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I haven't been ready to come and post of the forum until today. It's not at all easy for me to look back at my life while I was pregnant with, thinking about adoption or keeping my baby.
I got pregnant at the age of 19, most of my life was completed (as in my party days). I was finishing up with college, moving back in with my parents the moment I found out I was pregnant. That night my parents and I discussed the many routes to take. Abortion was out of the picture because I was way past that point. So it led to me either putting him up for adoption or keeping him. My parents continued to support the decision for adoption. They didn't think it was right for me to keep him because everything is so much money, and I had already taken time off of work because of bed rest. During this time my parents thought it would be nice if I met someone who could help me through this time, I met my now fiancee, he helped a lot during the pregnancy. I really thought of him as the baby's father and he agreed to being called that. But he never once said " Caroline it's okay for you to keep your baby". No one ever did. :hissy:
I found the "perfect" adoptive parents. I had my son a little before Father's Day and my mother had called the adoptive father and told him. They jumped on a plan and before I knew it they were here. I went down everyday to see my son in the NICU, sometimes just sleeping with him on my chest. I changed diapers and gave him baths. I really couldn't go through it, I loved this baby more than anything I've ever loved. :love:
I was released from the hospital, strung out on drugs ( the legal kind). It sorta masked the pain of what I was about to do, sign over my parental rights. My father was there and it just made matters worse. I was a hot mess.
Later on my heartbreak manifested itself into OCD and fibromyalgia pain. I was in constant pain and constantly trying to do things to get my son out of my mind. I closed myself on vicodin. I've been going talking to people, but I haven't found any birth mothers who want to speak about their experiences. I hated going out and seeing pregnant women, women who get to keep their babies. I'm getting better at it, my friend from highschool is pregnant and there is a whole story there but she's keeping her baby. My fiancee's cousin is pregnant and I am not as happy for them as I should be.
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I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I wish I could do more than give you my support and pray you'll be ok. It's a hard road to lose your baby.
I lost my baby 33 years ago and even though we've been in reunion for almost 13 years, it still hurts and it's still hard.
You said you've talked to people but haven't found birth mothers willing to talk about their situation. If you've looked around on this site you know that isn't the case here. You'll read a lot of stories and learn a lot about others and what we've been through here.
Everyone's story is different and yet we all share a common bond in the fact that we all have a story to tell about the adoption and we all need support and not critisism.
I hope you'll keep coming back here and be part of our group and feel comfortable here.
Rylee