A truce?

Like I said...I can't please everyone.:)The Downs thread was deleted b/c we found out the OP has participated on several other forums/sites with the same story over a period of time. I'll let you infer from that. Typically we aren't going to announce why someone is banned or a thread is deleted because we run the risk of all the complaints and whatnot from those crying about privacy and being slandered. It's a catch 22 and it's helpful to remember that if a thread is deleted and a member banned, that we had a very valid reason to do so. Just because you WANT to know, doesn't mean it'll happen. Some things are just not anyone's business.As far as the site being heavily moderated. Funny, I get pm's all the time saying "I'm being attacked and you aren't doing anything about it! Your site sucks and I'm leaving!" Again...can't please everyone and all I can do is try to follow the rules set forth by the site.We DO allow debate and dissent. We DON'T allow personal attacks. We also don't see the point in a 20394245 page thread with the same people arguing the same dang "my point is more important than your point" over and over and over again. Our moderators are volunteers...tell me why the heck they should have to monitor a thread where we KNOW is not going anywhere? It's pointless. This isn't a free speech site and it's a family friendly site as well. So do keep that in mind regarding some rules, like the no cussing rule. While we do our best to allow all that we can, we do have rules and we do have to enforce them. As for the B & M auto abbreviation. That was in direct response to many many bmoms here who were tired of being referred to as a bowel movement. The initials are used far more frequently to discuss bmoms than they are for bowel movements. Hope that answers most of the questions. I don't typically give reasons for banning etc. but felt this would help explain any future ones you might see. Mostly I started this thread because I'm really tired of seeing the contest of pain between members.

I understand and now I feel like a jerk. I appreciate the work you and the other moderators do to protect us here. It's just that I can't control that darn curiosity! Sometimes on a controversial thread, like the one in question, it helps to have a note on the thread stating that it's not because of the content, but because there is a suspicion about about a particular poster. Having said that, I understand that there is no way that you can keep everyone happy with such a diverse crowd.... Though, in the "world of it's always about ME," I always hope that I'M the one that's happy at the end of the day! Thanks for letting me post and for responding. I know I broke the rules by mentioning a closed thread.

Keep in mind with the bmom 'debacle' the folks using the abbreviation had absolutely no idea that the abbreviation had multiple meanings. I found humor in the completely crossed lines of communication, the defensiveness, the pettiness, the complete lack of openness and the thinness of the skins. I found your reply, dpen6, amusing for the same reasons. Calling me an apap doesn't bother me at all. Life is SHORT. People have far more similarities than differences, if we spent more time getting to know each other instead of getting defensive over pettiness, the world would be a better place. Call me whatever abbreviation floats your boat, I'm ok with that. I have bigger stresses in my life than silly things like abbreviations used. A thick skin, tolerance, open mind, communication, forgiveness, and a sense of humor can go a long way. There's not a whole lot of that here. I still drop in and read, because occasionally someone will bring up a point I hadn't considered, or there's some perspective or question on teen adoptions that makes me think, but I really wish there was a non- to minimally moderated forum where people could argue ad nauseam if they wanted to (again, assuming people aren't personal attacking). I can honestly say I've learned far more from the folks on here that differ from my opinions than those who agree with me. I may not change my opinion, but that doesn't mean I don't learn from the other perspective.

Crick I found out that I'd inadvertently insulted the Mods when I posted to the thread puller. Sorry about that. It was never my intention to bring insult down on the Mods here. You and the others have a hard job and I appreciate that fact.

Not sure what you mean Janey...but thanks.:)Paige...let me know at the end of today then what the result is...;) Pereg - I agree with you to a point actually. I think there are some that get too caught up in the labels and terms and what not. But you know what? It doesn't matter what I think when it comes to that really. Somewhere inside someone it does bother them and I don't think it's asking too much to respect the differences. I think too there's just having manners. No one likes their feelings belittled and it's really not necessary. If something amuses you (trust me, there is something here that amuses EVERYONE) then maybe just have the common human courtesy to have that chuckle to yourself and let it go?

Crick, you might want to come up with a list of acceptable emotions :-) Hypersensitivity due to unwitting use of an abbreviation is acceptable, amusement over the crossed lines of communication and ensuing verbal carnage is not. Defensiveness is ok, ironic wit is not. In the end all you get is over-sterilization. People are colorful creatures, but when only a very narrow spectrum of viewpoints in a very narrow manner of relaying them is allowed, you lose so much of the beauty in people. One person on here, a few months ago, completely went off on me when she misread my post. A few others defended me, I just let it go. Several weeks later, that same person and I were exchanging PMs and she thanked me for really 'getting' her and letting her vent and encouraging her. I'm not even sure she remembers that I was the person that she told she was never going to read a single post from again (probably not). We all (including me) need to remind ourselves sometimes that behind the typed words, there is a human being doing the best they can with what they have. Censorship and sterlization of posts will not encourage that... focusing on the humanity and commonalities in each other will. Even goofballs like me that like to stir the pot just to see what happens in the attempt to get people to think outside the box have good hearts.

