How are you doing today?

I was raised believing, and currently still believe, that everything that happens in our lives (the successes, the obstacles, the mundane things that seem insignificant) are all ways God is using to teach us something.While we might never know exactly what it is we are supposed to learn or how something terrible is supposed to help us at all, it means something to God.I don't believe God is an evil being, but a wise one, a God who makes sure we can overcome the hardships in life while simultaneously rejoicing our successes.I know (from your posts) that you are severely emotionally hurt (as are most [if not all] in this area of the forums) and I can't help but think if it's something to learn from. I believe that all of you are in a unique position in life where you can help people understand the depths of humanity, emotions, and life in general.I apologize if you didn't want this kind of a response, but I completely agree with the saying "nothing is impossible for God" and I encourage you to keep praying for guidance throughout your life.You already know you have lots of support here.I wish you well =)

I think what you've said is good. I wasn't expecting any particular type response. I know I have a lot of things to overcome and to stop being so angry and feeling so let down. I have to work hard on that but I think right now while I'm able I'm going to give it my best to think differently. Last night my husband, my raised daughter and I played a card came and for some stupid reason I just couldn't quit laughing and the next thing I know is I'm singing, "We want to Welcome you to munskin land" in the munskin voice and all lol (the little lollypop kids too lol ) and I just couldn't quit. I was just having a great time and by the end of the night my eyes were swollen up like I'd been hit but I couldn't quit smiling and laughing and feeling really good. ALL DRUG AND ALCOHOL FREE too! :D I wish I could feel that way all the time. I like feeling good. I hate feeling like I want to die. I hate hating people and things. I had to think seriously recently too about some of the advice I've had here and things I've read and watched (like that movie) and said, "I can either feel sorry for myself for having to take care of my mom, OR I can accept it and help her get back on her feet faster and just deal with it until it's over". And the other was, "I can either accept life as it is and try harder to be a better person or I can sit around hating and feeling sorry for myself and running into a brick wall all day." Just a lot of stuff going through my head. I have had to remind myself a few times since that what I was doing and what I want but if I can keep doing that, MAYBE just MAYBE I can start to forgive and actually "move on" in my life and be happy I can exist at all. I just WISH I could feel that way all the time and really do this. I HAVE to if I want to be alive for the next 20 or 30 years. I can't keep living in the horrible attitudes I've had and the stubborness and the wanting to have it all MY way for the rest of my life. It's what's made my life a living hell. Trying to take control where I can't. I have the Serenity prayer sitting by my computer right now and I have to think about that. I just hope I can. I can't promise I'll never come here freaking out and crying and screaming and feeling like I'm wanting to die again. I know that's impossible to promise but for NOW I can live this day and HOPE I can live another day like this and another until it's just "normal" life instead of the "occasional" feeling good. You know? Rylee

Rylee,I hear what you are saying, my friend. I personally am going through a "down period" -- it happens. I have always been able to laugh through my tears and believe that regardless of what happens, I am the Lord's. I don't believe that God causes evil to happen to us... God can can bring good out of evil. I have discovered that I'm much better in seeing God's will for my life in hindsight! Remember that daily we die to our sins and rise to new life in Christ. Somehow we humans never completely "get it." Each day we choose anew the path we will follow. (Sometimes I have to remind myself every ten minutes or so that I'm letting God be in charge!)

I'm not doing that well. Six years ago I gave up my daughter and now that I'm 33, wanting kids and haven't conceived after 2 years of trying, I'm really hurting. I stopped communicating with the adoptive parents 4 years ago, when they told me they were moving to Pennsylvania. It was a testament to how little control I actually had in how she grew up. I chose the parents because they were in Texas. Last night, I had a horrible dream... that they had gotten a divorce. Here's something unique about me. I was 27 and married to the father of the child when I gave birth. But let me tell you, I felt every bit like a scared 17 year old. Like most, I just wasn't in a situation where I felt like I could provide my daughter with a good life. That inadequacy and guilt follows me to this day. I have one more year left on the Semi-Open portion of the contract. Meaning, I can send/receive letters until she's 7. I strive every day to be more successful than I was at age 27. Yet I still haven't gotten my MBA like I've wanted to. Oh yeah, 27 and college educated. I live for my career. I'm tired of living for that. I want more. I don't know if there are any birthmothers out there like me, who did it when they were older. I feel hurt on a daily basis when people talk about their kids, being pregnant. There are so many conversations that I could participate in but fall deathly quiet because I really don't want to here the atta girl, or wow... that's amazing. It's not amazing. I did the best I could. But the lack of control is ripping me to shreds inside. I just hope they are ok in light of this economy, that he has his job, that the family is strong and that life is good for her. There are days when I don't think about her at all... months even. And then there are days like this, when I can't get her out of my mind. I wonder how she would react if she ever met me. I both fear that and I'm curious about that. I guess I'm just looking for support. I haven't looked for support for a long time... at least five years. But I don't want to be like this forever. I want to be happy. FYI - The father of the child and I are still married. I try not to feel resentful. But I know it was my response to his fear of being a father that led to this. Sometimes I hate him and he's a good husband. I just need support.

