Unsure...

Hi: I'm an adoptee and I call my aparents "mom and dad", my children call both my aparents and bparents "grandma and grandpa". I call my bparents by their first names. - Manni:flower:

It's unfortunate that your a-parents are so unsupportive, and by the sounds of it, feel threatened by you having a relationship with your b-parents, particularly your b-dad. Really, it reflects more upon their own insecurities, not you. So it's up to you to decide to what extent you want to take on 'responsibility' for their reactions of insecurity. The way I was able to sort out my emotional 'allegiances' was to think of both family sides as a bunch of individuals. I also compared the balancing act to similar situations of balancing step-parents and parents - it's possible to love several 'parents' at the same time. In other words, if you feel a closeness to your b-dad, then feel free to form a relationship with him. If you don't feel close to your a-mom, then that's the way it is. Take your relationships and the closeness you feel on an individual basis and recognize that you might or might not feel close to some members of your family (whichever side), that's reality and that's OK. I sense that you feel somehow that your b-dad having had a 'raw deal' by missing out on time with you means that somehow you must make that time up with him, i.e. in terms of your holidays? Remember, making up for lost time is really not your responsibility. IMO how you decide to divvy up your time and with whom should really be based upon what you feel is best for YOU. If you still feel uncomfortable with that criteria, then I'd say just divvy it up 50:50 - at least that's a fairly straightforward equitable approach. Think of it in another way. If you have a spouse, or if you did, how did you divvy up your time between the in-laws and upon what criteria/basis? Was it due to making up for lost time? A sense of obligation? Or a genuine sense that you do want to spend time with them? As for what to call your b-parents, I'd say that the trend among adoptees is to call them by their first names. My b-parents had died before I met them, so I don't have that experience. In terms of explaining them to your children, I'm not sure what would be best. Perhaps you could refer to your a-parents as Nonna/Mom and Poppa/Dad and call your b-parents Mother/Grandmother and Father/Grandfather? The heart of the problem appears to be rivalry between your sets of parents - or if not them, then perhaps a sense of guilt on your part and therefore feelings of being torn. I would encourage you to explore these possible emotional angles a bit more since I imagine that it's not so much the actual time spent and with whom, but what it signifies/symbolizes to you, that matters. As for your a-parents not being very supportive - it sounds like they don't understand, let alone appreciate and support, your need to be with your b-dad. Perhaps tell them that you acknowledge that your reunion is difficult for your a-parents (everyone likes to have their feelings acknowledged) but also assert that it's still important for you to spend time with your b-family. Also, forward them the following web link [URL="http://reunion.adoption.com/search-reunion/why-adoptees-search.html"]Why Adoptees Search - Special Needs, Article, Children, Hope, Information, One, Parent, Parents, Que[/URL] to encourage them to try to better understand reunion issues/dynamics. If your a-parents still object, just repeat, "I know this is difficult for you. However, I still want to form a relationship with them and will do so. And please remember that my feelings for them will never replace my feelings towards you." (Don't feel that you have to justify yourself, 'tho). Reunion can bring up all kinds of insecurities and seemingly 'irrational' behavior for all people in the adoption triangle. Consequently I think the best way to deal with these insecurities is to read up on their complexities in order to first gain a better understanding. I used to feel more afflicted by guilt and "shoulds" (eg. because person XYZ is from your a/b-family, you should feel this way about them). I decided in the end that whom I form relationships with is more a result of my genuine feelings for them as people, rather than their formal titles (biological, step or otherwise). Having worked through my guilt, I feel more at ease with my decisions and more comfortable in honoring what I feel is best for me and why. I hope this info helps and all the best to you in your post-reunion journey!

Thank you so much for that response. I think it really helped what you said. You are so right that it shouldn't matter what their "title" is in my family, but the relationship that I have with them.

I do feel that my birthfather got a raw deal out of everything. The choice was taken away from him and he wanted me. I do sometimes feel like I need to make up lost time with him although with my age and his age, I know I have plenty of time to do this.

I do not have a very good relationship with my birthmother and at times feel guilty for spending more time with my birthfather than my birthmother or talking to him more. However, in my mind, my birthmother made choices but not only that, continued to make choices after I was gone and when she had 3 more babies. She looks at life like everyone is against her and she is always right but no one else is. I love her for giving me life, but that relationship is just not there. We did have a few good conversations over the past few days which I am very very grateful for.

As for the in-laws thing.... I am married. We spend much more time with my family than we do with my husband's. It is so difficult to spend time with them due to the way they act a lot of time so we just don't since it makes things so hard on us and puts a strain on my relationship with my husband. We really don't go 50/50 with them. I actually don't remember the last HOLIDAY that we saw them for.

Thanks for putting things into perspective for me.