Should I see the baby?

If you are not 100% sure this is what you want, do not make any irreversable decisions until you are. You owe that to you and your child. Your sister, her partner, and everyone else do not have to live with your decision, you do. This is the single most important thing you will ever decide, do it on YOUR terms!!! I can't tell you how important that is. I'm glad you are going to a therapist about this. Also remember there is no time line, no one says you have to place at birth. Take as much time as you need, even if it means parenting for a bit. The ONLY way I think I survived my journey as a birthmom is that I was 100% sure of my decision, and still am, and one of the biggest reasons why is because I did it on my terms. I had to sleep at night with the consequences, no one else would. I hope you give yourself the opportunity to have that piece of mind as well :grouphug:

This, unfortunately, is not always true. I am a therapist that works with adopted children. Some of the things that adoptive parents say about their children's birth parents have made my hair curl. Some adoptive parents actually diminish the birthparents in order to elevate themselves. I have seen it all too often. Not all adoptive parents act this way, but I think it is important to know that some are not honoring.

This is something I worry about. When I first met the parents they seemed very nice and caring and like I've said before they just seem to be really good people. As I'm getting closer to my due date I only talk to one parent and it almost just feels like a business deal, nothing emotional about it. The other parent came to one of my sonograms and just didn't act like she cared about being there, like it was nothing special, and then seemed a little disappointed when the doctor said it was a boy.

I haven't read every post and I am mother through adoption so I haven't been in your situation, but if I were the potential family (they're not the adoptive family until YOU make a parenting decision as to how your child will be raised) I think it is incredibly important that you do what YOU need to do for the sake of YOU and YOUR child. This is no one else's decision but yours. And from my two experiences being the possible adopting parent, it was not only important for the first mothers of my children to take whatever time they needed after the birth ~ whether it be hours, days, weeks ~ to make this decision (we only met them a few days before their child was born so it wasn't the same as your situation), but it was important for me to know that I had given them every opportunity to make their own decision as to how thy wanted their child parented. You sound very kind even in your anger, to even consider the feelings of this waiting couple, or your family members. But I can tell you from knowing many, many friends give birth over the years, all of them to a tee made decisions about how the birth should go based on what they wanted, not on the needs of others. And that should be your primary focus. This is your child until you decide otherwise after the birth. How do you want things to go at the time of the birth? Can you handle just putting any possibility of adoption on hold until you've given birth and held your son and spent time with him? It doesn't sound like trying to keep up the relationship with this potential family is doing anything except causing you stress. And if it were me, I would rather find out now that you were having second thoughts than after the birth. I could start doing the work of moving forward and in the end, if you decide that indeed this was the family you wanted your child to be with, then contact them after you make your decision of whether or not you really want to place your child in another family. This is your time, your baby. If you are not 100% sure about this family or even about adoption, you don't have to make the decision now. I encourage you to take back your power to make this decision as your child's parent and be kind to yourself by letting go of worrying how others will feel about what you do. I know that's easier said than done. But I wouldn't want you to regret your decision in the long run. I would suggest if you haven't done so already (you may have mentioned it but I haven't read every post, or may have missed it) I would encourage you to find someone outside the world of adoption, a professional, to speak with about not only ALL your options, but all your feelings and emotions now and in the future. I wish you well.

Do not ever feel obligated to give your baby to anyone, for any reason. You can plan for adoption now, but that doesn't mean you need to have your mind firmly made up. Once your child is born, you may change your mind and it is your right to do so. Definitely look into ALL your options, including parenting this child. You can take this baby home and see how things go, you certainly don't have to have a decision made right away. And holding your child is not going to make it any harder for you to make your decision if you go with adoption. The nurses tried to tell me that line of b.s. and I thankfully ignored them. Holding my son was the best thing I did (besides having him!) and it would have hurt far worse if I didn't have that time to get to know him and for him to get to know me. I know for many adoptees, it's a huge thing to know their first mother held them. I wish I knew back then that I would need to make my decision AGAIN after I had my son. I had my mind set on adoption and thought I was so prepared and ready for it, and was NOT prepared for the strong bonding after I had him. I did not sign papers right away, because I needed to take as much time as I felt necessary to know FOR SURE that this was the best decision for me and my son under the circumstances I was in. Do not let anyone make you feel like you "owe" them your baby. Stay strong and tell them to go pound sand. This is a life-altering decision that is final. You have to be ABSOLUTELY sure and if you have any doubts, you need to honor that.

Please trust your gut. I see so many red flags with this situation.

