Feeling constantly judged....

Thank you all for the awesome advice! I do think it's time to have a serious conversation about boundaries, so the next time she comes over I plan to talk to her about it. It will be a hard conversation but after hearing all of your experiences, I know now that it really needs to happen. Especially since I talked to her today and she was talking about visiting DD at my mom's house after I go back to work! Completely inappropriate! I kept saying, "You know, my mom is going to be really busy" but she didn't get the point. I feel bad for saying this but I'm really scared to have this conversation before finalization. I feel like I'm with-holding which makes me feel manipulative. Should I wait?

[FONT=Times New Roman]I agree with Manni, talk , talk talk! You have an open adoption, now its time for open communication. If you do not take care of it now, it will only get worse. She will think she has the right to say what ever she wants and you will just take it. Thats not a healthy relationship, I would start by talking about mutual respect in the realtionship, what is acceptable and what is not. It may be scarry in the begining but it is needed for a healthy relationship in your futures,[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] God Bless and hoping for the best for the two of you ![/FONT]:love:

I agree with rredhead.

Yes I would wait until finalization. All the best, Manni:flower:

I said wait in my previous post since it was so early in the relationship, maybe she was having a hard time letting go and it would work itself out but I wouldn't wait until finalization. It's not like you are going to have this honest, open conversation and she will then take the baby back. If she is planning to visit your DD while at daycare (grandma's), and possibly criticize how your mom is caring for the baby, I think maybe the talk should happen now. I'd be gentle but firm. Let her know it's been bothering you a lot but you didn't want to upset her but you are getting resentful, etc. Hopefully she will be receptive to what you are saying. Like everyone else said, good boundaries are so important. Good luck!

ok this is probably not going to be popular with some, but I think this poster is right! You haven't even had time to bond with the baby and feel like mom. Why is the birthmom visiting so often?? Ultimately ya'll have to do what YOU feel comfortable with, but I would not want this frequent contact. It's almost like the birth mom wants to have her cake and eat it too. She has you doing the parenting and taking the responsibility and she gets to come over and go "goo goo gaa gaa" over the baby, feel like a mom for a little while, tell you what you are doing wrong and then leave. Not to say that she has it easy by any means. I don't know that this is best for her either! Seeing the baby all the time and not being able to parent or make any decisions. I don't know. DO what you feel is best for you and your family.

I agree with Magic Hat, an open and honest conversation isn't going to make her want to take the baby back. IMO waiting just because of finalization is manipulative, because it seems as if you are afraid to be honest until she has no recourse to react. If she's sure about her decision, she is SURE. No conversation with my DD's mom would have made me change my mind 8 weeks in, I was that sure. My initial thought, and I know this is hard, is to TRY to take adoption out of the equation. I'm sure she isn't the only one who's put in their constant .02 about the baby so far. I know plenty of mother in laws that have been known to act the same ;) It's harder to hear it from your daughter's birthmom because you have such a unique and new relationship that still has kinks in it, as all new relationships do. It's hard because of her role in your DD's life. I also agree with Magic when she said this could be her way of processing things and proving she could be a good parent had she gone down that route. She sounds young, maybe she wants to impress upon you that she can take that route, but she isn't seasoned enough to know a lot about babies? You said before that she was always "blunt." If she was blunt before placement, is it possible she is being blunt now? She may not even realize that she's doing it. Some people are born without the appropriate filter. Regardless, you are entitled to how you feel, and you should not feel that you are being judged, not by b-mom or a mother in law or anyone. You ARE her mom, no matter what they say or how often anyone visits. Enjoy that!!!! If you feel that way, you owe it to her and your daughter to be honest now. There is NOTHING WRONG with setting boundaries to make this relationship work. Boundaries are healthy and necessary. But if you yes her to death until finalization and then suddenly the day after you appear with the boundary talk, she may mistake that change in demeanor as the relationship changing because of the finalization, which isn't the case. It plays upon her worst fears and stereotypes in an OA that once the papers are signed, everything changes. You are building something that will hopefully be a lifelong bond, it's new and challenging, but remember why OA was an important choice for you and have faith in that. Have faith in her and her choice and talk to her now. I think she'd respect you more for it. I would. Good luck!!!

