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This is my first post, but I have been reading these boards for the past several months ever since I decided to give my baby up for adoption. Now my plans have been involuntarily changed and I'm in need of some advice. Here's my situation:
8 months ago I got divorced from a man I barely knew. We were very young and very stupid and got married after only knowing each other for a few weeks. We quickly realized our stupidity and divorced. About a month after the divorce was finalized (we continued to have sexual relations during the finalization process - stupid, I know), I found out that I was pregnant.
I told him about the pregnancy. He was shocked and didn't seem to want to discuss our options. Shortly after that I lost contact with him. I know where he lives and works so I could reach him at any time, it's just that he stopped calling me and I stopped calling him. I made the decision on my own to give the baby up for adoption and chose a lovely family to enter into an OA agreement with. I was 100% sure that he would be as thrilled as I was with my choice, but it turns out that I was 100% wrong! I told him about 6 weeks ago of my adoption plans and he went into hysterics saying that I was not going to give his baby away. I pleaded and begged him, I explained to him that this was an OA and he would get to remain in the child's life, I tried to make him see how unprepared either of us are to be parents, but nothing worked. He is adamant that he wants to raise this baby. I have tried to get him to explain to me how he plans on providing for a baby when he cannot even provide for himself half the time, but he just keeps repeating like a stubborn child "I want to raise my baby". I don't know what to do. I am in no way financially prepared to raise a child and he is even less prepared than me!
So now I am thinking about giving the baby away through Safe Haven. Even though our state has a Safe Haven law, I would travel out-of-state to help reduce the chances that the father would be found. I have done some research and there are several states that would allow me to give the baby away anonymously and do little to find the father. I have some concerns about this plan, however, and would like some opinions as to whether it would work. Here are my concerns:
1) I plan on returning to my home city after surrendering the baby because this is where my family and my life is. Of course, he's going to wonder what happened to the child. Is there any way that he can legally compel me to tell him where the child went?
2) If he does take me to court or something and I am forced to tell that I surrendered it under Safe Haven, is that in any way illegal because I knew he didn't agree?
3) If he were to somehow find this baby, could he have the adoption overturned? I know an adoption can be overturned in the case of fraud, but this isn't really fraud, is it? If they never asked who the father was and I never told, that's not fraud, is it? I'm sure these states must have a secure way to terminate the rights of fathers or else the resulting adoptions would be being challenged all the time.
I know many reading this think it is a moral sin for me to give this child away without the father's consent. I agree and I wish I didn't have to. But my first concern is giving this baby the life that it deserves, and sadly, neither I nor the father, are able to provide that right now. I just wish that he was able to see it that way and we could go through with the OA I originally planned.
So can anyone give me a reason why my Safe Haven plan wouldn't work? Also, if anyone has any other options, I would love to hear them.
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I have to agree with the others that say this is wrong.
I understand that in times of desperation, sometimes we'll do anything. Really think of how the final outcome will affect your child though.
In the early stages of my pregnancy I was seriously thinking about saying I didn't know who the father was. For some of the same reasons you stated, he didn't have secure income, liked to go out alot...
The PA mom even knew this and stated she'd go along with it. But was concerned about what she would tell her husband as he insisted on the father being known.
I did come to my senses and told the father of his son. He had his period of wanting to parent and then agreed to the adoption.
I ended up parenting my son. His father...is a huge part of his life, got a full-time job, and has slowed down on his going out. Sometimes having a child to care for really makes them look at their life differently.
Your child has the right to know who his father is. Please, rethink your decision, for your child's sake.
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This is so wrong and I am appauled at anyone suggesting this plan be executed. Just wrong!!! As an adoptee who's Bmom took my Bdad's identity to the grave with her, you have no idea what an impact this has on my life.
Sure I love my aparents and amom is Momma and adad is Daddy, but I do have a biological father and it is my right to know him. I was ROBBED of that right when my bmom chose to lie. Even people who breed dogs list their sire and lineage, yet because a woman decided to be decietful I have no idea who my bfather is.
EZ
I imagine you are going through a rough time right now, but I agree with the others in that this is very wrong. I know you don't think he is prepared right now, but shouldn't he get a chance to prove if he is serious or not?
