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I am 22 weeks pregant and still unsure about what I will do.
I was in engaged and found out that I'm pregnant. This was not a planned pregnancy at all. When I shared the news with my soon to be husband who had always told me he wanted us to have kids right after we got married. He seemed unsure about it when I first found out. He then refused to go to any doctor's appointments with me and told me that he had lied that the truth is he don't want kids and never will.
He wanted me to have an abortion but I honestly felt that was a decision I could not make personally. So my options are to keep my child or to give him up for adoption. I have a wonderful guy who has always been a great family friends. He has kids of his own but is single but still has a very active roll in his childrens life. We had many discusions and he agreed that If I decide to keep my child he would be the godfather.
When I discused with him the option of adoption. I made it clear that I have a major problem giving my child to just anyone and not sure I could do adoption unless I was 100% comfortable with the parents and got to pick them and be a part of my childs life. So me and him talked and he said that if I decide to go that route, that he would take full custody of my son and I could always remain his mother and be a part of his life.
After talking about this option with him more and more. I feel that if I decide that keeping my son is not what is best for him. I would want to be able to give my family friend custody of my son and still remain in his life. So I'm not sure if this option would be considered adoption or what. I assume it would as he is not the birth father and would have full custody of my child. I am just not sure on where to look on information on how to go about this, and what the laws are reguarding this in my state. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks!
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I would get some counseling first. I am unsure as to whether you are still engaged. If so, you will need to decide about that relationship as that's a pretty big issue to lie about. If not, a broken engagement is a lot of pain to work through.
Sounds like you have some support from friends which is great. You should talk with someone to help you sort through everything.
Hiya,
How are you doing? This is a really rough time, no easy solutions!
I relinquished my son 24 years ago, it was a closed adoption, not something I was happy with, but I was a bit coerced into it. We've been in reunion for 2 years now, it's been fantastic, but I ache for the years that we didn't have together.
That said, I would encourage you to look at ALL your options. I know it feels overwhelming and perhaps the wrong decision to parent, but I still think it's worth looking into just to see. At least then, if you do decide adoption is the way to go, you'll have some peace in knowing that you looked at parenting!
It's often said here, that adoption is a permanent solution to temporary circumstances. Boyfriends can change their minds, or come and go anyway. Family friends can move away, jobs can come and go. Anything can happen really! Both positive and negative.
Of course you can't think of every single thing!
Also bear in mind that open adoptions aren't legally binding in many places.
No matter what you decide, I urge you to be at peace with that decision. Many moms take their children home for some days or a week or whatever, before they make a final decision. There is no rush to make a final decision.
As to your family friend. I know nothing about legalities or legal implications with this kind of arrangement, but I just want you to think (and please forgive me if I'm overstepping the line here, I'm just going on what you've said and gut feeling, could be WAY offbase) about what your relationship with this man really is? Are you hoping for the potential of more than him just raising your child? I would imagine that would be a tricky situation if your feelings for him are just friendship, or his for you.
Just a thought.
Hang in there! Don't rush yourself. Listen to your HEART. Be at peace with what you finally decide. If you are unsure, you are not ready to make a decision.
Let us know how you're doing as well.
I know this sounds like a great plan now. Someone else takes care of and supports your child while you get to be involved. But I'm affraid that's not the way it will really work out. In order for someone to get custody of a child that's not the biological father, you have to relinquish your rights. Than you will have no legal say in what goes on in that child's life. Your friend may always let you, but sooner or later that will get old, especially if you two disagree on situations and issues. Also you need to think about the child. This could be really confusing for him/her and end up causing some real emotional or behavioral problems. If you're not ready to be a mother and you don't think you could financially and emotionally support this child than your best option would be to give up your baby for adoption to someone you choose. I'm not saying it will be easy, matter of fact it will probably be the hardest thing you will ever do, but it also tells your child that no matter how bad it hurts you, you thought of him/her first. There are so many couples out there that could give this child a loving, great, and stable home. Look into open adoptions. I have friends that have 2 different open adoptions and they love it. They take their kids birth moms on vacation with them and she comes to visit a couple times a year and stays at their house. She always comes at Christmas time. The kids don't know that she is birthmom yet, but they will eventually. I hope this helps you.
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Pastorswife
I know this sounds like a great plan now. Someone else takes care of and supports your child while you get to be involved. But I'm affraid that's not the way it will really work out. In order for someone to get custody of a child that's not the biological father, you have to relinquish your rights.
Pastorswife
Than you will have no legal say in what goes on in that child's life. Your friend may always let you, but sooner or later that will get old, especially if you two disagree on situations and issues. Also you need to think about the child. This could be really confusing for him/her and end up causing some real emotional or behavioral problems. If you're not ready to be a mother and you don't think you could financially and emotionally support this child than your best option would be to give up your baby for adoption to someone you choose.
There are plenty of children that have non-custodial parents. She would have legal say, she would be giving up physical custody with a limited guardianship, not legal custody.
Again I say, this would probably be confusing for the child. If you've been a parent at all, how would it make you feel if you're the one getting up in the middle of night with a sick child, your the one that has to be around when all of the temper tantrums happen and the testing of boundaries. Then someone else comes in and tells you how to deal with it and what to do. How easy would it be to be a parent and let someone else deal with all of the bad times while you get all of the good.
