had thought, because of being personally invited, that there had been a reconciliation of sorts with the situation and there was comfort with me bring J's mom. When that went up in smoke, I was shocked and upset. And the really weird behavior of her husband just confused me. At first I thought maybe he was trying to cope with caring for his wife, but all added up it's more like he was marking the territory for his family- being the bouncer so to speak. Maybe if I had realized better what to expect, it wouldn't have been so upsetting. Maybe I could let it all roll off if I hadn't gone in with happy expectations of how it would be. Okay, I have another serious question that this whole thing has brought up for me. I'd love input from whomever has it. This is it: I have to admit, this is making me seriously consider whether I/we could ever invite or include them in major family events on our end. Without knowing we are on a common ground and have a common understanding I don't know how it could work. Especially if it's my job to smile and shut up and J's determined to play along so he doesn't upset anyone- but doesn't worry about upsetting me because he's secure with me, I just don't know if I can accept that being my experience of major events in J's life, that I would love to enjoy fully with him and for him. I don't know. Now I'm starting to sound like a territorial amom, which I've never wanted to be. I guess I'm not completely serene about this yet. I am, however, seriously wondering about this after how this weekend went. It hasn't come up yet, because we haven't had a major event for J during the course of things. It won't for another 18-24 months, but now I'm thinking ahead. It's not entirely my choice, of course, as it's J's life and milestones, but he usually asks my advice about hard stuff and considers it seriously (for the time being...I know my days are numbered :) )

I think in the course of events that YOU are hosting, things will be different. You will have support and loved ones surrounding you that you didn't have in PA, kwim? And that will make a world of difference. And in your own family you will not have to smile and shut up.:)I think too, as J matures and gets more comfortable in his "meld" of the two sides, things will be different there as well. At some point he will come to the decision that he can only be who he is, and not take on the "walk on eggshells" approach with his bfamily. Just my thoughts on that..

I think that there is a sense in which when they come to CA they are entering your world... the one in which you are mom and they are bfamily. In some ways your situation is unique: you married the bdad who was raising his son. Until you adopted him, your were the step-mom. Denial being what it is, M can conveniently forget the adoption part. (I suspect that along with the mental illness, she also deals --or doesn't deal -- with the guilt of having deserted her first family.) When they come to your place, the siblings can also begin to build a relationship with lttle J. I find, btw, that since my "children" are in their 30s they ask my advice, far more than they did in their teens and early 20's.