Wondering About Child Born After Losing One to Adoption

Hi Elaine, I am a birthmom (had a son, he will be 13) and I have a daughter now. If I understand you right, I don't think that my daughter has to fill the void, but I do know that I am very close to her. I held her alot for months after she was born, I didn't want to put her down. I don't see that as a bad thing, she is 2 now and very affectionate. I think I am just more over protective cause I think someone might try to kidnap her, especially at parks or malls....my eyes are glued to her or I am holding her or her hand.

Hey Elaine! :flower: Interesting question. A very learned woman here on these boards told me that my eldest daughter - though she was only one at the time - probably sensed the grief of the loss of my surrendered daughter. I have felt the need to clearly state to my raised daughters that they are in no way responsible for the path my life took or the choices that I felt I needed to make. None of my 4 children are responsible for that. I have taught my daughters to live for themselves and that they have no one to justify their lives to but themselves and their God. However, there may be women out there who've relinquished children who go on to teach their raised children differently. They may smother them in a fear of losing them or they may be somewhat "removed" from their children for the same reason. I would imagine that that kind of unspoken anguish would definately effect the way that raised children view their role in the family dynamic. Not sure if that helps answer your question but thought I'd throw it out there anyway. Big hugs to you today!! :flower:

wow -- 'unspoken anguish' -- what a good way to phrase it!

I know my raised children were important to me but I stayed my distance for the most part becasue I was always afraid of losing them too. By distance I don't mean I didn't love them, protect them or do the things that I felt I should do to protect them (sometimes overly protective and watchful) but I was afraid to love them too much because "when they got taken" I'd lose them and hurt too much so lets not do that "loving too much thing". That's the way I felt. I know my kids frequently felt the need to take care of me. I didn't ask them to but they were always trying to take care of my emotional state of mind and not get me upset or angry or whatever else. They did get me upset and angry when they'd fight between themselves or do things that were unacceptable like breaking a neighbors window with a rock but if I'd cry they'd have to come sit by me. Not becasue I said to but they felt they had to so I'd "be better". I feel really bad about that. I was a complete wreck as a mother to my children. I always had the fear they'd be ripped out of my life. My ex husband didn't help matters much when he did rip them away from me and withhold any visitation for at least 3 months at a time, and try to get me deemed an unfit mother while he was shacked up with some bimbo who just didn't want him to have to pay me child support anymore. That man knew I would be devastated but he didn't care. His bimbos were always trying to get my kids so they could stop my ex from the child support thing. It happened 3 times before my kids were grown enough to make their own decisions as to where they wanted to live. The only reason he gave the kids back before courts ever actually deemed me unfit was because he would beat his girlfriends up who would leave him afterwards, and suddenly, I wasn't unfit anymore, "Here's the kids back. I think you're an ok mother now you've "changed" so they can come home now." So my panic was constant during my kids life and I had a hard time dealing with my kids being taken from me by my ex on top the loss of my daughter and my kids had to see me in a bad state of mind most of their lives. It was very hard on them. I honestly don't beleive I would have had that kind of trouble raising my kids if I hadn't given my daughter up for adoption and been such a mental case about it. I think my kids would have had a much better life and I don't think they would have probably felt the need to "take care of mommy" if I hadn't been through what I had even though they didnt' understand my grief at her birthday and holidays and situations. I would cry when I got near anywhere I was when I was pregnant with my daughter. I couldn't drive through the area where she was born or where I had to deal with all that I did during her pregnancy. I STILL can't look at pictures of the house I lived in during my pregnancy. I can't do a lot of stuff. My kids still don't understand. Part of the reason they don't understand why I get so emotional even now is because of what my daughter did to our whole family while she was in contact with us. She hurt every one of us in one way or another. They think I should go on and forget she exists. But I can't. It's not possible. I just wish my raised kids could try to understand how I feel and stop being so critical of my desire to be in my other daughter's life. :( Rylee