Pastorswife
Again I say, this would probably be confusing for the child. If you've been a parent at all, how would it make you feel if you're the one getting up in the middle of night with a sick child, your the one that has to be around when all of the temper tantrums happen and the testing of boundaries. Then someone else comes in and tells you how to deal with it and what to do. How easy would it be to be a parent and let someone else deal with all of the bad times while you get all of the good.
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Hello,
I'm so sorry to hear about how your fiance reacted to your news. From reading your post, it sounds like to want to be involved in your baby's life, but are intimidated by the prospect of parenting, let alone being a single parent. Did I read that right? And that is perfectly natural. I was 31 before I got to be a parent, and I was plenty conflicted even with my relatively stable life.
Please remember what the others have said, that if your friend adopts your baby it will legally become his baby. He may allow you to visit, but all the major decisions will be his. Would you be able to handle it if he make a decision you find objectionable? What if he decides to move away or get married? Could you really sit back and let him drive all the way? What if you have a falling out with your friend and he withholds your child from you? Even though you obviously trust him, your agreement would not be enforceable so he could, in theory, go back on his word for any reason.
Would your friend be willing to help as a "father figure" if you decide to keep the baby? Do you have any other support? I say this because you can have the baby, take him home and give it a try before making your final decision. If he wants to raise your baby, he should be just as willing 3-6 months down the road as now. And you will have had a chance to try out being a mom with some support but without giving away your rights.
I'm not trying to discourage you, but I think your feelings might change once the baby arrives and you realize that you can be a good mother. You are not being selfish by wanting to keep your baby. A good unbiased counsellor should be able to help you work through some of these issues. Please get counselling from someone not in the adoption industry.
Good luck and I know whatever you decide will be the right thing for you and the baby. :grouphug:
hello i wanted to tell you that im sorry to hear things are such a stress factor in your life. your getting closer to your little angel being here and the choice is actually up to you. now i wont sit here an tell you that keeping or giving your baby to a loveing couple is wrong or right because thats not something im here for . im here to tell you that no matter what you choose to do. will always be there. being a mom is hard at a young age but its wonderful. and being a mom who wants more then she can give her baby is a woman who can admitt she is scared and wants the best for her baby. now if your choice is because you dont want to be a single mom then i will say that many woman raise children alone an there children grow up fine an happy. i myself was a single mom for years and my children are happy wonderful respectful children. it was hard on me for a while i didnt think i can do it but i did . and me having another baby is something more scary since my last child. maybe the worst that i have ever felt in my last year. but im not much for faith but god will look over my child and me an keep me strong as i have always had to be. so do yourself something think really hard about what you want to do and always know you can change your mind in a second. bless you and the choice you have to make
It is always scary before the baby comes. if I were in your shoes, I would not do anything past getting my baby into the world. You might visit with an adoption agency to discuss alternative types of adoption, talk with social services about support for single moms, look at all your options. But in your shoes, I get the feeling that you are grappling with the normal fears of early pregnancy. This is a life altering event. My son is 41 years old and I have not seen him since he was born, but today I know that he is a happy, successful man with a wonderful family and good career. Words cannot express the joy it brings me to know that he has had such a wonderful life. I could never have given him what his adoptive parents gave him. We are not reunited, but I know about his life thru a mutual acquaintance and it is one of the great joys of my life. It was very difficult and frightening to be alone and young and pregnant. You find yourself grasping at straws. If you are going to give him away, just be very careful who you choose to raise him and give him/her the best chance you can. Each woman must make her own choice. Until you are sure, just concentrate on getting the baby into the world.
Ok, maybe I missed it, but what does the father say? The child's father has just as much claim on that child, legally, as you do. No adoption forms can be completed without his consent saying that he relinquishes his rights. This may seem simple but even men who say they don't want kids still refuse to sign these papers when it comes down to it. Guardianship sounds like a great idea and is not as complicated. Or you could maybe consider putting the family friend's name on the birth certificate?? That's a little tricky, though. I am in the same position you are, pregnant with the father out of the picture, so I know what you are going through. Just pleas consider that if you sign papers giving this man complete rights to your child, anything could happen. You have NO RIGHTS to the baby after this is done. So take a lot of time to think before doing so. Great relationships change. People change, or at least different aspects of their personalities come out. Custody of this child may alter your relationship in drastic ways. Also think about the turmoil you will be going through with after-birth hormones!! Just trying to bring things up for you to think about, I know it's a huge decision, one that is not easy by any means.
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I'm 5 weeks pregnant and the father just told me today that he is not responsible enough to be a father and that he doesn't love me, never did, and that we could still be friends. well, i have known him for many years we have had an on again off again relationship, he has a son that he said he wished I'D been the mother of, so now he springs this on me??? i do NOT want to raise the child of someone i love so much and deal with the emotions every-day when i look into our childs eyes and have to take his father to court for child support. I am crushed. but i took it like a champ and told him i won't bother him anymore (to which he replied that he didn't want me to stop bothering him??? HELLOO!) and told him i didn't want to hear it wasn't me, it was him ANYMORE. I am so hurt. and i already blabbed to EVERYONE that we were having a baby so now i have to deal with this let down. Why didn't he tell me this last year when we had a miscarriage???