Confused

August 21, 2009

Hi everyone!

I'm new to these forums as of a few minutes ago and haven't really taken time to read on things yet. I have a question, but first my background:

I'm 29 years old (almost 30) and was adopted when I was a baby. I'm mexican but did not grow up in a mexican family. I've never had any issues knowing that I was adopted, emotionally or otherwise. My parents have always been my parents. Of my original adoptive parents, my mom died when I was about 13. My dad then remarried and my step mom asked me if she could adopt me, and so she did. I met my bio cousin when I was 15 because I was invited to be in her quiensenetta (no idea how to spell), so my parents to me who she was. I had no problem with that and she was (is) my friend. Then, I ended up meeting my 5 bio brothers and sisters (3 girls, 2 boys) from my bio mom's side the summer after I graduated high school. A year or two into college, I met my bio brothers and sisters (3 girls, 1 boy) from my bio dad's side. Basically, my bio dad had an affair with my bio mom during the month or month right after his wife gave birth to my half sister. So, that's a bittersweet subject in itself.

Ok, so, here we are now and something has finally come up that I'm not sure how to handle. It may be that I just need to talk to my parents (I don't usually say adoptive parents....they're my parents and that's that - I only distinguish my bio family). I had two pictures of my bio dad on my facebook page - one with he and the oldest daughter, the other with he, his wife, another daughter, and his son. I only displayed the pictures because of my siblings. My mom recently joined facebook, and we were talking about something yesterday and she admitted that it shocked her that I had the picture of my bio dad up. Under that picture, I'd listed it something like "my sister.... and her dad (my bio dad)". To me, it's a picture. He means nothing to me....only I am thankful that I'm here, sad that he had an affair that made me be here, and happy that I know my bio siblings.....but I have no feelings for him at all. I have his dna and that's it. But, it seemed like my mom was trying to convince me (or herself) that I have the best dad in the world and that my bio dad isn't in my life and doesn't need to be because God put me where I am and I've had a happy life, etc, etc....which I completely agree with.... I'm unfortunately a people pleaser and I'm working on that when it comes to making problems. But, the people pleaser in me took down those pictures (I'm going to ask my bio sister if she has a better picture of her and the other siblings only). I can see where my mom is coming from, but I don't know how to react. I don't know if I need to sit her down and find out why it upset her so much (she said it didn't, but her reaction says it did) - or if I should sit down with my daddy and find out his thoughts on me knowing who my bio dad is....or if I should sit with both of them. This has never been an issue and I don't want feelings to be hurt, but to me, I mean, It was just a picture....displaying my siblings. Yeah, he's my bio dad - ok, so someone can see and make an opinion of if I look anything like him or not. So what, I look like my daddy too even though I don't share his dna - but I share so much more that trumps dna any day.

I guess I just feel so confused as to why this was even something to cause a problem in the first place. It's a non-issue to me....but what could my parents really be feeling about me knowing who my bio family are (and knowing some of the siblings on a more personal basis).

Very confused here. Any thoughts? (If my post even made sense at all) :)

:thanks:

-KristinHope

mommytoEli

August 21, 2009

maybe she was just trying to remind you that you are loved. maybe she thought you were confused, or forgot, or were unsure...and she was just reminding you of how lucky you are to have your amazing dad. i say that bc i am pretty sure that one of mine feels exactly that way. i have to remind her often we do love her and that we are pretty amazing ;) lol.. when i say that to this child, it is not to diminish the role of her first family. i believe they loved/love her too. just to clarify... i don't think she is "lucky" to have to have been adopted.i do think she is lucky that in having to be adopted, she landed with a family that loves her alot and thinks she is pretty cool too. but i think sometimes as adoptive parents, we worry that our children get too wrapped up in worrying about being unloved or unloveable, and we just want to remind them we DO love them. i'd be shocked if i walked in dd's room and she had a picture of her first dad up. but i don't know that i'd be shocked like, "omg...take that down!" as much as i'd be shocked like, "huh, well that's new and different." i think you need to talk to your mom. ask her why it bothered her, and tell her why you have it up. even if you consider him your dad, and not just your sisters...you should be free to have it posted.