Little Dude's Birth Mother is using his photo as HER MySpace profile pic!! Grrr

First, I'm so sorry to hear this and can't imagine what it must feel like on your end. In trying to rationalize it in this brief moment after reading your post, I'm thinking that you're right: posting his picture probably serves as an attention-seeking/getting move. If she's young, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and deduce that she probably doesn't realize how inappropriate/ineffective that is. However, since she does acknowledge on her site that she "gave him up," and given she's talking about him as if she were a part of his life, I'm inclined to also conclude that the action of posting his picture is a part of her own personal mourning process. I've never been in a birth mother's shoes but I have "lost" (never saw again) a baby I raised from birth and I still "mourn" so to speak and still consider him a part of our family. I wonder if, in this less mature manifestation, she is still working through the grief that would inevitably accompany losing a child. Either way, I commend you for being strong and patient. Jennifer

I'd be irritated too simply because I don't want my kids' pics up online by anyone. It doesn't sound like that is the issue for you though.Maybe you could look at it slightly different then? I mean her motivations. Instead of looking at it as a way to grab attention for herself, maybe look at it that she's proud to show him off? She says she relinquished him so it's not like she isn't honest about that. I'd think regardless of her raising him or not, she's still got feelings of pride and joy and likely wants to share that with others?

I know you guys are right. She is mourning - he was a big symbol to her of her love with Little Dude's Teen Dad. It just seems more proprietary than I would like. Becasue I AM HIS MOMMY!!!:hissy: And it makes me mad, remembering all the scheduled visits that she missed - they only showed up for 7. Also, he is not a toy or a doll. He is a little boy with real feelings. It makes me NOT want to send pix again. Although I just won't e-mail them. I will mail. I am sure she doesn't have a printer/scanner so the new pix can just go in her photo album.

This is a bit OT, but what is Robin's Nest; is it in NJ (I'm thinking it is since you posted here); do they have therapists/counselors who specialize in adoption? Thanks!

As a first Mom, thissounds propietary to me....I mean, Little Dude has two Moms - a first Mom and an every day Mom. Yes, You are his Mommy - absolutely 100% agree - but that doesn't negate the fact that she is also. She's stated publicly that she relinquished him, so I don't think that she's trying to show off or take credit for that - but she's likely proud of him! I know that I am always SOOO pleased to share pictures of Cupcake that her Mom sends - because she's beautiful and perfect and because I love her very, very, much.

I get that you feel funny about it being her profile pic (because those can be public even if the rest of the profile is private), but I think you are picking up what she's not putting down. Since she states clearly that she "gave him up", I think her putting up the picture just honors him and her love for him. From what you've said, no where does she claim to be THE MOMMY and you NOT his mommy. I would ask yourself why that is your reaction to the pic. I know for myself, it took me a long time and a lot of emotional work to really come to terms with the fact that my son's birth mom is and always will be and that truth takes nothing from me. What I objected to about her posting the pictures I sent her was that she did it in a way that implied that she had raised him and we didn't exist, nor did the adoption. Since your son's birth mom is specifically not doing that, I think you can address her keeping the pictures more private (in a private album, online or otherwise for instance), but I think the issue of what it made you feel is your issue to work on (nothing wrong with that- I know I had to!), and I don't I think that the solution is to try to play games with the pics so that you are technically complying but not really dealing with the underlying issue inside you or a lack of clearly communicated boundaries or wishes between you. I'm not trying to come down on you at all, because at one point I was absolutely thinking, feeling and saying the same thing. I just want to encourage you that it's so much more peaceful having been able to get past that in myself and realize that it's not a competition and I have to grant her the right to love him and be proud of him without taking it as a challenge or an insult to myself. Unless she is endangering his safety or emotional health or truly denying the adoption or threatening the integrity of your family, which it doesn't sound like she is, I would lighten up a little. Best wishes.

zxc - incredible wisdom in your words. Life only gets better when we explore our most inner feelings and obtain peace. Randomreality, your child having two sets of parents will never not be your reality because they it will always be your childs reality, take zxc's words to heart. Kind regards,Dickons