Amilynn22: What you can do, to avoid feeling guilty, is simply tell her: " I'm not comfortable with you going to my mom's to see the baby" or any other time she brings up visits that aren't planned. In regards to she criticizing you, tell her: " I appreciate your advice, but I have it under control". I'm sure she'll get the message. Remember we teach people how to treat us! All the best, Manni:flower:

I have to agree with brown eyes. It would feel like a betrayal if you suddenly changed everything after finalization. Remember you are building a relationship that will last a lifetime. Starting it off honestly is important.

how you enjoy having her see the baby and all, but you aren't comfortable with the grilling, because what you are doing is in your child's best interest. How old is the bmom? If she's young a gentle talk will do good. If she's not, having a chat about parenting decisions and boundaries should hit home. The sooner you have the "talk" the better it is for everyone. [url=http://www.duiattorneyorangecountyca.com]Best Attorney[/url]

What she did wrong was step over her boundary into your parenting methods. Asking questions about developmental mile stones isn't a issue though. If you have a problem with constantly answering question about when a baby is supposed to first hold their head up, when I baby first rolls over, when a baby can sit up, etc......then direct her a baby informational book or some good articles on baby developmental milestones on the net. If she wants to know that bad she can easily read up on it. What you did wrong was not address this issue with her when it first came up. Better to nip these issues in the butt the minute they show up, before resentment or ill feelings can set in.

I agree 100% with HONESTY now and not manipulation at the very beginning or ever.

I also have to agree with rredhead on this one. I am not an aparent but it was hard enough wth MIL, I cannot magine what it must be like for an aparent. Not only that as someone else said you need to time to be the parent and not feel micromanaged. Pehaps setting up a better schedule as far as visits go and setting boundries are in order. I know that as an aparent you are so grateful and care about bmom but unless you are able to set boundries and communicate it is going to make for a sticky future. To me this is one of the reasons where I have a difficult time with OA, but that is a whole different subject. It just seems like sometimes it would come across as coparenting.. I am not sure how often bmom is visiting but perhaps you can space visits out a little more. Don't forget too that right now bmom is learning to trust you too so perhaps you both need a break. This is why it is good to start now because you do not want to be one of those aparents that is so frustrated as resentment has built by finalization that you feel that is your only freedom so you automatically decided to make drastic changes. I am not suggesting that this is what you are planning or doing but I can see where lack of mutual understanding, honesty and communication is vital from the start. EZ

I'm a pretty new member and must say I am amazed at all the good advice on these boards. I would have to say that it would make me very uncomfortable for her to make those remarks and I would try and back off on the visits if possible and it's YOUR mother's right to say she is not welcome in HER home when the baby is with her - that is firm. Good luck - and enjoy your blessing wo any guilt - you are that child's mother and what others have to say about your parenting does not affect that relationship one iota!

If it were my friend talking about her baby, taking adoption out of the picture... I would be concerned about the baby having to deal with diaper rash, too. Not that you are not taking care of the baby, it would be more like... "Poor kid, I hope he/she recovers soon. It must feel terrible." (My friend swears by petroleum jelly, btw. She says it adds a layer of protection against the dampness of a dirty diaper & her son never had a diaper rash.) Also, I'm not the biggest fan of Winnie the Pooh, so I might scrunch up my nose if my friends said that they were dressing up their child as Piglet to me... but that's just my automatic reaction to a cartoon that drove me nuts when I was a kid. It might not be as personally directed as you think. She must think you're a great mother, since she's entrusting her birth child to you for life. After all, the bottom line is that she thinks you're better suited to be a mother than she is. Well, that's just my two cents. Good luck.