I found her...

The only advice I have if there are any concerns, is to always try to see where she is coming from before trying to figure out what you may have done - most of the times it is simply being overwhelmed and using the most basic instinct of all - protection. Kind regards,Dickons

Rose, Congrats on finding your daughter! I've had an up/down relationship with my bd for 11 years, and if I had it to do over again I would do the following: Let HER set the pace. Be there to listen. You may want to give advice, but wait for her to ask for it. Try not to overanalyze. There will be times when she pulls away or reacts unexpectedly... many times it won't be because of you, and you can't help her with it. Just try to support where she is. She has to reconcile your place in her established family. Of course, this is all just my opinion... your experience may be different. Hang on for the ride... :woohoo: Soprano

Thank you...I don't know why I am so scared. This weekend she went home to see her family...I wished her a great time. I told her I would talk to her Monday, that I wanted to hear all about it. She seemed cool with that. I know that spending the weekend with her adopted family may change things, just hope it is for the good. Her adoptive Mother encouraged her to look for me, she always knew she was adopted. I just cannot see how they would discourage her now, except there is a back story of course. Her bio dad and I were in a long term relationship after she was born. Shortly after she was born, I had another daughter. Unfortunatly, he was very abusive to me, actually, we were together for 21 years, 19 of those years were pure hell. He died about 2 years ago. I have been away from him for 10 years now, it did take me about 5 years just to 'recover' from all those years of abuse. He talked me into giving her up, I am not blaming him, I went along with it, crying the whole time. I really did have some kind of 'break down' afterwards. Giving her up was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I only stayed with him because my second daughter, she was a Daddy's girl, I knew I would 'lose' her too, I had to be there to raise her. Well, he started to turn her against me when she was 2. We had a good relationship for the most part of her entire growing up. But when she was 18, I was going to leave, but things happened, she was hurt in an accident, then a month later, I was really hurt in an accident. Months of recovery, I could not leave. He was terrible to me, terrorized me. She defended me, but he threw her out, I could do nothing, since I was in a full torso brace and walking with a walker, I could not drive. He did let her back after a few days of me begging. But then after, she and I did get even closer, which was great. But then, he knew I was getting a settlement from my accident, when I told him he could not have it all, he was even worse. He turned her into a hate monger just like him, I dont understand. I still dont. I had to leave, I thought I would be dead if I didnt, by his hand or my own. Since then, she will not have a relationship with me, he told her lies after lie. I never once bad mouthed him to her though, since he is her father and it would only hurt her, not him. I try and try to get in touch with her, and she ignores me totally now. My heart is broken. I did start to look for the child I surrendered, way before my other daughter and I had our problems, so I was not looking for one to replace the other. I had to make that clear to her. I did not want her to think that, because it was not true. The first time we talked, I did not want to tell her about him or even her sister, but she asked, I could not start out lieing, since I am not good at it and I just owed her the truth. It hurt me terribly to tell her the truth, about why I gave her up, my life after, her abusive father, Of course I did not tell her all the details of the abuse. But it still had to hurt her, I did not want her to think I was just bitter about him either, I was in such a pickle, not knowing what to say. So I was delicate as I can be and told her the truth. In the past week, we have emailed back and forth, trying to get in touch with my other daughter too, to tell her she has a sister. She would not respond, I wanted to tell her first, before I told the rest of my family. No one knew, except for my new husband. Well, I decided it was not fair to D or to me, so I started to tell all of my family, and they have been remarkably supportive and happy for us. I feel so blessed that way. So that is why I am scared. I do not want to turn her off. I am trying to give her space. Talk of us meeting has not come up at all yet. I did tell her I have a guest room I am redoing, if she ever comes here. I live about 600 miles away from her now. I am trying so hard. I did send her a package already, things for her, the baby and her spouse, just small things, with a card for each, telling them how happy I am to have them in my life and how I want to get to know them. It was the baby's birthday last month and her birthday on Tuesday. I also bought her a nice gift that is beind delivered on her birthday. I bought her a new camera, since her is broken, so it is kind of a selfish gift, this way I can get lots of new pictures. lol. She has been taking them with her phone and sharing and many older pictures. She has been very giving that way, so kind. She is remarkable, actually. I feel so blessed, I just do not want to lose her, I am happy just being able to know how she is. I do not ever expect her to call me Mom, she has one of them, I just want to be there anyway I can, does this make sense? Thank you for your kind words everyone. I hope and pray, that you get what you want in your life too. Rose