Yes IRE Lady. Robin's Nest is a non-profit in Glassboro, Gloucester. They offer a lot of services, including post-adoption counseling for families who adopted through DYFS/DCF. Here is the website: [url=http://www.robinsnestinc.org/]Welcome to Robins' Nest, Inc. - (856) 881-8689[/url]

Well THAT'S a tad judgmental, don't you think?I am annoyed because 1) she doesn't respect boundaries and this is just a further example 2) She is not all that healthy of a person and 3) I felt like she should have asked me first. But then, see #1 - she doesn't understand boundaries. (i.e. asking for Little Dude's last name, for my cell phone number, where we live, my address etc.)That is why I worked with the post-adoption counselor - to set boundaries and not feel guilty.And OF COURSE I get that she is his birth mom.But I still am entitled to feel annoyed that she is displaying his photo. I have a right to my feelings too.

Of course you have a right to your feelings. ZXC had those feelings too and has been there. All she is saying though is look at the bigger picture and put it into perspective. We as the aparents DO have feelings like this and of course there are boundaries! There's also though the other side of respecting the other mom's feelings and really trying to see where she is coming from.Asking you for personal information is not okay. And if you don't like the picture up because you feel she is crossing boundaries, or not respecting you as the parent, then that too would not be okay. However I get the sense from your posts that it's really not about boundaries but more about your feelings of "I AM HIS MOMMY!" and the "I picked out that outfit, I took this picture and she's passing it off as her own???" indignation. That is the part some of us are trying to point out to you with a different perspective. It's not judgemental, and trust me when I say that most ALL aparents go through these feelings! It's how we deal with them though and try to see beyond them that we might not see and sometimes have some suggestions to see beyond that. kwim?She's really not taking anything away from you as his mom to post a picture showing him off. Even if she's not in the best mental health, showing off your kids is a natural instinct, imo. Like you said though, if it's a concern for you to have his picture online for regular safety reasons (which I totally understand), then sending her hard copy photos is a good way to prevent this in the future.

I guess Im not getting it. I think if you are not comfortable with your child's picture being posted then you should tell her. He's your son. I don't see him having two sets of parents like children of divorce but one birth mother and one parent, you, his mommy. I think you should clearly state YOUR boundaries, that gives her the opportunity to respect them, regardless of her mental state. Be up front. Your feelings are your feelings and they should be respected. IMO

Thanks Rish:)I really thought about this and decided it was the fact my son's picture was her PROFILE pic that bothered me. You know how in Facebook or MySpace, you have the ONE picture that everyone sees first. It is supposed to sum you up. And she had a pic of my son. THAT is what bugged me. That my son's pic would sum up HER, the mom who barely took care of him.Anyway, she has since replaced the pic with one of Marilyn Monroe!! I talked to my counselor at Robin's Nest and she said, "Um, just stop looking at the birth mother's MySpace page if it bugs you so much."And I was like, well that IS a good point:)Being a mommy is not always rational, ya know? It's emotional.

I understand that sense of entitlement and anger you feel. Especially given the circumstances of the adoption. You are his mother and if you feel what she did crosses the boundaries in your relationship than I'd mention it to her so it doesn't happen again.

But if I look at it from the other side and imagine myself as the birthmother I know that the child I gave birth to (even if i couldn't parent) would be a representation of my life, of me, to the very core. Placing my child or loosing my child to the state if anything would probably have been the biggest most defining moment of my life and while I'd always accept that my child had other parents and respect them and the life they are providing for my/their child. In my heart that child would always be a huge part of ME, in every part of me, and every thought, action, every single aspect of my life. I would see it completley natural to WANT to share pictures of my child and how beautiful and wonderful they are. I'd feel so proud of the amazing little person I helped bring into the world and would be amazed to see myself inside their features and know that if my whole life was worthless, there was one thing, one perfect thing that I did right. Concieving, carrying and delivering such a perfect, gorgeous, amazing little person. I can't see how that little person couldn't be the perfect picture of the best part of me and my life (even if I weren't able to raise that child).

Suzie, Masterfully (and touchingly) stated. Thanks for that wonderful perspective. Jennifer