Post Reunion - Lessons Learned?

As usual, Raven summed it up best. Let your daughter be your guide as far as what information to share, and of course what you are comfortable with. I would suggest reading as much as you can, getting support OUTSIDE of your family, and also making sure you have family support as well. You will experience emotions you will not be prepared for but just go with them, it is part of the process. Your reunion will have many ups and downs, be prepared for them, but enjoy it-you will be reuinited with your daughter and that is a beautiful thing! Keep us posted and good luck.

WOW...what a lot to consider. Thank you for your suggestions!!! I really appreciate it. My family and friends are wonderful, but I think sometimes you just need to touch base with those who've been through the same thing. Did anyone bring a gift or token to the reunion with you? I have saved all the profiles I read through in searching for the right family for her, I thought I'd give those to her at some point. I also have the 'scrubs' top my mom wore when she was with me in the delivery room. The nurses put her footprints on the pocket after they did her birth certificate. Are these okay to give at the first meeting or is that too much?

I don't think those tokens are to much at all...in fact I think they are kinda cool! Adoptees from the closed era will often say they feel likethey fell from the sky.....and that thats pretty much what most peole wanted us to think. To have memento's of our birth andthat we areally are "real."... is a good thing. Thank you for thinking of how your placed child will feel...I know it can be hard as you get into the whole experiance.

I would love tokens! My bmom passed away before I found her. But I do have copies of my hospital records and on the day I received them, I finally felt "real". I have read them over and over again. In them I also found that my bmom had actually seen me and held me. And that was so important to me. I am reunited with my 8 birth siblings. I was so nervous before we met that I didn't eat! I don't recommend that as I almost passed out! My brothers picked me up and hugged me! But they weren't overwhelming - even though there were so many of them. We looked at photo albums for hours. Theirs and mine. It was so much fun. And then they had planned a tour of the city and other things to do. So I sat back and watched them interact. They included me too. And I felt like "one of them". I declined an offer to stay at one of their homes. I knew I would need some time to myself to take it all in. I can't think of anything that I would change other than of course having my bmom there. As for being nervous and all of the other emotions. So normal. I tried to keep so busy beforehand that I didn't have time to think or panic. Best wishes to you! Snuffie

Just an update...The reunion took place recently and I feel so blessed and fortunate that it went so well. My daughter has grown into a sweet, loving, intelligent & beautiful young woman. I adore her adoptive mother, and was glad to see what a strong relationship the two have forged. I was able to introduce M to some of the extended family, and everyone is welcoming her with open arms. Everything is going great so far! Thanks for your input and support!

Here's some advice, go at her speed. I contacted my birthmom 10 years ago or so, and I've been paying a price ever since then. I never know when I am going to receive some erratic and emotional email, phone call, text message, whenever her motherly instinct has gone into overdrive. Believe me when I say, nothing is stranger to a young adult "adoptee" male than riding a rollercoaster ride of uncontrollable emotions because of having an over-interested birthmother. What began as an innocent pursuit to learn my biological roots has turned into a giant mess...in case you cannot already tell from the tone of my response. I never bargained for having to council my birthmother, or console her when she's crying. The fact of the matter is, be careful, be very very careful. And this is to all birthmom's reading this. If you know you have emotional problems, or if you know you can be overbearing, strong-willed, stubborn, blinded by emotion, if you know that this is your nature, consider NOT meeting your biological child ever. They don't deserve having to deal with your issues. I have had to be the bigger person in a constant diplomatic effort to "check-in" during holidays, or special occasions because now, communication is expected, where as before, it was just a welcomed surprise.I guess at the end of this post, I'd just like to leave with one more point, and that is, just because they are your child by nature, does not mean they were nurtured in any way similar to how you were. Case in point, I am not very much like my birthmother, and I don't understand where she is coming from, never will and frankly do not care to spend the time necessary to fully understand where she is coming from because my goals and ambitions for our relationship have been met, and were met probably after hanging out w. her the 3rd time...If anyone has anything constructive to add to this, or any suggestions on how to get around a restraining order and get through to a birthmother that won't quit calling, won't quit sending gifts, won't quit contacting my extended family, fiance and friends via facebook, email and snailmail, please by all means respond here, or PM me. Thanks and I apologize if I hijacked this thread in anyway.I'll also close with this. Because she feels 100% validated to act in her own self-interest because of years of loathsome emotional turmoil from having to give me up 30 years ago, she excuses her own behavior and see's her need to communicate as natural and perfectly acceptable. This is despite the fact that I have been relatively clear that I want our communication to be limited to when I want to talk...By all means let me know if I am at fault or out of line for feeling as though I should be the one who sets the boundaries.

Thank you so much for sharing your update with us! It sounds like you hit it off with your daughter and her mom. That is really awesome!It always, always helps so much when the aparents are supportive of the reunion, especially if the adoptee is an adolescent or young adult.It sounds like you're handling things great! I hope you continue posting here and sharing your updates with us. :p

This is a response to a member who sent me a PM about my post in this thread, I thought it might be helpful to share it here as well: I'm glad you found it useful, I guess on one hand I could see how you (or my birthmother) would be just as inexperienced with how to proceed with a reunion as I am, but therein lies a very good point I'd like for you to keep in mind. Do more listening than talking, don't ask prying questions, make it your number one goal to take a long-view approach to your relationship with him...It's up to him to determine or define what the relationship means to him, do not try to dictate what you think it should mean to him, does that make sense? I would approach the whole thing as a conscientious observer, more than an active participant in conversations and meet-ups. That's all the tough stuff...the good news is, he loves you and cares about you if he talks to you at all...So if he speaks to you, know that he loves you, but do not let that get your hopes up in terms of hearing that from him. If he ever tells you he loves you, well that's a huge bonus, but don't expect it. I recommend also that you do not tell him you love him, because that blures the lines of the friendship, which is what you are hoping to build with him, yes?A real friendship takes years to develop, especially the older we get, so keep that in mind, do not be in any hurry.

Good that you found this site and are able to let out some of your frustration. Setting boundaries is important on all sides of the reunion process. I feel sad for you and your birthmother. Have you tried hiring a counselor that could function as a middle-man? Maybe she would listen a little better to someone else. Sad really, because the more she wants you, the less you want her...

justlooking...Welcome to the site....the chatroom is open everynite. B-moms, adoptees, and all members of the triad come in almost every nite. Some B-moms are also adoptees and have a wealth of experience to share...come join us...theres a bunch of good people who go there every nite around 10-10:30PM...they are always happy to welcome newbies.I wish you the best.

So pleased for your reunion going well. Hope it continues to grow and be stronger as you get to know one another.

Congratulations! :cheer:

please let me know how it went

UPDATE: We have stayed in contact primarily through email and texts. Ironically M has a personality nearly identical to my other daughter (her half-sis). Very volatile--super happy one minute and pissed off at the world the next. There are other aspects of her personality that are 100% me and it's fascinating to see how big a role genes play in things like that. No current plans to get together again, though my 8 year old would love us to fly out this summer...she's completely devoted to her new big sister! There aren't any negatives, really. I forget how young M is sometimes. She's legally an adult but still has a lot of maturing to do, having been somewhat sheltered all these years. She's a good kid, though, and I think after a few years on her own she will mature into an amazing young woman.

I know what its like, so be true to yourself. KG