File in question

I also read that book. It's a great book! Lots of information that helped me understand a lot of what I went through in the unwed mother's home before giving birth to my daughter. The thing about your mom's file and getting information. I believe she is entitled to all the information about herself. Not about her son. She IS entitled to "non-identifying" information. She can get that through the court files. I got the non-id of my daughter and her adoptive family. But all it listed was the type work the adoptive mom and dad were in. How many other children they had. Their nationality etc. I wasn't able to get any information about my daughter at all in that non-id stuff. Just the adoptive family and their stuff. When my daughter and I met, we went to the agency and demanded EVERYTHING in our file and threatened if they didn't give it to us we'd sue them. They sent it within a week! It included the original and altered Birth Certifictates, letters and pictures I sent for them to give the adoptive parents or at least to give her when she came to find me if she did. She did try when she was 18 but we didn't meet until she was 21. Nothing was given to her until we met. I think (but I'm not sure) after you are in reunion, you have the right to all of whatever the agency has. Reason is because you've met and there's no more need for anonymous things. At least that's what I think. I don't know about the courts themselves. I just know we got everything because we threatened to sue them if they didn't when they refused to give us what was in the file. Years ago I was told everything was put on microfilm and any physical items that was in the file (pictures, gifts etc) was thrown away and only a photo of those things on mircofilm was available. But I couldn't have any of it while my daughter and I still didn't know each other. But the thing is, what they sent me was ORIGINAL items I'd had in the file and not "copies" from a microfilm. It really angered me that they lied to me like they did. But I'd look into it where you are. Tell your mom not to give up on getting any and all information she can. Rylee

I don't know about Catholic Charities (there is a section devoted to them in the Search and Reunion forum that may help) but my agency will provide non-id to all members of the triad, for a fee of course. Mine was several pages long, with most of the identifying info whited out. (they missed a spot :) ) Since reunion has happened, I would think you could get all of it.

Annierose, No answer for your question but you can discuss the book on the forum. If you have any concerns you can pm a moderator for clarification and they respond very quickly. The Girls Who Went Away was such an eye opener for me. I found that what I remember of the era through the eyes of a child is not anything close to the reality of the era for adults. I am like your brother and was not placed immediately although my birth family was told I would be...secrets and lies and people wonder why the truth is so important to adoptees. Kind regards,Dickons

Rylee... did you actually get all the paperwork? The signed relinquishment papers, etc? We used the same social service agency, and had the same caseworker (ugh). After I was reunited with my son, my husband and I went to the agency and I asked for my "file." I was told that they would have someone call me. I didn't appreciate that very much because it was a four-hour trip to get there. But, a man from the agency did call....he said he would send forms for me to fill out, that I needed to send them a check for $50, and they would send me my non-identifying information. I told him I didn't need that, we were already reunited. What I wanted was MY FILE. Paperwork that had MY SIGNATURE on it. He had a really hard time with that. He lead me to believe that it would be impossible for me to have that. I also wanted to read my case notes. I understand that those notes don't belong to me, but I think I should have the right to at least READ them. What all did you get with your paperwork? I never went to court, so I didn't end up with any court paperwork...I guess the case worker "took care of" that piece of it... Peace, Susan

When I contacted Catholic Charities,I told them that my state file was already opened per order of a judge. After heming and hawing they said that my case was to old and that they did not have the records.....not sure I beleive them. When I contacted Salvation Army I had my records in a few weeks...the actual hospital records and all indenifing info on myself and my bmom. I really think it all depends on the person or agency you are comminciating with. ?There is some very subtle prejudgment on who desrves what for information.....I had the legal information pertaining to opening up my records and I

I just had a huge dealing with the Catholic Charities. I am an adoptee, and I was searching for my birthsister who was also placed for adoption. So it was an adoptee searching for an adoptee. There is a LOT of red tape , and in the end both my sister and I had to send in a lot of information to know eachother. We then each had to undergo a pysch eval, and the summary had to be sent to the Catholic Charities. My sister and I , while we were waiting for the legal aspect, exchanged "non-identifying letters" and in my sisters letter enough information was left and I was able to find her on facebook. It was a long process, but it was free &and the social worker helped us out any way she could. There definitely IS a bias. Please remember that this agency is run by the Catholic Church- and therefore upholds all the teachings, beliefs, and "bias" of the Vatican. I am a devout Catholic myself, so I mean no offense in saying this, but I would wager to say that they are more open to helping adoptees than to helping birthparents or birthfamilies ( in regards to reunion.) I can't say for sure- but this is the impression I got from speaking to the social workers at the Charity I worked with, and from reading their website, etc. I would nudge them until they give you ALL the information YOU and your mother deserve. Perhaps they are doing everything they can under your state's laws, but then again they may not be.