Rylee, Thanks SO much for asking. I've been mostly lurking lately because I feel overwhelmed by how I feel many days, as do many of us. It's so nice to have someone just ask how we are... no agenda, no topic, no judgement. Thanks for the support, Soprano

I know what you mean about being asked how you're doing and not having an agenda. I need that question asked of me too sometimes. I really do care about everyone here. I know at times I've kind of been "Off the wall" and out of my mind for one reason or another and yet you all have been here to help me through some really REALLY rough times. I don't know sometimes what I'd do without you. I can't say that I haven't cried from responses given every now and then and haven't felt like strangling the person who made the comment but that's SO RARE that it doesn't matter in the scheme of things because I have all the other good things said and helpful things said and that's what keeps me coming here. We're not here for ridicule or hate or fear or whatever other things others feel towards us, we're here for love and support and to have a place to come to feel safe. At least that's what I beleive most are here for. I really do want to know how people are doing in whatever they're feeling or going through. Sometimes knowing I'm not alone helps me a great deal. It's not that I wish anything bad on anyone else so I can know they "understand me" because I don't want anyone hurting like I hurt, but just knowing I'm not alone helps a lot and sometimes reading things that are worse than what I went through or going through now makes me feel more compassion for others. I really do care. I want you all to know that. Rylee

Rylee, thanks so much for that post. Every time I see the title of this thread, I take a deep breath--and then I mostly don't post. I'm doing okay today, so I can post that. I had a birthday over the weekend, and I so badly wanted not to hear from my son's parents; I know that sounds nuts. But I got a short, sweet email from his mom, and I thought, "What are you so worried about?" Really, though, I just didn't want to have to think about the adoption on my birthday. But I think about the adoption every day. I feel trapped in this halfway point--I am a mother with no children. I hope to have a child in a couple of years, but until them, what the %#$* am I? I just get tired, I guess.

shatteredheart, why don't you contact the APs I bet they will be pleased to hear from you. Yes, we have no control and now that my bdaughter is over 18 now it's up to her. Her amother can't make her do anything and she has good parents who have taught her politeness etc. Even though your daughter lives far away, email and facebook etc can keep you up to date. My bdaughter lives in a near by city and I don't see her BUT the internet has kept me up with what's happening in her life. So don't give up hope.

How am I doing today? GREAT...I am grateful, grateful, grateful for the internet letting me know what my bdaugter is doing...keeping me up todate....

I don't even know how I feel today. Excited that we're getting closer to getting a house. Crushed that we are starting a custody battle all over again. I am worn out by everything. I am angry that all mothers don't put their children first and refuse to sacrifice it all for them. I hate that some people feel I don't have the right or ability to raise other children because I placed Sarah. I am offended that someone would think I want to be a mom to my step kids because I placed her. I want people to realize that we grieve the loss of our children and although it creates a hole that we are always trying to fill, we are not trying to replace our own child. They can never be replaced or sustituded for. I guess I'm not feeling well at all today...:(

