Do you know nmoms who don't want to be found?

I'm not certain, but I do know a birth mom who was sent away in the closed era who probably would not want to be found. It's so hard to say if her child found her whether or not she would soften, but she has expressed that she does not wish to be found, and never speaks about her experience even though she knows I've been through it, too. Only her immediate family knows and her husband, but she never told her other kids who are now grown. I'm not sure if she lives in constant fear that she will be exposed or if she just feels it will never happen. Like I said, she doesn't really talk about it at all. I just think it's so deeply buried and she doesn't want to deal with the issue at all and would have a very hard time if she was found. I don't believe she ever got counseling, either. I also know another woman who placed right around when I did who told me that once she married and had children that she was raising, she didn't think much anymore about her placed child. I was kind of shocked about that. I don't know if focusing on the kids she was raising helped her put her surrendered child out of her mind as she was just so busy, or if she really didn't care at all, but I think if her child reached out, she would accept him. I think her feelings would flood back.

That's sad. I can't imagine living in that fear 24/7. Not to minimize -- but it kinda seems like someone living in fear because they are gay, afraid of what society would say and doesn't want someone to 'out' them....

I don't know that I can say in all certainty that my Bmom truly didn't want to be found. I think it was more like she just didn't want to face being found. I think she wanted to know I was alright and had indeed been adopted. What she didn't want was for anyone to know she had gotten pregnant, while not married, and placed a child for adoption. I still, to this day, believe had my Bsis not found one of my letters, Bmom would have never told anyone, other than her sister and mother, that she had been found. I also believe she would have never agreed to meet me. My Bsis is who forced the issue. Even after 20 years of being reunited, when asked how many children she has, she says two instead of three. I am still, after all this time, her dirty little secret. Having said that, I know it has nothing to do with me personally. Basically, she is more afraid of what strangers and acquaintences will think of her and avoiding dealing with her "pain and wounds", than she is with seeing the opportunity reuniting gave her. You are right. It is sad. The really sad thing about it, is that it seems to bother me, the adoptee, a whole lot more than it bothers her, the birth mother. In the past few years, it's become even more apparent to me, by watching her relationships with my Bsibs, that it's not just me. Her relationship with my bio sis has become strained as well. She just can't seem to get past herself and her personal issues. I feel sorry for her, because she can't see what she is missing nor does she seem to understand why her relationship with me and my bio sis is so strained. I would like to think that, inside, she is truly in pain, and just using denial to kill the pain. Honestly, I just don't know, because outwardly, she just doesn't really seem to care. I think I can, also, say with certainty that she would have never searched for me, and would have been perfectly happy to have never been found.

My dh found his birth mom and wrote to her. She did not respond for a year, but finally emailed him. She asked to keep all communication to email. She has three children older than dh, placed two children for adoption, then married and also has a 40 year old son. She has not told anyone about dh, including her husband. I told dh that I can't imagine having a marriage where such a "huge" thing was a secret. I am sure it was hard for her and I am hoping that she agrees to meet dh. She did give him some medical history, and doesn't seem "angry" to have been found. I am 99 percent sure she never would have searched. It is pretty tough to really think about...I guess it bothers me that she won't meet her son or our dd...and we live 10 minutes away. Hopefully, things will change. I am sad for all of you with these kinds of "reunions."

How sad. My bmom would've been happier if I had never found her. How sad for all of the moms who gave birth and don't want to know their child nor what ever happened to them. I would think that it's a defense mechanism that turned off their emotions and numbed them. Thankfully, I've never learned nor been trained how to do that. It sounds awful.

I have a good friend who contacted me last year wanting to know what she should do because a woman contacted her husband saying she was his niece.Turned out that her husband's sister placed a child in the 60's and never told a soul. Her parents never told anyone either. The nmom was not open to contact but met up with her once. That wasn't enough so the woman/adoptee ended up googling all the family members and then contacted them to drop the bomb.Nmom is not in reunion and while her family surrounded her in support she still doesn't talk about it or want to discuss it in any shape or form. She never told her husband or son and never wanted to be found.

