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I am so mad right now and I just need to get it out. My son and I have had a very rocky but apparently typical reunion. We have been in reunion for a little under 2 years now. After he ceased all contact with me last October, we started taking baby steps again in March. We talked and talked on the phone, I was really honest with him about how he had hurt me, he apologized for the things he did (he is an addict, which obviously complicates things). We made promises to each other to never let anything come between us again, to make our relationship strong so it can withstand anything. We worked on our relationship before i started talking to his amom or he started talking to his brother and sister and my husband. We were very honest with each other, or so I thought. Well out of the blue he stopped calling me last week. We talk every day, it has been a little over a week now with absolutely no contact. Our last talk was a normal one, talking about our days-my work was a mess and I was talking to him about that-it was like a totally normal conversation. So I emailed his amom just to make sure he wasn't dead or something. I left him multiple messages with no response. His amom told me he was in detox for 4 days, but has been out for 4 days now and he "will call you he says he just needs to figure things out". The last time I was told this he cut off all contact with me for months. He has now disconnected his phone. I'm just curious what in the hell does he need to figure out? I have taken his abusive behavior, his threats, his lies, and never ever have I "cut him off" or treated him with anything other than love. I thought this time would be different, I was 100% honest with him-no drugs, treat me with respect, I am trying to be a good mom to you. He even told me he saw the change in me, that I was being a good mom and that I was the one he called when he needed to talk. He is in an abusive relationship (he is the abuser) and now according to his amom, they are back together. This woman is horrible, he is horrible to her and the two of them together is a terrible mix. I believe that he told me such a mixture of lies that he is trying to come up with some kind of game plan to cover his tracks. Doesn't he realize this is not a game? That I am a person who is trying to live her life the best way she can? Doesn't he realize there are birthmoms who deny their children the opportunity to know them? I have opened up my heart, my home, my very being to him because HE IS MY SON. But he only treats me as his mom when it is convenient for him. My other children would never do this, they would never change their phone number and not tell me. I feel so defeated. I know he will call me sometime but why does this have to be so hard? Is he punishing me for relinquishing him? He has told me that his brother and sister are so normal, so good, he says he wishes he wasn't so f-d up. But he is 28 YEARS OLD, he needs to grow up. I'm sorry, I'm just ranting but doesn't he know I have feelings too? This is not a game, this is my life. I love him beyond words but sometimes I just think it would have been easier if he never found me...:confused:
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Through all these rants, the one thing I have discovered is that I am simply angry. (I'm sure you guys all got that, way before I did.) I know my bdaughter is angry over her adoption, but so am I. None of it is fair and it sucks.... I guess what really frustrates me is that I had little control over it. Out of a whole bunch of bad choices, I chose the one that I thought was the lesser of all the evils. It wasn't easy then, and it's not easy now. I'm angry at my a-father, who made that so. I'm angry that our lives were pretty much separated. I'm angry that there are no "right" ways to handle any of it. And I'm angry that as a result, she is having such issues and I . And I'm angry that I can't make things better. I feel guilt for not feeling, I feel helpless when I watch her struggling emotionally. I wish she would just go and get help -- and I'm angry that I can't be what she needs me to be. I do think, though, that I have to be what my family needs me to be, because I am capable. So, I've finally resolved this in my own mind. I am not going to send the letter, and I'm not going to contact her with all of this. I'm going to let go and let God. There is a reason all of this is happening, and I may not see it now, but someday I hope I will. Perhaps it will be the thing that gets her to a professional who can help her.
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Through all these rants, the one thing I have discovered is that I am simply angry. (I'm sure you guys all got that, way before I did.) I know my bdaughter is angry over her adoption, but so am I. None of it is fair and it sucks.... I guess what really frustrates me is that I had little control over it. Out of a whole bunch of bad choices, I chose the one that I thought was the lesser of all the evils. It wasn't easy then, and it's not easy now. I'm angry at my a-father, who made that so. I'm angry that our lives were pretty much separated. I'm angry that there are no "right" ways to handle any of it. And I'm angry that as a result, she is having such issues and I am having such issues. I resent the fact that a process that was supposed to make this child have a wonderful left, has left her so confused and with such an identity crisis/loss of self-esteem. And I'm angry that I can't make things better, that she . I feel guilt for not feeling, I feel helpless when I watch her struggling emotionally. I wish she would just go and get help -- and I'm angry that I can't be what she needs me to be. I do think, though, that I have to be what my family needs me to be, because I am capable. So, I've finally resolved this in my own mind. I am not going to send the letter, and I'm not going to contact her with all of this. I'm going to let go and let God. There is a reason all of this is happening, and I may not see it now, but someday I hope I will. Perhaps it will be the thing that gets her to a professional who can help her.
