Open letter to my birthson

I am a writer at heart, and I wrote this open letter to my birthson. I know I will never send it to him, maybe an edited version, but this is the most I have ever poured my heart out, the good, bad, and ugly. I hope it helps any other birthparents in the rollercoaster reunion process-and of course I'm open to your comments. Sorry-but it's kind of long. Dear Son, I need to write you this letter even if you will never see it. I need to clear my head and writing is the best way I know how to do it. I wish things turned out differently with us, I wish that we found each other sooner, that we understood each other better. I thought that you finding me was the missing piece to my life, that I could live the life I had always wanted, with you a part of it. I felt an instant connection to you the minute we reconnected, after 27 years apart. I opened my heart and my home to you. I told you stories about me and your father, about how you were conceived out of love, about how your father was one of the 3 loves of my life. I told you stories of my family, your family, about my mother-your grandmother, my father-your grandfather, about your sister and brother and stories about me. I didn’t sugarcoat, I told you the good, the bad, and the ugly. You filled me in on your life, how you were raised, about your parents, about your childhood, your teen years, your adulthood. You did not have a terrible life, you have parents and sisters who love you very much. You have definitely had your challenges in this life, but you have had the support of a loving family to help you through. You told me you loved me 1 hour into our first talk, you called me mom that very first day. I never thought the connection would be so immediate and instant and strong. You literally melted my heart with that very first phone call. You were immediately welcomed and loved by your sister and brother-who had absolutely no knowledge of you, and by your stepfather, who always knew about you. The relationship we forged was so intense in those early days that it literally made my head spin. We have had many missteps in our journey together, I have made mistakes, you have made mistakes, we have made mistakes together. Regardless, this last time I really tried to regroup and do things right. I tried to be a mom to you in some form, not your mother because your mother is the woman who raised you, but your mom, a confidant, an advisor, a shoulder to cry on, an ear that will listen, a friend. I tried to lay the groundwork for a successful relationship with you, let you know my boundaries. You were always pushing me, but I wanted you to understand where I wanted our relationship to go, that you are my son whom I love with all my heart. With you it has always been all or nothing so we went from no contact for a few months to talking every day again. So where are we now? Well you have once more cut off all contact with me. I don’t understand it, I don’t like it, and it makes me question every single minute of our reunion. It makes me question if you ever meant one thing you said to me, if you every really loved me, if you were just using me for what I don’t know. I feel used, I feel confused, I feel upset and hurt. I know you have big issues you have been dealing with, your alcohol abuse, your court issues, not seeing your kids, being apart from M which apparently was hurting you more than you let on. I wish you could have been real and honest with me, told me these things, let me really in your life. After I had you, I went on to become very successful, married my soul mate, have raised two wonderful, well adjusted, normal children-your brother and sister. In the almost two years we have been in reunion, I almost divorced my husband, ignored your brother and sister, and have lost 1 job specifically because of you. I have changed, and I’m still trying to figure myself out at 46 years old. You finding me turned my world on it’s head but still I don’t regret you finding me. I do regret that I changed who I was to suit you, to make you happy, instead of having you fit into my life, I tried to change my life to fit yours. I see the mistakes I made now, I see the way it has changed me, I won’t let that happen ever again. Yes, I had a hole in my heart that was missing because I relinquished you. However, I learned to live with that hole, with that ache, in my heart and in my life. You have brought me so much pain, so much heartache, I sometimes wonder if it would have been better if you never found me. I sometimes wish I didn’t love you so much, that I could have just told you, thanks for finding me but this is too hard, too much, we need to live our lives as we have been but I am too emotional and love you and loved your father way too much to ever turn you away. I wish you weren’t an alcoholic, or a drug addict, or a borderline sociopath. I wish you loved me unconditionally. I look at you, and it is literally like looking in the mirror we look so much alike. However I could never treat you the way you have treated me. You once told me you loved me and hated me, you told me you wished your father and I never had sex, you told me you wished I had an abortion. You were drunk out of your mind so in this instance, I do believe you were telling me the truth-one of the only times you have told me the truth. So here we are, in each others’ lives but not in each others’ lives-in an emotional limbo once again. I have gotten used to these times when you cut me out, unfortunately, and I am not as crazy as I once was when this happened before. However I still ask myself-why? Why do you do this to me, to you, to our family? Where you expecting more, or is it too much and you need to run away from me? Do you hate me? Do you still not forgive me for your adoption? Did you expect someone different? Can we recover and learn to have a good, positive relationship for years to come? So many unanswered questions, but I do know this, you are my son, I am your mom, and regardless of all this, I will be here for you if you ever decide to contact me again. Love, mom