Hi everybody! How am I doing today? What a "loaded" question for me. Hmmm .. It seems today I'm "okay." I have been a "first mother" for almost nine years (I'm in my early 40s) and it seems like every single day I feel left out. Empty. My heart aches often. My husband (not her father) knows all about the situation and is very understanding as best as he can be. I thank God every day that I can share my feelings with him. The way he comforts me is nothing short of a blessing, even for a moment.In the beginning, I was able to see her at least twice a year - until six years ago, when her adoptive parents suddenly went from an open adoption to semi-open, with no real explanation but some fear that her adoptive mother has, and to this day, she still has not dealt with properly. I encouraged her to read "Children of an Open Adoption," but ... don't know for sure if she even picked up the book.The last time I received a photo was via cell phone - of my daughter with my mom on her last visit with them - not the best photo in the world, but it's better than nothing I guess; and that was two years ago. For the longest time, I've had this "entitlement mentality." It's like, "If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't be parents!" The temptation to throw that in their face is so strong sometimes, that when I talk with them on the phone (not often at the moment), it is a struggle to keep that out of the conversation. I wonder sometimes if they sense these feelings from me.As for my child, she's doing well. She knows she's adopted and knows that I am her birthmother. Although she's young, I'm anxious for her to start asking questions for me to answer. Does anyone else go through this?

How am I doing today? I guess I've been lurking lately just to assess that for myself after staying away from here for a long time. It was necessary to get away and gain some perspective because here you're hearing too much about what everyone else thinks and feels so you can't hear your own voice. In answer to that question, I'm doing pretty well these days. I had to take some time off from contact with bchild also and as hard as it was to do, it was necessary. I think I needed to regain my composure, so to speak. Now I can enjoy the occasional email update without wanting more. I know she is there and I'm convinced she is well. I'm sure that if I need to tell her something she would respond. If she don't, that's OK too. I'm confident that I will always respond to her also. My life is pretty busy, consumed with work, keeping up the house, the dogs, finding time for my other hobbies, interests and people. I feel that healing is actually taking place at long last. My issue with God is not totally resolved but I still believe in a surpreme being. I'm just not so sure exactly what God is to me anymore. I'll leave that issue open and see what happens. My work is going better. For awhile, I couldn't even function because I couldn't concentrate and I couldn't help anyone else heal if I was so messed up myself. For so many years I kept the adoption thing locked up in a compartment where it never affected my outer world. Once the monster escaped, I couldn't get it back in. My life felt kaotic and my emotions out of control. I think the monster is a little better behaved these days. It stays in its compartment and only comes out when invited. I usually allow it out on the occasional rainy day. Well, thanks for asking

I guess I'm doing okay, not as good as I would like, but I could be doing way worse. We got evicted last week, so no reason what so ever and had forty-eight hours to vacate. That was tons of fun. Because of the eviction we had to get rid of of our dog, luckily my dad was able to take him in. So with the adoption and all of this it's just been one thing after another and it's been really hard on my SO, to the point where he couldn't work because of it. My son will be a month old tomorrow and I'll be going up to the agency to take some things for Johnathan and his aparents (letters and a painting) and to see a counselor. I'm both looking forward to it and not, but I think it will be good for me. The past couple weeks though everything has just felt so surreal though. We went to a local street festival/fair thing this past Saturday. Everytime we walked past a couple with an infant I would look and see if it was them, even though I knew it wouldn't be. We ran into a friend of my SO's and of course she wanted to talk about her baby. When she was showing us pictures of him the only thing I could think of was that my son was cuter and how much I miss him. Then I ran into one of the nurses from the hospital. Luckily it was the really nice nurse who took pictures of us with Johnathan before we left hospital. Atleast all of these things didn't make me just break down and start crying in the street. Then Sunday morning we went to a family reunion for my SO. It turns out that one of his cousins had a baby about a week before I gave birth. Seeing her with her daughter kinn've got to me. I wanted to hold her, but I didn't. I don't think I would have ever let go.

Ah Rylee,How am I doing today.. The answer is that I am very down. I celebrated D and my birthday on the 4th and my Dad died on the 5th. It's been an emotionally exhausting time which has led directly, I think, to the very bad cold I've been fighting for a week. The bright spot? D and his wife came to the funeral was was part of my family and support there. My sister and I are executors of the will so life won't be less complicated for a while.In other words, I guess, life is! We are never told we shouldn't grieve, just as Christians not to grieve as those who have no hope!

Rylee - I too just wanted to add my thanks for this thread. I've never responded before, but just seeing the title sometimes makes me sit back and ask myself the question of how I'm doing. And usually, I'm doing better than I was before I had some self-reflection. Every day where I can say, "Today I'm okay" is another day we get through, you know? ((((hugs)))) to everyone that needs them today.