Through all these rants, the one thing I have discovered is that I am simply angry. (I'm sure you guys all got that, way before I did.) I know my bdaughter is angry over her adoption, but so am I. None of it is fair and it sucks.... I guess what really frustrates me is that I had little control over it. Out of a whole bunch of bad choices, I chose the one that I thought was the lesser of all the evils. It wasn't easy then, and it's not easy now. I'm angry at my a-father, who made that so. I'm angry that our lives were pretty much separated. I'm angry that there are no "right" ways to handle any of it. And I'm angry that as a result, she is having such issues and I am having such issues. I resent the fact that a process that was supposed to make this child have a wonderful left, has left her so confused and with such an identity crisis/loss of self-esteem. And I'm angry that I can't make things better, that she can't make it better. I feel guilt for not feeling, I feel helpless when I watch her struggling emotionally. I wish she would just go and get help -- and I'm angry that I can't be what she needs me to be. I do think, though, that I have to be what my family needs me to be, because I am capable of all of that. I can't go on feeling guilty for wanting to be happy. We all have a divine right to do what is best for So, I've finally resolved this in my own mind. I am not going to send the letter, and I'm not going to contact her with all of this. I'm going to let go and let God. There is a reason all of this is happening, and I may not see it now, but someday I hope I will. Perhaps it will be the thing that gets her to a professional who can help her.
Through all these rants, the one thing I have discovered is that I am simply angry. (I'm sure you guys all got that, way before I did.) I know my bdaughter is angry over her adoption, but so am I. None of it is fair and it sucks.... I guess what really frustrates me is that I had little control over it. Out of a whole bunch of bad choices, I chose the one that I thought was the lesser of all the evils. It wasn't easy then, and it's not easy now. I'm angry at my a-father, who made that so. I'm angry that our lives were pretty much separated. I'm angry that there are no "right" ways to handle any of it. And I'm angry that as a result, she is having such issues and I am having such issues. I resent the fact that a process that was supposed to make this child have a wonderful left, has left her so confused and with such an identity crisis/loss of self-esteem. And I'm angry that I can't make things better, that she can't make it better. I feel guilt for not feeling, I feel helpless when I watch her struggling emotionally. I wish she would just go and get help -- and I'm angry that I can't be what she needs me to be. I do think, though, that I have to be what my family needs me to be, because I am capable of all of that. I can't go on feeling guilty for wanting to be happy. We all have a divine right to do what is So, I've finally resolved this in my own mind. I am not going to send the letter, and I'm not going to contact her with all of this. I'm going to let go and let God. There is a reason all of this is happening, and I may not see it now, but someday I hope I will. Perhaps it will be the thing that gets her to a professional who can help her.
Through all my rants, the one thing I have discovered is that I am simply angry. (I'm sure you guys all got that, way before I did.) I know my bdaughter is angry over her adoption, but so am I. None of it is fair and it sucks.... I guess what really frustrates me is that I had little control over it. Out of a whole bunch of bad choices, I chose the one that I thought was the lesser of all the evils. It wasn't easy then, and it's not easy now. I'm angry at my a-father, who made that so. I'm angry that our lives were pretty much separated. I'm angry that there are no "right" ways to handle any of it. And I'm angry that as a result, she is having such issues and I am having such issues. I resent the fact that a process that was supposed to make this child have a wonderful life, has left her so confused and with such an identity crisis/loss of self-esteem. And I'm angry that I can't make things better, that she can't make it better. I feel guilt for not feeling the "bond" or "love" that I'm supposed to feel, but I think I was robbed of it, and so was she. I feel helpless when I watch her struggling emotionally. I wish she would just go and get help -- and I'm angry that I can't be what she needs me to be. I'm frustrated that she doesn't see she needs help. I need to concentrate on the things in my life I can control, and the people that count on me for a daily dose of love and support. I have a responsibility to not let my past, ruin their present. I can't go on feeling guilty for wanting to be happy. We all have a divine right to do what is best for ourselves, although I think we have been trained to think otherwise. So, I've finally resolved this in my own mind. I am not going to send the letter, and I'm not going to contact her with any of this. In fact, I will not contact her at all. Instead, I'll say a quiet prayer that her Mom and family will continue to love her and encourage her to go and get help. I'm going to let go and let God.
