adoptee in family with bio child

In my family, I had one older brother who was my parents biological son and my other brother was adopted like me. I don't think any of us had a problem with that. I felt pretty equal to my oldest brother who was not adopted. We were never made to feel inferior or different. I think our family situation was good for all of us. We all learned that it didnt matter where we came from, that we were all loved equally by our parents.

My mom and dad had two bio sons after they adopted me. My brothers, and they are my real brothers forever, never thought of me as too different, I was there first, ha ha. As kids we did talk about me being adopted when mom and dad weren't around to interupt, it didn't matter, but we talked/joked about it. Stuff like I was found under a rock, dropped off by a UFO, cabbage patch..... my mom was a secret spy, or my dad was this or that, it was funny, aggravated me in many ways, but it was still usually funny. I remember thinking it was better to be me than them, they were kind of boring, was not as exciting about how they joined the family versus how I did. I was even in the paper on Christmas Eve - "Live Doll For Christmas" I liked reading that article when I was a kid, now it just makes me want to PUKE violently. My Mom was and still is the most fair mother in the world in every way with us. Didn't treat me differently when that was possible. But sometimes I wonder if they all didn't loose out some. In my family with my kids we end up talking "biology" often in so many ways. We celebrate our bio similarities, joke and tease about how you might grow up like wierd uncle Bob, and heredity, same toes, smile, eyes..... when they are "bad" I say... geesh, you are just like your father. My mom and dad couldn't do that so much with me around, and be "fair" or sympathetic about my missing bio family traits. kwim? Although they did include me, you got your adopted aunts talent in art, you have your agrandmothers eyes, you are good at math like your adad. It was cool as a kid, but when I got older I got the big "ohhhhh" moment. One of my favorite stories: I called my youngest brother, he was 35, I was 40, and said: hey Bro, I found my mother. he said, "what do you mean? Where did she go?" He had forgotten I had another mother. I liked it, a lot. He was the first one I told. I hope my brothers are as proud of me as I am of them.

I have an older sister who is biological. We had no concerns whatsoever growing up, however, she is 6 years older so there was always a bit of a buffer zone. I must also admit that my adoption was never a focus in the family (because we were preoccupied with other issues), but nevertheless I never felt jealous or resentful that she was biological. On the flip side I also never felt like I was treated special because of the adoption. Now that I think about it a little more, I think maybe sometimes she feels inadequate because I was a higher achiever than her, but I think there's a possibility of this occurring whether you adopt or not! I think you should go for it. Always be aware that you have two very different children with different needs - but just treat them fairly and you'll be fine!

I wasn't as fortunate as some of the others to have a good relationship with my adoptive family...long story so I won't go into details. But, I will say this. I think you should adopt if that is what you want. The most important thing to remember is to never treat them differently because they are adopted. Treat them just like you would your biological daughter and always make her feel included in everything that you do.

Thank you all for your thoughtful input. I appreciate all of your comments. I am sorry, Sunnylove, about your experience. I will certainly take all of your advice to heart. I am going to an adoption conference this weekend and I will be thinking about everything all of you have told me. Love to all of you.

Thanks. I hope everything works out for you and good luck!

BETHVA6- w2onder if your very fair amother will be as fair should you chose to allow her to enter the picture of your life-fc

FC, I 'm not sure what you are saying? My amom has always been in the picture of my life, I wouldn't have it any other way. She makes the picture of my life even more beautiful. She tries like no one else I know to be fair with her kids and grandkids time and the relationships they have with other family. Does she struggle a little watching us juggle her and dad with in-laws and bfamily, sure, who doesn't? It's the trying part of being fair that counts with me. I'm still not sure what you meant or how to answer that one FC LOL

Beth, I don't understand FC's posts very often and seldom see her return to clarify. Kind regards,Dickons

i agree with dickons...and a personal attack months later is strange... beth, i've never seen you say anything but good things about your amom.... oh well, Merry Christmas everyone!

well glad it's not just me LOL I tried It's OK whatever it was meant to be. I'd rather see my brothers and sisters of adoption direct their anger at me here instead of someone in their daily lives or inward. I get it and I can take it, and if I can't all I have to do is turn this thing off LOL

I think you totally hit on it that it could go either way. My story is way complicated, however I did feel that in my family the biological child was the miracle child due to all the difficulties my adoptive mother had bearing a child and I was the child that wasnt really wanted or loved. I have a friend that was adopted and she feels that she was closer than the biological children to their parents. She was the baby of the family and so the parents were able to give her more attention and definitely instilled in her a sense that she was wanted. She was conceived by an affair an uncle had and so she knew who her bio father was but she had such a close relationship with her adoptive parents that it sounds like she views her birth parents more in the way that a child would view a dead-beat parent, she has no interest in having a relationship with them. I have a stepson, 3 bio children and weҒve talked about adopting. I think whether you are parenting a step child, a bio child, or an adoptive child you have to do all you can to build up that childs self-esteem, and be present and loving enough that they never question that you love that. Do those things and it doesnҒt matter whether they are bio or adopted. We all know people that were raised by bio parents that hate their parents. I think the hardest part will be helping your family to make the transition to 2nd child. My son was 22 months old when I had twin sons and it was tough. We make sure to include him and to spend alone time with him and he is close to his brothers. If you have it in your heart to love a child that did not come from your womb and your family doesnt feel complete yet, than you should adopt. It is important to be honest and do age appropriate information about where an adopted child came from, however, when parents are thoughtful, supportive and nurturing I donҒt think it matters where the child came from. Good luck.