Posted for Another Member: Help in Restoring Communication - X-Posted

My goodness, that is so tough. On one hand, I say pick up the phone and call her. Tell her that it was suggested by the mediator that you place the call and go from there. Hopefully the line of communication will open up. On the other hand, there are questions that make me question my first reaction... Why was the communication stopped? Why hasn't she (amom) called first? How does the child feel about the lack of communication? Does the child want to have visits again? I know this is no help at all. I'm sorry, but it really is hard to give advice on such little info. All that said, my gut says for you to call the amom. Someone has to make the first move, so to speak. Call her and just open up and be honest with her. Let her know how this break has hurt you. Let her know how much you desire contact. Let her know how much you love your child. Tell her that for the sake of the child, you need to work together, not against each other. Then follow through with whatever you agree on. Keep your promises and let amom know that you expect the same out of her! Again, sorry if this is no help. My heart goes out to you. This is definately a hard situation.

I'm curious too? If communication is non-existent, the mediator needs to be doing her job by communicating. Not to be harsh but what ever the reasons are/is, it's very hard to know what each side is thinking; the amom might be afraid to call, so I would ask the mediator to step in again. Now if the mediator does call and says amom is going to call and she hasn't, then I would give her a couple of days and call her. If she doesn't respond ( i.e. you left a message on her answering machine) I would let it go for a while- like a cooling off period. -Manni:flower:

I know how hard it would be to make that call. I also have learned (the hard way) that the anxiety level builds the longer I put a contact off. My personal experience has been that reality is often far less difficult than I imagined before hand. No one can guarantee that the call would have a positive outcome, but if neither make the call, nothing will get better.

Here's a bit more information from the OP: Ok, all letters and questions I send do not get answered. It is almost like I didn't send it to begin with. I don't ask questions any longer because I know they won't be answered. They could have done a conversation with DD but chose not to and just told me that they were stopping visits. I have too much anger to sit on a phone call since I will either not say anything or just let the anger out and know that saying anything then what little bit I get will stop all together.

To me, it sounds like the mediator needs to do her job! Maybe have a 3-way call or, better yet, schedule a meeting where everyone involved can be there. If she can't get things atleast to the point where everyone can have a meaningful converstation, you may need to find a new mediator!

Speaking as ME, TGMom now, I personally can completely understand the apprehension to be the one to call.....I think that a three way conference call, or with one party being physically WITH a mediator present would be the best bet so that someone that is unbiased can keep things on track and moving in a positive direction. But I mean, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I feel like the amom is just refusing to "drink" if you will.

I replied to this on the adoptive parents forum... was there any type of openness agreement signed...or even a verbal good faith agreement? I wonder if the Mediator could use that as a staring point? As an amom I am personally offended (okay, disgusted) when aparents make an agreement (even a non-binding verbal agreement) and then break it "just because they can." I am so sorry this firstmom is going through this. I know it must be very painful I want to let you you that is it stories like yours that have made me an advocate for reform in adoption and I have recently become a speaker at the agency where we adopted our son, where I speak about the moral obligations inherent in OA. Sending good thougts your way....

Yes there was an agreement, but it is not a legally binding OA agreement or anything.

As someone who has participated in both successful and unsuccessful mediations (for my clients), my practical advice is to get a new mediator!! It is that person's job to bring two parties "at odds" to the table, not to ask either of you to "reach out" first!! I don't know enough from the info provided to know what is the real issue, but I am sorry you are going thru this. One "clue" to me though is that if the a parents are willing to participate in a non court ordered mediation, things really can't get "worse" and hopefully you can work productively together. I also tell clients that mediators tend to "split the baby" (sorry, bad analogy in a case like this!) so approach it in that light. Another thing that I find helpful in a mediation is preparing a "mediation statement" setting out your facts and goals...you can ask the mediator to keep it confidential if you wish (or to share if you wish). Best of luck!