I knew one birthmother who placed her child in the early 1970s and was happy to be found. I know another whose placed child is still a minor, and she has no interest in contact at all. Her parents have a semi-open adoption with the adoptive parents, but the birth parents themselves do not want to be contacted or involved in any way. The birthmother says she moved on with her life after placement and does not consider the child "hers."

What makes it even sadder is the effect it has on not just bio mom and adoptee, but extended family. When bio parents refuse contact, they take away the rest of their family as well. Had my Bsis not found that letter, and my Bmom never told, I wouldn't have the relationship with my sister brother, aunts, uncles, and grandmother that I have today. My bmom's attitude effected everyone and made it difficult to get to know each other, and build relationships. I am close to all of my extended family now. I enjoy their company andd spending time with them. It took years for them to open up because Bmom's attitude made the situation so awkward at times. Basically, no one knew how to deal with things, and didn't want to hurt either of us. I remember asking my Bsis once, not too long ago, why we hadn't done more things, and spent more time together when she was younger. I was really surprised when she very bluntly said, "I blame mom for that." There was no need to say or ask anything else. It is what it is and I have my little sister and she has me. OH, and we are going to both become aunts soon...thanks to little bro. We're having a ball with the idea. Bmom, well, she just has to live with it. Auntie Shadow and Auntie M...has a nice ring...don't you think? Hope it's a girl. I need a good excuse to to buy a pony..uhm, for my niece.

My bmom is still deciding whether she wants to have been found. The confidential intermediary found her last week, and she has not decided whether to consent to contact. I think it is at least partly because, as she told the CI she never told her other kids (now in their 30s) or any of the rest of her family except her husband (who is not my bdad). My grandmother was adopted too. She found her bmom, who wanted nothing to do with her and was quite nasty about it, as I understand. My grandmother was obviously very hurt by this, but luckily she did go on to find and have a good relationship with her bdad.

I am a birthmother, with a closed adoption in 1979. In January of this year, almost 30 years later, I was reunited with my son. Reunion opened up SO MUCH that I had buried, feelings, memories, etc. The way I dealt with the loss of my son was to live in denial. Reunion forced me to deal with things that should have been dealt with 30 years ago. In no way would I EVER give up this chance to know my son, but I can say that I understand how some birthmothers choose to deny reunion in order to avoid dealing with all the issues that giving up a child brings. There were times these last few months that I found myself wishing that I was still living in the land of denial. One thing I wish to say to adoptees that feel that their birthmoms are ashamed of them personally: I was not ashamed of my son, I was ashamed of the fact that I had sex at the age of 15. Even now, I am easily able to tell people about my son, that is not hard at all. What continues to be hard is admitting that at 15 I became sexually active. It brings back all the feelings of "being a "bad" girl", feeling that people will judge me on that one fact. My desire to know my son was so much stronger than the fear of facing my past, but I can understand how for some birthmothers it is the opposite.

Thank you for saying this.:) Not that I'm in any way saying "of course you should be ashamed of your 15 year old self!", no, not at all! My dh has located his bmom and so far hasn't heard back from her (admittedly, it's been a whole week, but...;)) and he's leaning that way of taking it personally. So your post is timely because I think people really need to know that. It's not personal against the person but rather the situation surrounding things, most likely? That said, I hope you find it easier soon to reconcile with your decision at 15 to have sex. There's nothing to be ashamed of, imo.

Crick, Please tell your husband to try to not take anything personally against himself. I know for me, it was absolutely the situation that was the problem, not my son. I have always loved my son, always will. I think most birthmothers, in order to go on with life, bury a lot. Reunion forces us to deal with things that have been hidden for decades. I wish that I had reconciled a lot of things before reuniting with my son, but better late than never!Susie