Birthparents- my birthmom is mad I contacted half sister (also adopted) HELP!

Amanda, Stop taking her issues on your shoulders. If she calls you to rant simply say...you signed the papers that took away your rights to have any say in who we want to know. I know that sounds mean but you were not doing anything wrong and you have every right to know her if that is what both of you want. You did nothing wrong and YOU cannot own any of your mothers regrets for HER actions - only she can own them and from your other postings she won't, again - her problem not yours. Kind regards,Dickons

Oh, and if I weren't such a wimp - I'd like to say to her what Dickons suggested! But I AM a wimp, which is why I typed the meekly explanatory route - not because I think you need to hold her hand through this issue!! Dickons is absolutely right - it's HER problem to deal with. (I'm just not that strong when dealing with confrontation sometimes!!!)

You don't need anyone's permission to have a relationship with any other adult, related or not. You have a right to seek out your siblings, and your birth mother doesn't hold the rights or the keys to that relationship. I would do your best to ignore her anger and just not make it something that interferes with your life or your choices. If I were you, I would do my best to make it clear to Steph that you are NOT a packaged deal (you and birth mom) and that you specifically hope that your relationship with your sister will be about what happens between you and not be affected by whatever may or not happen with your shared birth mother, before anything does or doesn't happen. Her anger doesn't concern me at all, only the possibility of interference with the connection you and Steph have made. Also, I wouldn't put toooo much stock in what your birth father told you he thinks *might* happen based on what he says your birth mother told him. The more people start passing around what someone else said or did or feels, the more conflict is stirred up, often unnecessarily. Maybe she was just venting to him and may actually behave herself and handle it well ultimately. We can hope, right?

I called my birthmom today telling her that I wanted to discuss her being angry with me. I left a message on her voicemail. She said in return in a LARGE text message : "This is how I want it to go. It feels more comfortable for me to call you when I am ready. Who says I'm angry? I never used that choice of words. If so, it validates your birthfathers disrespect for me. I haven't shown myself to be that way- he never told you what hurts me and what doesn't! Only I talk about me and my family, especially very private issues, and only I will decide whether or not to discuss them. Don't let me down and decide to to make that decision for me. You have been given a lot of misinformation about me. Never once have you come to me about anything. Your birthfather has been angry with me for many years and ay beautiful things about me or any of my accomplisments have been void to you! It's all been staged! It's a classic case of rejection...people do wierd things by that. You have no concept about how I'm feelings in terms of my childre, or you would never have chose to contact my daughter without my consent. Stefanie, to date, knows nothing about me." I texted her back telling her that I want to have this conversation over the phone...it's all so absurd. Oh guys I feel like I'm going to die. Really. I feel like crying, like running away forever. I can't deal with this anymore. Everyone elses problems always become mine.

amanda, You will take on others problems only if you let them. Youhave every right to contact and have a relationship with your sister. You are both adults and don't need mommy and daddy permission. Both your bmom and dad are sucking you intoi their problems and frankly their problems are nopt your business. You are being to nice and not self centerned enough. They have been adults a lot longer then you and should act it. As smart as you are amanda you are still a young adult that needs to gain more life experiance to deal with these two. Don't deal with them, don't be nice to them, do what YOU need to do to be happy. You are doing nothing wrong by wanting to know your sister. Continue on that route. Continue your college and enjoy young adult hood. Frankly I say the hell with them. THIS is why I am very leary of young peole having contact at a young age with bparnets in adoption.....you were what 15...what the heck!!! Its way to heavy for a youg child to deal with on a sane level so as a result you are taking on their issues, their self centernedness(poor me...look at what you are putting me throughBS) without being able to come to terms with your own experiance. Teens and youg adults have their jb to do to become well fuctioning adults if your bpaents or anyone else is trying to sabotage that because of their neediness, wants and guilt then you needto understand that and move on. Your adoption is about you and if they continue to make it about them then they are not dsesrving of your enregy and caring.....You have shown nothing but complete respect and caring....and you did it as a very young girl....many adoptee's at your age and younger react with anger and disprespect because they have no other frame of refence to deal with it...BECAUSE the true feelings ofthe adoptee are not explored often enough.... You are not resposible for your sisters reunion either. You have told her what you know..now thats it...dear bmom does;t like it tough...she created and had this child now she can do what she wants with her..it is NOT your responsibilty. You can listen you can beat your chest over it but DON"T take it on any more. You have a life to lead, things to see and do and stay roung the peole that really love you and accept you for the total you..NOT some piece of their issue or pain.... Now little missy, you lkisten to me..take the time to come back to yourself..and go from there. Enjoy your sister as you should and the hell with the rest ofthem edited to add...a big hug!