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megsmile31
Through all my rants, the one thing I have discovered is that I am simply angry. (I'm sure you guys all got that, way before I did.) I know my bdaughter is angry over her adoption, but so am I. None of it is fair and it sucks.... I guess what really frustrates me is that I had little control over it. Out of a whole bunch of bad choices, I chose the one that I thought was the lesser of all the evils. It wasn't easy then, and it's not easy now..... .....So, I've finally resolved this in my own mind. I am not going to send the letter, and I'm not going to contact her with any of this. In fact, I will not contact her at all. Instead, I'll say a quiet prayer that her Mom and family will continue to love her and encourage her to go and get help. I'm going to let go and let God.
I went through the most immense heartache I have ever felt so that her life would be better. When do I have a right to free myself from the guilt and hurt...
Meg, you have always had the right to be free from the guilt and hurt.
... and why now does she have a right to come back and be so hurtful and critical of who I am?
She has never had the right to come back and be so hurtful and critical, for you giving her not only life, but a chance at a better life than what you could give her at 17.
Why is it expected that I will unconditionally love someone that I do not even know?
Maybe because "some" do, so all should? I don't know. I gave up my firstborn at the age of 15, actually went to court on my 16th birthday. Way back in the day when the only option was closed adoption. I too, went through the most immense heartache I have ever felt when my mom made that decision, so that daughter's life would be better than I/we could've EVER made it. When she found me, there was no "instant bond" - this was not the baby I cried and mourned over for all those years. This was a 17 yo young lady. I didn't know her, I mean, she did look a bit like me, but she didn't resemble at all the little baby I remembered. She and I sat on my bed, and read her adoption papers, and I could not comprehend that baby JL, was the same person as the young lady sitting next to me. I still can't, and she and I have a wonderful friendship today. But its a friendship, a close loving friendship, but a friendship. The "bonding" to me, comes from the sleepless nights walking the floor with your colicky baby, the first day of school jitters, kissing away the boo-boos, the tears at HS graduation (that you don't let him see), all those things that make a mother a "mom." We don't have all that inbetween stuff with the children we gave up that we do with the children we keep, so why should we feel the same way towards them??
Am I making sense to anyone???? Has anyone felt these things before?
I have felt exactly as you describe.
As I read through some of these postings, I just wish i could find someone who understands or has had a similar feeling and is willing to be honest about it -- even though it might not be the popular way to feel. I feel so guilty for being honest. Ugggg.....
Never feel guilty for your feelings or being honest about them. Feelings are just that.... feelings. You gave your daughter life, you allowed her to be placed with parents so that she could have a better life, you opened your home and your family to her when she came to you; you answered her questions, you tolerated an awful lot from her. You owe her nothing more. You owe your husband and children their mom and wife back. Most importantly, you owe it to yourself to be happy, and not to have to feel guilty.
Hugs, C
P.S. I, too, am glad you're not going to send the letter. ;)
Just be glad that he's taking steps to be better. It's a difficult struggle and when he has a better handle on his own situation maybe you can continue your relationship. Don't make it any harder for him than it is.
I know how much it hurts, but try to hold back for now and let him work on beating this. What we want is for our children to be well and happy, right? This is a step in that direction. He probably has enough shame and guilt and adoptive family stuff to deal with.
Wait and see. Sorry this is so hard...
RavenSong
LVM, I'm echoing Diane's advise. I know I've told you this several times in the past -- you really should attend some Al-Anon meetings.
If your son just went thru detox, I imagine he's not exactly thrilled with the idea of telling you that he had yet another relapse. It embarrasses him...
Be careful that you don't engage in a codependent relationship with him. When you look behind the addictions and/or alcoholism, you'll often find codependency issues.
I wouldn't push him for daily contact, not right now. It's going to be extremely difficult for him to just make it thru 24 hours without a drink or a drug. Hopefully, he'll be busy attending daily AA and/or NA meetings.