At the risk of going into a rant here, I'm just going to add one more thing. My friend (adoptee) also in the midst of reunion, was sent a ton of information on coping, preparing, dealing with issues and feelings about reunion, by the adoption agency. She has found it very helpful, and I am thankful they sent it to her, she shares info with me, and helps me, and I help her from a bfams point. Here is the thing. Upon reunion, we used the agency for conformation, as did my adoptee sibling. I'm sure he's gotton a ton of counciling referrals and info as well. I am grateful for this, I can't imagine what this is like for him. But...that being said, my mother and I hav'nt recieved one **** thing from them. I have researched books to read, many of you have reffered me to some great books, and I thank you all, but I guess I am feeling a little shafted here. We had no preperation, I had no idea this would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I am beside myself with just plain anger. I am feeling like being a member of a bfam is like being a second class citizen. Now I know how my mother felt all those years ago. She told me her story, and I was floored. I know, it's a small thing, I'm sure I'm overreacting, but WTH? Don't they know that bfams and bmoms are people too? Do we not deserve the same respect and consideration as all in the triad? I hope the rest of you have gotton more help than me, I know what is is now to be blindsided by all of the emotions of reunion, but it is to the thanks of all in this forum that help me understand and get by.

I also think that adoptees are treated like second class citizens as well, I cannot imagine my medical information, heritage, and other valuable details being kept from me. This is just my venting on the agency, not a who is treated worse comparison. Apolgies to any offended.

This is a tough one. I will word my response as carefully and articulately as I can. These laws, these hoops we have to jump through in order to know each other, this secrecy, and all the bullcrap that we have to deal with- is all a part of the adoption industry. It shouldn't be. It is wrong. It is flawed, and it is ridiculous. It certainly is angering.I spent MONTHS trying to get in touch with my birthsister. She and I were both placed for adoption. I have 8 siblings in total.Because of my birthmothers choice to place her children for adoption- I missed out on growing up with said sister for my whole life. Because my birthmother placed my sister and me- I had to go through every legal and personal step imaginable to get to know her. I had to wait. I had to get therapy to prove that I was emotionally stable.You and I are essentially in the same boat. Because of someone else's decision- we didn't grow up with the siblings we have come to care about. But you know what? This is the world we've been thrust into. This is the ugly side of the adoption industry.I grew up without my full identity. I grew up without my biological family, without my roots from the past, without my genealogical and familial history. After decades of living with this- I went to the agency, to the Catholic Charities, and to the lawyers and requested to know information about myself. I had to work just as hard as anyone else in the triad. And yeah, they gave me a few lousy pamphlets. I read them, they prepared me a little bit, and then I waited months. Then I dealt with all the emotions. Then I dealt with everyone elses emotions!You grew up with your identity. You grew up in your biological family, with your roots from the past. You grew up with your genealogical and familial history. When you requested to know your brother, you had to work just as hard as I did. You had to wait. You had to deal with your emotions, just like I did.It's not easy for any of us. You got to grow up without being adopted, and I got a few pamphlets to help me cope with the knowledge that I was.The little pamphlets and books I read did precious little to prepare me to deal with the reality that my parents, the law, and the adoption industry had shielded me from for years. You're not missing much. It seems unfair. It is unfair. But nothing about this is fair. We make our choices and then we deal with them- we make our choices and then we live with them. That is the reality for every person on this earth.But in the adoption world, we deal with and we live with OTHER people's choices.We all share in your frustration- and you can always vent about it here to us.

Annierose, I have to kind of disagree with you to a point about the way you're treated as an adoptee and as to the way that birthfamilies are treated. I wasn't offended by what you said, I just wanted to let you know at least one person's situation. At least in my experience. I could be TOTALLY wrong but I want to tell you a story about my experiences with the treatements. Before I met my daughter I was looking up information in the library and trying to find out how to search etc. When I went into a library as a "birthmother" I was told, "You shouldn't look for her. Let her find you. You will probably disrupt her life and make her adoptive parents upset. You don't want to do that." I was treated with such disrespect and felt like a criminal for even thinking about trying to find my daughter. It was horrible. Well, one time I went into a library that I hadn't been before and asked about books on adoption. The librarian looked at me and said, "Are you looking for your birth mother?" Without thinking too hard about the answer (because I didn't want her to know I was a birthmother so I could avoid being treated like crap again) I said, "Yes. I'm looking for my birthmother." You would not believe the response I got. She was so willing to help me and telling me how wonderful it was that I was looking and wished me luck. She pointed me to all kinds of books on how to search and what to do and everything. She treated me like I was someone extrememly special and that my looking for my birthmother was wonderful. It was such a differerent reaction I got from when they knew I was a birth mom. I was shocked. In a way though, it kind of gave me a little bit of hope in my daughter and what she would go through if she were to look for me. I figured if she was going to get that kind of response and people would go out of their way to help her then if she wanted to find me she would have the encouragement rather than the rude and disrespectful treatement I'd gotten. The thing about that though is people who would react like that (IMO) are not thinking about the birth mother and how she might feel if she's never told anyone she was pregnant or ever gave a child up for adoption. That could really mess things up for her. BUT it could also help her get past it to meet her child. The reactions could be good or bad but people who act like we birth mothers are criminals for looking for a child we lost but "way to go" for the adoptees looking for the mother they lost should think before they react. I'm not saying no one should encourage a search, I'm just saying the reactions and the way people feel towards whichever side should think about the person they are talking with. If the birth mother is searching for her child she should be encouraged too and people shouldn't always be talking about the child and how they might feel for them to suddenly come into their lives. I doubt 100% that it has anything to do with the child but more to do with how the adoptive parents might feel having the birth mother coming into the child's life. I think it's more about that then what the child will think. JMO. Rylee

