Relationship or Information? Why? Help!

I have no idea either, except her issue is with the way she feels about herself, and not you. It can't be. I am so sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone!

Kind regards,Dickons

Dickons, First, I understand the given up position - my family dumped me in foster care for most of my childhood, so abandonment is something I get. Age 12 to almost 19 I lived with fosterparents and then just my daughter and I. I still have no answers and my father is dead and my mother, well, to put it kindly, we do not speak, her choice. Second, I can not give her the answers she wants if she refuses to discuss the questions. It is as if she thinks if she asks the hard questions that I will just run away! Not a chance. I have never ever attempted to completely leave, just to step back and sort myself out. As for going to her - it was over 6 years of mostly silence, then the gimmee's and even midnight tearful calls because her current man was doing this or that. I guess what I am saying is this: How can I be a not-a-mother Mother, while she is screaming at me that I am not there; while I am doing my best and while I am being dragged around through the mud in public? I have never wanted anything as much as I wanted her. From conception she was loved. Her father loved her and I loved her. There was no talk of adoption between us, except in attempts to get our families to help get her out of the system (I was still a minor in the foster care system and they take automatic custody when a foster child gives birth). There was not a thought of abortion - ever. There was nothing but love. She was a breast fed, spoiled with love kid. I try to set ground rules and boundaries and she will not even try to come to an agreement. However, she will say she has and punish me for not doing things her way. So, how do I make this a good thing? How do I do more? How do I help her see that her problems are hers and while I would be the first one to give a hug or a shoulder or even my heart, I can't fix her! This is why a lot of mothers are afraid to search - that and the fear that we will interfere with what we were told would be our child's "perfect" life. Sigh

Silverwitch, You are her mother but not the mom who raised her and that may be part of the problem, you know the loyalty to her other mother and that is really a hard road. If she truly has issues then you need to protect yourself and stand firm. I will be here but will not allow myself to be trampled on and will hang up or leave or whatever the situation. But you cannot have harsh words back, simply walk away. As to negotiation of boundries, do it in writing back and forth and agree to the rules up front. Each of you need to read what the other says and then repeat it back in your words and have the other confirm. Then go to the next item and repeat. If she does not want to do that then you must again, protect yourself and not be part of a bad dialogue. I think that reunions have to be on terms of friendship and forget the role in the relationship, at least until the friendship is secure. You are pretty much strangers and you have to like each other before you can become friends. It isn't easy but if you feel that you are the bottom of the heap - you are the only one who can say enough. You may also have to drop your current myspace and blogging to protect your inner peace. Without peace neither of you will have a true relationship. Kind regards,Dickons

Silverwitch: I agree with Dickons. You can always try again but with boundries. All the best, Manni

:love: Always for my daughter.

Maybe I'm way off base here, but what if the issues are not all adoption related? Just throwing this out there for thought and in hopes it might help, because I remember your story Silver, and what was going on when several of us encouraged you to go visit her uninvited. We saw it as her crying for you, so to speak. This push-pull: I love you-I hate you could be more than just adoption issues. Have you read anything about borderline personality disorder? Did I understand you to say she has problems with her relationships with friends as well? I'm not a proffessional, but a common montra with BPDs is "I hate you. Please don't leave me." There are quite a few books on the subject of BPD, and several good websites with information and book list, as well as, support groups, etc. Put adoption on top of a personality disorder, or a personality disorder on top of adoption, and you have a very difficult person to deal with. Trust me. Hope this helps somehow. Again, I may be way off base. Just wanted to throw it out there for consideration.

Silverwitch, The quotes above are from two different posts by you in the same thread. It is one or the other, cannot be both. Regards,Dickons

Dickons, You had said something that made me think that you thought my blog was on myspace - it is not. Also, the ugliness on my blog started when I gave her what she wanted - to be left alone. She would leave nasty (very nasty) anonymous comments on my blogspot blog, until she outed herself to someone who told her it was none of her business. Once I was positive it was her I shut her down with the statement NO MORE and told her I would not tolerate her ugliness anymore and made it impossible to post to my blogspot anonymously. All of this occured when I attempted (each time) to remove myself from the line of fire. So, it is not the same - it was totally in response to my perception that you thought I was talking about a myspace blog, which can be made totally private. A blogspot can be made private, but it was started to help others understand the "mother" side of the reunion ride and I am not and will not quit living and hide because she wants to be childish.