Hang in there. Loving an addict/alcoholic is really frustrating...it requires a LOT of patience.
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I totally understand you, my Bson contacted me 6 months ago, he is 26 came into my life with his eyes open, I feel I give him all my attention and get only a little back, he has my nature and looks so like my younger son its uncanny, it is such an emotional rollercoaster and I have not had that much support over the years, people tell you to forget the past and enjoy my time with him.
The thing is he has now met a girl nd seems to spend most of his time with her, I want him to be happy but at the same time I m left in limbo waiting to hear from him, which is usually me having to text him, I know it is hard for him but its even harder for me, I still carry the emotional scars of the adoption and missing the years of seing him growing up.
I feel like just running away just so I can be on my own to Get to grips with what is happening.
Dos anyone else get what im trying to say ?
bettycool
I totally understand you, my Bson contacted me 6 months ago, he is 26 came into my life with his eyes open, I feel I give him all my attention and get only a little back, he has my nature and looks so like my younger son its uncanny, it is such an emotional rollercoaster and I have not had that much support over the years, people tell you to forget the past and enjoy my time with him.
The thing is he has now met a girl nd seems to spend most of his time with her, I want him to be happy but at the same time I m left in limbo waiting to hear from him, which is usually me having to text him, I know it is hard for him but its even harder for me, I still carry the emotional scars of the adoption and missing the years of seing him growing up.
I feel like just running away just so I can be on my own to Get to grips with what is happening.
Dos anyone else get what im trying to say ?
You know, I started this thread a few months back, and my how things change over time. The thing I have realized about being a birth mom is that I will always be J's mom, no matter what happens we are forever connected. I have learned to set boundaries, I have learned to love him but realize that I was not the mom of his youth when he needed bandaids on his scraped knees or soup when he was sick. I am the mother who made him, we share common DNA, we share mannerisms and looks and a loving, complicated and very tenuous relationship. He is now in jail, hopefully learning from a very bad thing he did. He calls me but keeps it from his wife and his A family. He loves me and I love him but I will no longer allow him to drink or drug or use me for money. I love him because he is my son. We will always be in each other's life but he is not the constant that my other children are, he comes in and out of my life. Maybe it is because we both still have unresolved issues, maybe because it is too hard for him to see my 2 children, his half brother and half sister, who are normal, well adjusted, no drug problems, not the angry person he is. We are trying to find our way. It has been a long road, and we are not there yet. What I recommend to all of you birthmoms is to do what is best for YOU once you are in reunion. It is hard, but worth it. There are times you want to run but I personally feel like I would never run from my other children, so I don't run from J. I let him come to me, I don't press the relationship like I did in the beginning. I have accepted that I have a place in his life and that my relationship is with HIM, not his Amom,not his wife, but him. If he only wants me to have a relationship with him, I can accept that, not let it ruin or rule my life. This is a constantly evolving relationship but I have learned to not let it rule me. I wish healthy relationships with your birth children to all my birthmom sisters..
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LasVegasMom, thanks for the update! I really can relate to what you said and will apply your words of wisdom to my own situation, as now my son and I are communicating via email and I'm on the rollercoaster myself.
I'm sorry you and your son have been through so much but as Quantum says, it sounds as though you are handling things as best as you can. I can only imagine how hard it must be for your son in prison (and for you), but I hope that experience will be the catalyst for change and that he will eventually be in a healthier place.
Well, tonight I couldn't sleep. Probably part of that early menapause stuff.... uggg. I have not spoken with my bdaughter since my rants posted here, many months ago, and I did send her a letter, but I waited and calmed, so that I could write something that was not hurtful, but let her know why I needed a break. Life has resumed, and I feel a sense of peace. I cried as I read through some of my words, but I can't apologize for them, as they are what I felt. I am glad that she found me, and that I know. I am also glad that we were able to separate ourselves and go on with our lives. I think this was probably best for both of us. Adoption is a wound and a gift. The wound never really heals. The gift is a gift of life. Neither can ever fully understand the other. As much as I have gone through much pain, I appreciate the struggle, for it has made me a better, stronger person. I hope the same for my bdaughter. Thank you all for reading, listening.... sometimes you just need to let it all out. Honestly and openly. It's amazing what time can do. :grouphug: megsmile