I agree with Dpen. I am a first mother and have well accepted that my bdaughter can have relationships with whomever she likes especially within my family..hell she can have a better relationship with the bfather than me if that's what she wants and I just have to suck it up. Do not ring her again. Put on the answerphone or delete her texts... Enjoy your sister and any other bsibs you have the pleasure to meet.

Amada, Do you get any support from your adoptive parents?

Amanda, I'm sorry to say this, but you walked right into this one. You got this info second-hand from your dad and immediately felt you needed to call your bmom and discuss it. You put yourself right square in the middle of it and got a predictable result from your bmom. Your bdad should have never started this crap in the first place, but you could have made a choice also to not react to what your dad said to you. In the future, you may wish to consider telling your bdad not to pass on info about your bmom second-hand. It seems like the boundaries are all over the place and it is possible to have separate relationships with those you wish to without interference from other sides. This is something you will need to enforce, especially if you are dealing with other people having mental illness. You have stated before your bmom is not stable. Why try to be rational with her? She is not able to be rational. So if she was mad, and called you ranting, you simply say "bmom, I'm sorry you are upset, but this topic is not up for discussion." PERIOD. That's all you say. If she keeps ranting/raving/wanting explanations, you simply say "bmom, if you continue to speak to me this way, I will have to end the conversation" and follow through. You don't have to defend yourself to your birth parents, your sister, or anyone. You don't owe any explanations, you don't need to protect your sister from your mom, or to be in the middle of any drama that you don't want to be. It sounds to me like your bmom wanted to have control over your contact with your sibling. She's upset that you took away that control. That is for her to deal with, and not something that is within her control. But rather than get into it with her over why you did what you did, what your reasons are, and ending up getting all worked up over it, you might want to just take a step back, breathe, and let the dust settle on this one a bit. Your bmom will have to accept that the cat is already out of the bag. I don't think talking about it on the phone with her is going to help, at least not right now. And you really do have to keep in mind that you are not dealing with a rational person, and as such, she is going to be limited in terms of her coping skills, flexibility on certain issues, controlling impulses, etc. I would be careful about having expectations of her that you would have from a person not struggling with mental illness. That doesn't mean you excuse her behaviours or allow her to walk all over you, but understand that she is likely not going to react like most people would in the same circumstance because of her illness. I would leave it at that for now. Give her the space she is asking for and take some for yourself. You don't need the drama.

I would like to add, for clarification, that I called her only after she called me 11 times within a 4 hour period. She called me during class, and I switched my phone off and let it go to voicemail. She left me a few messages telling me to call her, and when Idid she ignored it and sent me the text message. I then gave up, and she called me a few hours later. Somehow, I was unable to convince her that I was well within my rights about contacting Stephanie. In the end, though, she did concede that it wasn't my fault. Instead, it was my sister "E's" fault. If E and I had gotten along, I would be happy with my birthfamily and wouldn't have tried to contact Stephanie because I wold have already had that sisterly bond and wouldn't have had to find it elsewhere. Ellen has no idea Stephanie exists. It was so...convoluted and strange and stressful...but you're all right, I walked into it, it's not something I need, and I need to walk out before I get sucked back in..... I'm peaceful, but still a little disappointed that my foolproof socialand reasoning skills, which help me to avoid or assuage msot conflicts, failed me when dealing withmy birthmother-the woman who gave life to me. In the end, she actually said something to the effect of "it's not about you, or Stephanie, or E or any of the other siblings. I'M the mother. It's all about me!" Which is where our roads part.

