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Well I have been reading the posts on this site for about a year now and occasionaly I say something to support other birthmothers with what they are going through. My heart just goes out to so many of them including myself.
My story
I gave my son up 19 years ago I already had a two year old and I had just turned 17. At the time I was very young had one child and struggled with a 7th grade and a child already. Adoption seemed the better decision.
This decision was probably the right one and at the time I felt like it was. And probably still do the verdict is unclear at this point.
I forever changed with that decision I never could handle the loss. I struggled with drug addiction after that for many years. Not that that was the cause but after that I didnt want to feel anything and definetly didnt want to deal with it. I had one more child with the same dad of all three. He and I never recovered either. I was so bitter towards him for not manning up. He was 7 years older than me fyi
I went on to have one more child they are all two years apart.
I did get my life together went back to school got my GED and some college and life wasnt simple it was hard work but even though we had so many hard times I have three wonderful kids that are not all screwed up. All are great people that always knew that I loved them even if we didnt have money. They know that they have a brother out there somewhere.
I always said that I wouldnt go looking for him because didnt want to interupt his life and had no idea if he even knew they told him he was adopted.
I have listed myself on the national registry and had a noterized permission to release identifying information put into the adoption file within the last year.
Until now I never regreted my decision I always said he was the one child I didnt have to worry about. But now that so much time has passed and I see that I could have been a great mother to him just as I was to the other three I wonder if I didnt make the wrong decision.
I am not sure if its just because I have been trying to make it easy for him to find me or the fact that my other kids are either adult or almost there and how well they have turned out or what the reasoning is but I do know that I am still haunted by this. I dont even know why I am writing this other than I have been reading everybodies stories this morning and it makes me sad:hissy:
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I don't have any answers for you but I do have hugs
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{relderkinyates}}}}}}}}}}}}}
hope that you are able to find some peace
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Until now I never regreted my decision I always said he was the one child I didnt have to worry about. But now that so much time has passed and I see that I could have been a great mother to him just as I was to the other three I wonder if I didnt make the wrong decision.
I know it's easy to second-guess, especially after raising your other children, but I don't think it's helpful to do so. You made what you felt to be the best decision you could make at that time, and not from the vantage point of where you are now. It is also impossible to know, with 100% certainty, how things would have turned out if you made a different decision back then.
I was OK with my decision to choose adoption for my child and didn't start questioning it until he was grown and I was older. Then I started second guessing and what-iffing. I think some of this comes with mid-life. We start examining where we've been, decisions we've made, and questioning the roads we took or the roads not taken. The thing is, we cannot change the past--what's done is done. I think in my circumstances at that time, I made the right decision, but it was hard to look back decades later and remember those circumstances accurately until I really thought about it. At this point in time, I cannot say I regret my choice, but I do often regret the circumstances of my life that brought me to that choice. Even given all that, my son and I both gained a lot from my decision.
I always said that I wouldnt go looking for him because didnt want to interupt his life and had no idea if he even knew they told him he was adopted.
So many first mothers feel this way, and yet I hear from so many adoptees here that they would love for their first moms to reach out to them and make that first move.
I have listed myself on the national registry and had a noterized permission to release identifying information put into the adoption file within the last year.
Maybe what is stirring you up right now is the need to reconnect with your son. You may wish to consider pursuing this more. Can the adoption agency give you any non-identifying info? Can they give you any indication if the adoptive family told your son he was adopted? It might be worth looking into, and reading up on reunion to prepare yourself.
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The agency closed for finaincial fraud within the first year after placing my son. So it's a dead end there. What I do remember about the family that I chose was that that he was a dentist and she a lawyer or something like that they were well off had an older adopted daughter and that they either lived in Kansas city or Kansaas state. Thats all I can recall which is not much to go on.:thanks: thanks for taking the time to reply back to me... I have never had anyone that I talked with about this.
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I'm just a pregnant birthmom, and maybe it's naive of me to say this... but maybe letting him go for adoption allowed you to have proper time and space for your other 3 children? It may have been a blessing in disguise. Maybe with 4 children, things would have been harder for all. Optimistically, he probably had a very good life with parents who wanted him and could support him financially. They were successful people and probably imparted a lot of good knowledge to him. That must be some consolation. I hope he'll one day reach out to you and you'll be able to see him happy, healthy, and well. Good luck.
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I am the birth mom to a 26 year old woman, who found me when she turned 18. We have had a wonderful mostly phone relationship with intermittent face to face contact. Amazingly we are like mirror twins. She is the copy of me. Though we do not say we love each other, because I got the cold shoulder when I said it to her once. I do not want to push the issue and her away. I take each day, one at a time with her. She calls me at least once, most often three to five times a day. She has given me a wonderful Grandson who knows me as Nana Janey.
It has not been easy all the time. Her adoptive parents are not happy with our reunion, and they have threatened to disown her and take her son...which she knows they can not do, if she disregards their feelings for what they see as an act of disrespect by continuing our relationship. At this point it comes down to don't ask, don't tell as far as her birth family is concerned.
I am a very proud birth mom, and blessed to have what I do with her. Any relationship would have been okay with me. I only wanted the reassurance that she was safe, loved and cared for.
Never regret the decision to give your children a better life. What you did blessed not only his parents, but the entire family. If you ever need to talk, you can leave me a message. :happydance:
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