Your baby deserves to be with his father if possible. Maybe his parents will be able to help him out. Or maybe you can actually put the ball in his court and tell him that he needs to find a place for him and the baby to live as well as daycare while he works and so on. If he is not really serious about raising the child, he may realize it then. I just do not believe any of this should be done on the down low.
I would find it so sad to be a man and know that I had no control over whether my baby would be raised by me or total strangers. If he wants this baby, I think it's the right thing to do.
I wish you luck!
Thank you all for your advice and support. For those who feel this is wrong, I understand your feelings because a part of me also thinks it is wrong. But I just don't see any other options.
Truth be told, I don't really think the father wants to raise the baby. What he really wants is for me to raise the baby and for him to be able to pop in occassionally to play daddy. But even if he were willing to take 100% custody, how can I allow that? How can I in good conscious say that I'm not prepared to raise a baby and then hand him over to someone way less prepared than me? This is a man who has never made a commitment to anything in his life! He dropped out of highschool at 15, then dropped out of vocational school (several times). If he holds a job for 6 weeks he considers it long-term. He goes through addresses like most people do socks (because of his failure to pay rent). How can I expect that he is going to really make a commitment to raise a child? That would mean keeping a job, getting an education to make a better life for himself and the baby, getting a stable home. None of these things has he shown any capability or willingness to do in the past. How can I take the gamble that he'll really make the commitment necessary to change his entire lifestyle to raise this baby? Even if I believed he was serious in his commitment, that still wouldn't change his circumstances right now, today. I would still be saying "I'm not ready to be a mother", but handing my baby off to someone far less ready than me. I can't in good conscious do that. I would rather have my son suffer a little hurt as an adult when he discovers the deception (if he discovers it and if he even cares), then have him suffer 18-years of hurt in a bad childhood.
Anyway, I did speak to an attorney today. He basically confirmed what I already knew. There is no way I can go through with the open adoption that I had planned without the father's consent. The only choices that I have are 1) raise the baby myself, 2) hand the baby over to the father to raise, or 3) an anonymous safe haven surrender. There is also the possibility that the father could refuse to sign the adoption papers and refuse to take custody, in which case I would have the choice of taking custody myself or leaving the baby in legal limbo (fostercare) for god knows how long. I definitely won't allow that to happen!
The attorney also advised me on which states had the least father-friendly safe haven laws so that I can surrender the baby and be assured that the father can't overturn the adoption later. Not that I really think he would anyway. It's real easy to refuse to sign a piece of paper, but alot harder to actually go through a court process to overturn an adoption. He's good at doing the easy stuff, not so good when real effort is required.
Anyway, my decision has pretty much been made for me by a lack of any other viable options. Arrangements are being made and I should be leaving for the state I have chosen to surrender my baby in by the end of the week.
Once again, thank you all for your advice.
I told him about the pregnancy. He was shocked and didn't seem to want to discuss our options. Shortly after that I lost contact with him. I know where he lives and works so I could reach him at any time, it's just that he stopped calling me and I stopped calling him. I made the decision on my own to give the baby up for adoption and chose a lovely family to enter into an OA agreement with. I was 100% sure that he would be as thrilled as I was with my choice, but it turns out that I was 100% wrong! I told him about 6 weeks ago of my adoption plans and he went into hysterics saying that I was not going to give his baby away.
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Rondidondi
Sounds like your set on doing this.
My one suggestion would be to try to keep taps on the father for the next 18+ years. So when/if your son ever searches you can then give him the information.
My thoughts are with you through this tough time.
JustPeachy
I have heard of scenarios such as this a number of times, and, at the risk of being flamed, I cannot help but wonder if this is mostly about CONTROL on the part of the father. When the OP told him she was pregnant, he couldn't have cared less and essentially dropped out of the picture. But the moment she announced her plans for adoption, he went into "you're not giving up my child" mode, and given what the OP is telling us, I seriously doubt he wants to raise this child or is in the position to do so. Note that he didn't say "I will raise my baby" or "I want to keep the baby in my family" or "I can help you raise our child." That is very telling to me. If push came to shove, my guess is, he would not raise this baby. I also feel (and again, I'm donning my flame-proof suit here) that the OP has the right to assess the father's situation and if it is indeed worse off than what she can provide (and it doesn't sound too swift), she is perfectly within reason to want to protect her child from that. The way she is thinking to go about it may not be right, but I understand her reasoning behind it. This is a tough situation. Sallie M, do you think if you called his bluff, he would agree to the OA?