Yeah...that does put it in a different light. Holy Cow! :eek: It's hard to realize there are some people you just can't reason with, especially when it's someone so close (in way or another) or who are unable to see past the end of their own nose. Sorry for the stress. Have you talked to Steph since all this went down?

Be careful not to fall into the trap of being a "people pleaser" especially to the newfound family. Everyone will have such an overload of jumbled emotions and you can only handle your own. That is where your responsibility ends, unless you are wishing to be codependant!

Sending you a big hug, Amanda. Nothing to add to what everyone else has said, but this: Cut yourself some slack, honey. Your 23, and yes, you have some excellent skils, but you are only human. I've had training in counceling, relational and grief, not to mention the time I've spent in therapy myself. I knew how to spot the red flags, and how to protect myself, set boundaries, etc. When you mix deep emotions into a situation, all the knowledge in the world, sometimes, isn't enough. I'm in my mid 40s and it's still very hard to enforce my boundaries. It's a life long practice, and no one ever perfects it. Please, stop being so demanding of yourself. You are human. You care about your bio family, and want them to care about you. You want them to be "normal" and "loving". There's nothing wrong with that. We all want that, but what if your BPs aren't capable of dealing with things as well as you do? Stop taking responsibility for your BPs feelings, and stopt expecting perfection from yourself. From one people pleasing, overly empathetic and sympathetic, save the world, perfectionist, it's not worth it, and I have the grey hair to prove it. Your reunion with your sis has nothing to do with your BPs, no matter what either of them say. Keep them out of it, or it will destroy your reunion with your bsis. I learned this one the hard way as well. I knew it, watched it happen, and couldn't stop myself because of all the emotions involved at the time. As the others have said, take care of yourself, Amanda, and your reunion with your sis. Let your BPs deal with their own issues, play games with each other, and you hold them responsible and accountable for their actions. OH, and one more time, cut yourself some slack.

Amanda,What a rough road you are on. I hope you find peace with it soon. Never doubt your right as an adult to make the decision to contact your bio sister or not. Your bmom gave up her right to make decisions like this for you. And it is not all about her. This is your life too. Her decisions affected your life forever and she needs to acknowledge that. You are not a child. Maybe she can not accept responsibility for her actions. Maybe she wants to control this situation. But this is not all about her. Never feel guilty for doing what you thought was right. Samantha

This is a perfect example of someone with poor boundaries and social skills. My own mom has some similar issues and you simply cannot reason with her most of the time because of these issues (though she does have moments of clarity, but they are not often). Amanda, this type of behaviour WILL rattle your cage, that is what it is meant to do by its very nature. Applying reason, logic, or good social skills won't work because you cannot get through to someone who is irrational, illogical, and lacking in social skills. And there is an inherent self centeredness in many people who thrive on drama, and your bmom may have some narcissitic components to her mental illness, so the "I'm the mom, it's all about me" comment doesn't surprise me. I also think a lot of moms from previous generations hold this view, that they are the mom, they are older, they command respect no matter what, you do what THEY say, you don't question their authority, etc. The women in my family were/are like this and the attitude was passed on through the generations. It's sort of an extention of "you'll do what I say because I'm the mom and I SAID SO!" That might work with 2 year olds, but not grown women. Your bmom needs to let it go and deal with the fact that you will have relationships with your siblings as you see fit. She doesn't need to be involved in that, if she doesn't want to be, but she cannot prevent you from seeking out your siblings and getting to know them.

I can tell you that my baby's birth mom and I will have a great relationship we have known each other for 14 years she is my best friend she knows she will get pictures and be able to see Hunter when ever she wants and talk to him on the phone.