Shadow, You are not way off base. At least as far as I can tell. The push/pull is apparent and I know that it is very possible that she is borderline personality. The only problem is simple: "how do you deal with it?" I don't know how to connect with her and stay comfortable with that connection. I just don't know how to deal and am trying to learn. Hmmmm.......

Just jumping in re:BPD The black and white thinking and relationships issues are really common in BPD and some of the hardest aspects of the illness to overcome. If she does indeed have BPD she'll deffinately need to seek some kind of help, it's something that's easy to deal with on your own, but you can deal. As far as what you can do just be there for her regardless. Let her know even when she pushes that you aren't leaving. This doesn't mean forcing yourself on her, just reassuring her that you are always there for her. It's hard and emotionally taxing, but if you tell her "Fine, I'm gone" the it just reinforces the abandonment issues that are commonly behind the push/pull. As far as reading goes, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" is a pretty good book on BPD, a little old, but good.

Perhaps that is part of your problem...your perception if it is anything like your perception of my words. "You may also have to drop your current myspace and blogging to protect your inner peace." Sorry Silverwitch, I'm done. Regards,Dickons

Trying to deal with someone, who has BPd, is a monumental task to say the least. IMO, not sure it's possible to deal with them and not lose your own sanity. I think the only thing you can do, if this is the case, is protect yourself with firm, and I mean extremely firm, boundaries. (easy for me to say, not so easily done with someone you love) The only thing I can suggest is that you check into some books and maybe find a support group. I hate to say this, but if a personality disorder is the case, she won't get better, and this wont ever stop, until, and unless, she gets prof help. Even then it's still going to be difficult for her and you. Not too uplifting I know. The only way to deal with it (IMO) is to accept it for what it is and learn all you can to help you understand BPD. IMO, if a personality disorder is the case, her behavior isn't really about you or the whole adoption issue. She is using adoption issues to make you her target. AS adoptees, when our Bparents, have behavioral issues, we are told not to take it personally. It works in reverse when it is the adoptee with the behavioral issues. You have to learn to seperate yourself from her behavioral issues. That's why I am encouraging you to get some outside help with learning to deal with her. It's too hard to do all by yourself, and it will help you become a stronger person as well. Again, I'm not a prof so take my advice for what it's worth, but I hope it helps.

I'm not an adoptee so take this for what it's worth...From reading this and several of your other threads over time, I think for whatever reason you both seem to almost thrive on this roller coaster of a reunion/emotions. She verbally abuses you and you pull away. She apologizes, you accept. She starts again, you pull away. Rinse Repeat, etc.Not trying to be harsh but honestly think it's time to simply say "this relationship is unhealthy for both of us" and your 2 options are - 1. get some counseling together with a therapist experienced in adoption/reunion 2. end the relationship.I also agree with Shadow...if what you post about her actions are accurate, then it doesn't sound like an emotionally stable person. There is a lot more going on then just abandonment or adoption issues. If that's the case, then no relationship can truly occur until she is properly diagnosed and gets help.I'm sorry you are going through this, but I think too at some point one has to stop the enabling and co dependent behavior. Don't allow yourself to be in this position. Easy to say and not do, I get that and I'm not trying to downplay that at all.

Silverwitch -- I'm pretty sure you and I talked about this a couple years ago. I'm sorry to hear that things are still so seriously messed up.The thing about personality disorders, not just BPD but all of them, is that they often cause distress to family members and friends, but not to the actual person suffering from them. A lot of times, people with personality disorders won't seek out therapy, simply because they don't feel the distress...unless they have other psych problems at the same time that *do* cause them inner pain and distress.I think Crick is right about the codependency factor. It sounds like your relationship has a lot of codependency aspects to it. It's easy to do -- I think many, many families in today's society are codependent to some extent.Personally, I wouldn't cut your daughter off -- I wouldn't banish her. A lot of people disagree with me, but I firmly believe in loving our reunited children unconditionally. Some of them carry repressed anger towards us, and many of them test us from time to time to see if we will walk away once again.That doesn't mean you have to put up with her bad behavior, though. Crick's suggestion of family counseling is an excellent one that I would pursue if I were in your shoes.