Not sure where your narrow viewpoint is being censored, but if there's an issue of sterilization on yourself and you feel it's unwarranted and you were following the site rules you agreed to, then please know you can always pm me.:)

Nope, I haven't been sterilized (my husband got snipped, does that count? :-). Just some posts and threads that have been poofed into 'net oblivion over the time I've been on here. I even disagreed with the majority of the posters that I've seen censored in threads, but still think that in the absense of personal attacks their opinions are just as valid as mine. I don't even have any feelings either way in the abbreviation thread, I never used the abbrev in question as I do work in the med field, nor did I participate in that thread, only read it. This is by far the most heavily moderated forum I've ever been on (my others are skydiving and eye/medical related), just takes quite a bit of getting used to.... and I do know that's my problem, not yours.

Alright - this is getting out of hand. I will point you to the Forum Rules everyone agreed to when they joined:Adoption.com reserves the right to edit, delete or otherwise moderate any postings made to its community of sites without warning or explanation. Members who require excessive moderation or whose participation results in excessive moderation may be banned.We are not now nor will we ever disclose reasons for deleting a thread. It's not going to happen. It's in the Rules. You agreed with those rules when you joined. You don't have to like them, you just have to follow them. If that makes you uncomfortable or you’re unhappy with the way that the forums are moderated, you’re welcome to find an alternative venue for your support.I also want to point out this:Treatment of Moderators & Administrators: Any form of moderator or administrator harassment, including insults, personal attacks and character assassination done either in public or via private message can result in a ban of your account. If you disagree with actions taken by the moderating team, the proper procedure for voicing that disagreement is via Private Message or Email. For privacy reasons we can not and will not discuss the reason someone else's account was banned, either in public or in private. Moderating decisions are made based on a number of factors, and the action that resulted in the moderating decision is often no longer available for public view. It is inappropriate for users to create threads denouncing the actions of the moderating team and doing so will result in further moderator action, up to and including account banning.While it's true, this thread wasn't created to bash those who selflessly and freely provide their time and effort to keep these forums safe - it has turned into that and I'm just not going to have it. Sorry.Adoption is a VERY emotionally charged topic - it would stand to reason, people involved in very emotionally charged discussions will often require a bit more attention from moderators than those that are discussing the local DZ. The moderation bashing stops. Future posts denouncing the actions of moderators and the moderation of the forums will be deleted and the account banned. That's more warning than I'm required to give - but I'm giving it in hopes of getting this VERY important thread back on track.

Hey, I don't care that you found my post amusing and your right life is to short sooo.......take the higher road and if someones tells you or anyone else for thatmatter that a certian abbreviation, word bothers them stop using it, don't try to defend it, and don't say it makes you laugh, don't say your cousin does't mind it why do you? Just say sorry and move on..that is the most respectful, that is the most mature and that is what can keep threads on topic. If the word does't pertain to you why the comments about something that does't pertain to you. I am not a bmom but won't use those abbreviation, won'yt question why its bad and won't laugh because the site is being respectful Why can't you and anyone just get that? I find it amusing that you can't

Crick could you clarify? By limiting access, do you mean limiting access on a group basis- as in adoptees have limited access to birth or adoptive parent forms, or vice versa?Or are you speaking on a personal, case by case basis- as in a particular member who has been known to cause trouble say, on the adoptive parent forum, will have limited access to said forum?I'm not really sure how either could be enforced, and there are plenty of members who represent more than one section of the "traid."As you can see I'm a bit confused. Please help me understand :D!

Amanda -- I'm pretty sure Crick is talking about a case-by-case basis. All of the different forum software, whether vBulletin, phpbb, phpnuke, or any of the other ones, allow moderators and administrators to restrict the permission levels of individual users.Let's say that I continually broke the rules on the "Considering Your Options" subforum. Well, a mod or an admin could finally get sick of editing my posts on that particular forum and decide not to deal with it anymore. If they didn't want to do an outright ban on me from the entire site, they could limit my access to just that subforum. I could either be prevented from posting on it, or I might not be able to even view it at all.I think Brandy and Crick have both said many times before that the forums and subforums will always remain open to all sides of the triad. That's why I think they're talking about restricting access to individual users.

Wow! I was not aware of this! I agree Raven.. you're explanation makes a lot of sense. Thanks :D

I for one appreciate having moderators...some threads need to go away, (of course I never get to have the last word then, but oh well I won't remember the next day anyway...). But it keeps people from being really hurt by something and that IS a good thing. I especially like to be able to PM a mod and ask a question about a link or something BEFORE I post. I always get an answer quickly and it works for me. Cheers!Dickons

Amanda - Raven has it right...it would be a case by case and instead of a ban from the entire site, we would just "ban" that person from a specific forum.