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT] You absolutely need to see your baby, hold your baby. I am a birthmother, my firstborn son was born in 1979. I was not allowed to see or hold my baby when he was born. When he was 3 weeks old I was allowed a SHORT visit with him at the maternity home. My biggest regret was that I was so young, with no guidance, did not know that I had the right to see and hold him when he was born. It haunts me that my tiny baby was abandoned by me, from the moment he was born. I was only 15, the decision for adoption was completely mine, and I knew I was making the right choice. Yet the fact that I did not hold him still hurts, 30 years later. Giving my son up was the hardest thing I have EVER done. If you are not sure about your decision, then you have not made the right one yet. Do not let anyone other than yourself be the reason for choosing adoption. In 10, 20 years, the people you are worried about hurting now will be just fine, will have gone on with their lives. You, however, will be living with the loss of your child. Realize, if you choose adoption, the moment you place your baby in their arms, you are taking their pain of being unable to have a child, and taking it onto yourself, as the pain for the child you gave away, pain that WILL NEVER go away. Yes, you may go on to have a very happy and fullfilling life, with many more blessings. But, the pain in your heart and soul will be there forever for your missing child. Please take the time to make the right decision for you and your child. Good luck to you. Susie

Hello, I am a birthmom and I strongly suggest you see and hold your baby after he is born. When my son was born he stayed in the room with me even overnight, the whole time I was in the hospital. I fed him and changed him. The a-parents came every day but they would leave the room if I had family or friends come to see me and the baby, which really helped. Holding him and seeing him really helped me in saying goodbye, and in a way letting him know that I do love him. It is your decision if you want them in there or not obviously, but I think you should spend as much time with your baby as you wish or you will regret it. I think that going to counseling is a great idea. I went to counseling before and after I had my son, it helped alot. There were times I was angry but mostly jealous that they would get to see him grow up and be there at every moment. I think researching all of your options and the resources out there will help you out alot if you choose not to place. I did hear that the fire dept. might have car seats available, I think you just have to fill out paperwork proving that you are in need of it. One thing that also helped me while I was in the hospital was, I wrote a list of reasons why I was choosing adoption and if I felt angry or sad I would read it to help remind me. I hope that everything works out the way that you want it to.

Hi lp198720003 I was just wondering how things are going??

Hi lp19872000,My daughter thought long and hard about adoption for her son. This pamphlet helped her and her dad and I to look at her situation more objectively. The emotions run high. I could not sleep for weeks. I can't begin to imagine what she was going through.[FONT=Arial] [URL="http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1"]"What you should KNOW if you're considering adoption for your baby"[/URL][/FONT][URL="http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1"]http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1[/URL]Honestly, I get the impression that you got swept up in your sister's enthusiasm to help out her friends. Is it possible that now that the reality of your child is closer you are beginning to weigh your options without your sister's influence?I agree with the other posters, your sister is very wrong about not seeing your baby. You should spend as much time with your baby as you need to be sure about your decision.Happy G'Ma

I just had my sweet baby girl 1 month ago. The adoption is very open. I chose to have the A mother in the room with me, and I did take my baby home for the 3 days.The adoptive parents came over 2 of the 3 days to help me. They were very supportive and provided me with lots of love and support cause they knew how hard this was for me. I took tons of pics, and had family and friends see her. It was the best 3 days I have ever had. Its your choice, but you should know at 1st the plan was right when I had her to let them take her home, but once I delivered it changed. I wanted those 3 days for me cause they would have her for a lifetime. Take the time to cherish your sweet baby, and to have the time with him that you can. I still remember how she smells, the faces she would make, the sounds and how soft her skin is. I am so greatful to have those days with her, and I will be able to tell her about it when the time comes. Good luck to you love. Wishing you the best!!

I had my son in the room with me as long as I could. If I hadn't I wouldn't have been able to do, I even had the adoptive parents there to because I was able to see what they were like with him so I could be sure that they were the parents for him

I had the adoptive parents at every single appointment after i met them. I also had them at the hospital when I went into labor (Both times...oh yeah, went into labor twice) and allowed them to cut the umbilical cord. I always said I didn't want to hold Carson, but it was instinct to do so. Everything came natural. Just know that is your time with baby, no one elses. The A Parents will have plently of time with your child...be as SELFISH as you can be in those couple days...I think you would regret not doing it.

I reliquished my baby over 20 years ago. I wish I had spent every moment holding her and just taking in the precious moments we had together. Those memories are few but so precious to me. My only regret was not holding her more. This is a one of the hardest decisions you will ever make in your life. Take the time you have to examine your feelings and be sure of your decision. Counseling can help. If adoption is the right decision for you then holding your baby won't change that decision. You sound conflicted about giving up your baby for adoption. Don't allow anyone to pressure you into a decision. This is something that you need to be right with. Other people's feelings on this subject are irrelevant. This is about what is best for you and your baby. Take the time you need and be sure of your decision. This is a lifetime decision.

But as an Adoptee who was denied being held or seen by my Bmom I can tell you this is something that cuts deep into my soul and something I will simply have to accept and live with for the rest of my life. My Bmom didn't even know my sex until I was placed in the arms of my Aparents. How can you say "Good bye" without first saying "Hello". I am in no way against adoption but I do feel it should be a choice when then there are absolutely no other options. You owe no one YOUR baby. This is absolutely between you and YOUR baby. Aparents know of these risks going into adoption and in no way am I suggesting to be insensitive but this decison will have life lng impacts on you and your baby who has no choice in this matter. Please I am begging you as an adoptee that was belessed with the greatest Aparenst in the world, to not let anyone guilt you or force you into making a decision of this magnatude. I see you are going to speak to a therapist, I hope that you will atleast have a chance to better sort out your feelings and explore your options. I quoted what Bromanchik posted because this is so true. Trust that these PAPs will be blessed with a baby if it is meant to be, this does not mean that it has to be your baby. EZ I replied and saw this was an older post after the fact. How are things going?