Rylee-Just so you know Annierose is not an adoptee. She is the birthsibling of an adoptee (her mother placed a child before she was born.)I'm sorry the librarian treated you that way. What a witch. Like it's anyone else's goshdarn business who you are and who you're searching for. It's your business and your birthchild's business.That's it. I love my parents..but I don't even think it's THEIR business whom I search for. At least not directly.I hope you gave that feeble minded jerk a piece of your mind.

Rylee, It all depends on who you are talking to. I have been told many times that I need to respect bmoms "privacy" as if I am something that will ruin a person life for existing..so the ignorance is all around.

I guess it's different for everyone. My situation is unique to itself as is everyone elses. I am a birth sibling, but I was born first. My mother was pressured into relinquishment by her mother, who was physically abusive to me as an infant, my father, and a social worker telling her if she did'nt give him up, she would eventually lose both of us to foster care because she did not have the means to financially support us both, and my grandmother would not let all three of us live in her home. She made a tough decision as a 17 year old girl. I know it was her decision, she does take responsibilty for it and she has a tremendous amount of remorse. I get angry with her that she did this to us. Yes...she probably could have gone on welfare, and lived in a bad area on the city bus route, but she did what she thought was best for him at the time. I could have never protected him from the abuse, I was two when he was born. My mother worked all the time to save money so we could get our own place and my grandmother babysat me. She is the only parent I know, and and it has always been us against the world so my anger subsides and I forgive her, although I wonder if she will ever forgive herself. I personally have a tremendous amount of guilt for being kept while he was being placed. I guess I'm just upset at the social workers and their attitudes towards both adoptees and bmoms, but I only have expierienced the bfam side. I'm not angry that he got some liturature, I am thankful, I'm angry that we were not extended the same courtesy. I also understand the way Rylee is feeling, we have also expierienced some of the same close mindedness from people. Maybe that is why I am so sensative to it now over what seems the smallest thing. I am glad to know I am not alone, and I am sorry to all who have been treated poorly. I do not belittle anyones pain and struggle, we ALL deserve to be treated with dignity. My friend who is also in reunion (adoptee) is forced to write her bmother through the agency and not directly as she is still being kept a secret on the part of her bmother. She is in a tremendous amount of pain over this and I cannot imagine how she feels.

Annierose, I can't even imagine what your mom is going through or you either for that matter about your brother being given up after you were born. I would imagine it would be so painful and a lot of guilt involved for your mom. I hope that she will be able to have a relationship with your brother eventually. I hope you know I wasn't getting down on you or anything like that. I was just telling you of my experience with it all these years. That one situation is just one of many I dealt with but the one that stuck with me the hardest. Mainely because when they thought I was an adoptee I was cool and when I wasn't I was scum. Until that particular experience I never realized there was a difference in the way people were treated in the triad. The question about if I told the witch what I thought, no I didn't. I just walked away and cried. I didn't like and still don't like the idea of anyone SEEING me cry. I just walk away and deal with it by myself. But the time when they thought I was an adoptee I didn't cry but it gave me a LOT to think about. After hearing a few things today about adoptees and being told what they are being told, I guess no one is left alone to be happy in a search. The other thing I had seen is the adoptive parents being put on pedestals. I never realized until I came to this forum that adoptive parents had other types of ridicule and bad treatment and hurt feelings. I just never knew until this group and my reading a lot of things about feelings and treatments etc. I just don't understand the reasons ANYONE needs to be butt in and make you feel bad no matter what part of the triad you belong. You know? Everyone has their reasons to search or not, hide or not, accept a reunion or not. I just wish everyone would work together rather than all the fighting and jealousy and stuff. AND I wish people who didn't have a CLUE as to any of the triad and what they are dealing with emotionally or any other thing they are dealing with would just shut the heck up and leave us all alone unless they are going to say something nice, possitive, or encouraging. It would make the world a whole lot better place for us all. At least I think it would. Rylee

Just a quick update. I finally got a hold of the lady at the agency, and she said that since everyone knows everyone's identity, and we have all filled out forms months ago, that my mother is indeed entitled to her file and for a small fee, she would send a copy of it along with the origenal birth certificate. What? that is beyond my expectations. Of course we will give him his B.C. but I can't believe that they are sending it to us (copy of course) I guess due to my 14 years of fighting with them I just assumed the worst. It still confirms my belief in reform though. It should never have been this hard all these years, but I am taking a small win and moving forward.