I have tried to get him to explain to me how he plans on providing for a baby when he cannot even provide for himself half the time, but he just keeps repeating like a stubborn child "I want to raise my baby".
As an adoptive mom, my heart is saying PLEASE don't do this. I can understand if you have misgivings about the father, but he has rights just as you have rights. If he wants to parent, let him parent, let your child grow up with that biological connection and if you don't wish to be a mom right now, you can still sign termination papers for yourself.Open adoptions, even the good ones, are nothing at all like parenting. If your ex-husband wishes to parent I hope you will give him that choice. My daughter's mom loves her and is good to her, but she only sees her for an hour every three months and you can just see she misses her terribly and wishes things could be different.
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One thing to consider, if he were to contest the adoption and not sign anything, he would have to prove he can provide for the child. The judge would decide for the child's best interest, which I really cannot see him winning.In my case, we were not married when I gave birth. Even though he didn't want the child he would not sign the papers. He was served to go to court but did not show and failed to respond to ads in the paper so his rights were relinquished.He still says well he never signed anything but he has no legal leg to stand on and even if he did manage to bring it to court he would have to prove why overturning the adoption is in her best interest and have everything else in order to be able to parent a child. Now it is too late because she is 15 and no judge in their right mind would overturn it. He has not considered that she does not know him and would not automatically run into his arms.On another note, this is his opportunity to show how much he really wants to parent his child, if he really wants it he will change for the better and gets arrangements into place, if he doesn't then he will do nothing. Actions speak much louder than words, it is not enough to say he wants his child, prove it by becoming finacially stable, getting his own place and so on. Every child deserves the right to be raised in a good home, whether it be with both or one bparent or aparents.
SallieM
Truth be told, I don't really think the father wants to raise the baby. What he really wants is ...
While I understand your desire to do the right thing for your baby, you need to consider ALL of his rights, not just what you perceive to be his needs.
Your response to some of the posters' pleas with you regarding the perspective of the adoptee seem to not be taking them seriously. Not knowing your heritage is not a minor thing! Without full disclosure, a person cannot make peace with their identity. If you can't feel comfortable in your own skin, that will effect EVERYTHING in your life!
A party lifestyle, unstable living arrangement, financially not well off - these suck, but they do not in themselves make for a bad parent. If I had the choice to be raised by a rather irresponsible but not harmful parent, without all the fancy stuff all my friends have, or to have a nice, middle-class upbringing with perfectly caring and loving parents but without having any idea of where I come from - I'd choose the former.
***But since it sounds like you are set on doing this, I'd ask that you take very close notes on the circumstances of when, where, how, and with whom you leave your baby as part of the Safe Haven law. While you can be annonymous, get the name of the person you hand your baby to. This way, you can post all of this information on a place like this forum, so that your child DOES have a way to reach you and find out about their heritage. I would assume that the circumstances of the drop-off would be noted (I would hope!) in the baby's file, so he would have access to that.***
I hadn't planned on posting back to this thread, but I came today and clicked on "Today's Posts" and saw this thread at the top of the list, so I'd thought I'd leave an update.
The baby was born a few weeks ago and I did give him away using Safe Haven. As I'd posted on another thread, I had the opportunity to meet with his new family and speak to them for several hours. I'm really glad I did because I found them to be a wonderful family and I think they will be just as good for my son as the family I originally choose. I left them with contact information for both me and the father so that they can give it to my son when he gets older.
Coincidentally, I ran into the father in the grocery store the other day. He must have noticed that I'm no longer pregnant, but yet he never asked about the baby! I think that speaks volumes regarding his intentions in being a father! In fact, when I asked him if he had moved back to the area (because most people grocery shop close to their homes), he became extremely nervous and evasive and couldn't get away from me fast enough. My guess is he assumes because he never signed the paperwork that I kept the baby and will be coming after him for child support.
I am so glad that I ran into him. It really helped confirm in my mind that I made the best choice for my baby.
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SallieM - I'm so glad that it sounds like everything is working out! The baby will not have this missing void from not knowing about you and the birth father, you got the peace of mind knowing who will raise the baby, and your chance encounter with the father clearly indicates to me that he really is not interested in being the baby's father after all.
Thanks for the update! God bless.