I'm so sorry, Danny

I am so sorry. I can't believe he said such things to you. Money isn't the most important thing by far. You seem to be quite the survivor. Congratulations on the sobriety. That's a tough war, and you are winning it!Maybe Danny is like many men. He percieves a problem, even when there isn't one, and can't fix it. Adoptees can tend to take on their bparents pain. Maybe he has done that in your case? Hang in there!

Thanks, txrnr. I am, if nothing else, a survivor. But I guess his fairytale version of his birthmom didn't include being a survivor. I know I'm hurt, but I think I'm also angry. I had managed to make peace with the fact that I would never see my child again, and had begun to live a good life. Then he comes along, I open up to him and what? It takes him 16 years to realize I'm not good enough because I don't have a six-figure income? Because I have much credit card debt? Because I'm not the perfect mom he imagined?? Argh.... :hissy: who knows? I just know my heart is breaking all over again, just like it was all those years ago. But at least I know he is alive and well. The one thing I've learned about Danny, is that he means what he says, and says what he means, so I know his good bye was quite final. I just wish it had happened in the beginning instead of after all these years. I just wish he'd been honest back then instead of waiting all these years. I just wish....

Wow, I can feel your pain. I have a daughter I reunited with over 20 years ago, and I'm sure she feels the same has your Danny does, altho she hasn't come out and said it. I too am in recovery (congrats on 20 years!), and I know she didn't bargain on that! I am also not in the best financial situation, but at least I have a job. I live my life as best I can, and I'd like to say it doesn't matter what others think, but when one of those "others" is a relinquished child, hell yeah, it matters! We want to be everthing they dreamed we would be and more. But guess what M2D? We're only human. The persons they want us to be are fantasies built up in their heads. Still I'm sure she didn't expect to find a drunk (in recovery, but a drunk noless) for a mom, who was still not married but chose to keep her 2nd child, who has all kinds of issues; she didn't expect to find that she'd been the product of a rape; or that I'd had a long tough life full of heartaches that she can never understand. So I'm sure I was a disappointment to her, but we have at least built a reasonable facsimile of a friendship, and do see each other now and again. I can't even begin to imagine how incredibly hurtful those words were to hear. Maybe like txrnr says, he perceives a problem where there isn't one, and is just trying to fix something that doesn't need fixing. Please try to keep your chin up, and remember that nothing is forever. He may very well realize that he misses your presence in his life. After all, he has been there of his own free will for 16 years, hasn't he? There had to be a reason for that. Hugs to you, ALTA

Mom2Danny, I'm so sorry. Wow, so he stayed in contact for 16 years and only now has said he can't relate and thinks you want him to "help" you? That would hurt me, too. Especially since you haven't expected or asked for his help or support. So it sounds like he has some feelings of guilt that he is projecting onto you and also some sense of obligation based on an erroneous view that your life isn't good simply because it is more modest than his. It's too bad, you sound like you have yourself put together pretty well, and are a woman he should be proud of, despite the difficulties you have encountered and the differences in social status and income. Personally, I admire you for going through all you have and managing so well. 20 years of sobriety is nothing to sneeze at. And so you aren't in a high paying job and live in a big fancy house and all. Big deal, at least you have your integrity! And if you have managed to make a life for yourself, no matter how basic that life may be, it is still an honest living and a place you can call home. He should be proud of you. Seriously. You know, I think I might still send a letter saying you will respect his wishes but want to make clear that you never wanted anything from him and that you never felt he should be responsible for you. (That is HIS issue to work through if he feels that way and I don't think cutting you off was the answer.) And that if he has a change of heart, your door will be open, if in fact that is something you would want and can risk dealing with emotionally. Your story reminds me of someone I met in one of my support groups who had searched for her birth mom and found her. When she got in contact, she discovered her mom lived a very different lifestyle than she had lived. The mom lived in a very rural area, and didn't have much, but was a fine woman who went back to school, worked as a nurse, and had a modest home. The daughter grew up in an upper class neighborhood in a wealthy suburb of a large city, and was very priviledged as a result of her adoption. I remember her saying how shocked she was to see her birthmom's photo because, in her words, "she was fat and I wonder now if I will end up fat." She also expressed that her birth family seemed like "hillbillies." I try to be very understanding of anyone involved in adoption, but I was just shocked that she would judge her birth mom based on her social status and physical appearance, and her biggest worry seemed to be getting fat because of the genetic connection to her birth mom. Unfortunately, as much as we hope in reunion that our grown children will connect with us and we will be accepted by them, it doesn't always work out that way. In so many cases, the homes that our children were adopted into were better off than ours. And as much as we would want them to not want for anything, sometimes growing up in privilege has the downside of a person not being able to relate to others who did not grow up that way or acheive that level of status. It's really too bad, as I would hope that certain values would have been taught in the home as well, in particular to be able to relate to people from all backgrounds and walks of life. I hope you will be able to find peace with this. It must be terribly difficult.

For whatever reason this member has decided to create 2 accounts and personalities although they are the same person. Some weekend internet "fun" apparently...sigh.