Rose, Sorry to hear you have had a life filled with abuse (you'll find you're not alone there, either). I hope your second daughter gets some perspective as she matures, but you have no control over that. Your fear is normal. This is all very new. Sounds like you're doing just fine in establishing a connection with your daughter and her family. You go, girl! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Soprano

Hi, I am soo happy that you have found your bdaughter but so sad to hear of the abuse. I am a reunited adoptee. My bmom passed away 4 years before I had found her so my reunion is with my birth siblings. Some of the best advice I have received is to take things slowly. Everything seems so overwhelming at first and emotions run high. I know you and your daughter are very excited so it is very easy to let reunion take over everything in your lives right now. But it is also important to take some steps back too to absorb things. I think brief explanations about how her adoption came about and also why your other daughter is estranged right now should be enough for now. The important thing is to get to know one another and then move forward. You can change the past, but you can enjoy your future! Many hugs, Snuffie

Hi Friends, Things are still going good between me and my found daughter. I have begun feeling comfortable using the 'L' word with her and she sometimes signs her emails with Love also. It is amazing to me. She is very kind and attentive to me, I do not feel worthy of that yet, hopefully one day. We email a few times a day at least, speak on the phone on the weekends, last time was for 2.5 hours, and she sends me pictures and videos nearly every day. She seems to want to be in my life as much as I want her in mine. But I am going slow, letting her take the lead. We have not talked about meeting yet, but she knows I have a problem at home, a sick husband, so I dont know if that has anything to do with it or not. Speaking of the hubby, he has been very supportive. We have been together for 10 years and I told him in the first year. He was the only person I ever told, until recently. My family, for the most part, has been very good about everything. My sister, of course, has had to make trouble, interferring in my life. I trusted her and she broke that trust again. I cannot deal with her now and let her ruin my happiness, I will not risk my relationship with my daughter for anyone. My other daughter, she still will not respond to me, I was forced to tell her about her sister in an email, I did not want her to find out from someone else. I asked, no begged her to call me, but no calls or anything. How can one child that brought me so much sorrow, bring me so much joy; And the other child that brought me so much joy, bring me so much sorrow? I just do not understand her. I cannot ever give up on her, just like I never gave up on my surrenedered child, but I cannot let her anger interfere with my new relationship either. If that makes any sense... D is on vacation this week, a 5 day trip, I told her I would miss her and talk to her when she got back, but she emailed me to let me know how it is going and tells me via Twitter about their days. I just did not expect that, it is so nice. She and I are a lot alike. So many things in common. Everyday, we learn something new. It has been an incredible experience for me so far. Snuffie, I am so sorry your birth mother passes before you found her. Enjoy your time with your siblings. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I am taking all of your's advice, going slow. If it was up to me, I would jump in my car and drive the 600 or so miles to see her, but I will wait for the invite. We did celebrate her 30th birthday together the best we could. I baked a cake for her, decorated it, candles and all and called her and took picutres of the cake and emailed it to her. She was touched. It was wonderful to be able to celebrate on her birthday instead of crying. For therapy for myself, I have begun writing for eHow.com, a 3 part series on adoption search. If you want to check it out, here is a link, let me know what you think. I get so emotional though, I do not know how good it is. [url=http://www.ehow.com/how_5424798_search-making-decision-do-search.html]How to Search for an Adult Child you gave up for Adoption - A 3 Part Series, Part 1 Making the Decision to do the search | eHow.com[/url] I will keep in touch. Good luck to you all and thanks again for the encouraging words. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for and deserve! Love & Peace, Rose

Rose, you say you don't know why you're scared, but it seems very obvious to me. You lost her once (through adoption), and your other daughter has pulled away from her relationship with you. I think you have every reason to be scared, whether rational or not. That said, I'm really glad you're having such a great reunion so far. Just remember (as some others have said), it is possible that there will be some pull back once this "honeymoon" period is over. There's a lot of great information on this forum about the various stages of reunion and the various things people go through. I would suggest you read as much of that as you can. That way, if some of those things do start happening, you will realize that it is part of a natural process, you're not the only one it's happening to, it's not because of you, and it doesn't mean you're losing her. Of course, none of that may happen in your reunion, and I hope it doesn't, but you should know about it and be prepared in case it does so that it maybe doesn't hurt as much and you can keep looking forward to a good relationship. Good luck!