Can someone help me understand?

How devastating. I know it's hard to see things when you are in the middle of them The signs that seem so obvious, perhaps they were not the signs you thought they were. Perhaps you were there to show this mother something she needed to see. Perhaps she will change her mind again. I don't know. I know you hurt. And I know God did not play a practical joke. I pray that you will have the strength to ask Him what it meant, and listen for His answer. I know your baby will come!:grouphug:

We were matched after the baby was born and as we were making flight arrangements got the call that the mom decided to parent. We were crushed and I still wonder how she is doing. 2 months later we got the call about DD. It is so clear that DD was meant to complete our family. After we got the first call, we realized we were so not ready. We had been waiting for what seemed like forever and our mindset was "it's never going to happen". So we got our minds in order as well as the nursery and our bags packed. Have faith that you will find your child. In your case, it seems to me this woman really needed you to get through this difficult time. While it is not the outcome you wanted, it is always good to help others. I know it is hard to imagine, but your child will find you.

I am so sorry to hear about your painful loss and unexpected circumtances. No one can truly understand your feelings and they are real and intense. God ways are not always our ways, nor our thoughts his thoughts. He may still be leading you on the path of adoption and his delays are not necessarily his denials. His timing is perfect in all things so please do not give up hope. In your prayers to the Lord tell him your pain that you do not understand and that you are confused. Some people write out their prayers to God, some find solace in reading the Psalms. Ann Kiemel Anderson, a Christian writer and speaker decades ago wrote a book called Taste of Tears, Touch of God. She also wrote a book Open Adoption ( earlier copies were called And With the Gift Came Laughter ) She and her husband Will battled with infertility and several prospective adoptions that were denied as yours. She so articulately writes her feelings and true emotions to God in her writings. She and Will went on to adopt 4 sons. Another wonderful resource for you through Bethany Christian Services main website is their publication/newsletter Stepping Stones for those waiting on God for a family or continued infertilityGod is not finished writing your beautiful story but for some reason he has allowed this painful chapter of loss. You have permission to feel your real feelings of sadness and pain and a broken dream. But know that God truly does care and grieves with you. He will turn this current storm to a future with hope and beautiful days to come. Trust Him, even in this. Wait expectantly. Lord, help this family trust you and wait on you even through this painful time of grieving. Blanket them with your love and peace that passeth all understanding. Fill them with your hope and may they know that you have a future of promise waiting ahead. Amen Blessings and prayers, Jody, an adoptee

Thank you all so much for responding. I am still sad, lost, and angry. It's almost impossible to pray. Again, it's not nearly as much the loss of the baby as it is the loss of faith. The signs seemed so clear...

One of the things I feel most sure about in my relationship with God is that He understands when I have very little faith. Those are the moments He holds me closest. He's a Father and He wants to hear our anger, wipe our tears, and heal our hearts. If you can think of nothing else to say when you pray, tell Him you're angry, hurt, disillusioned, frustrated. Pray for His best for all of you - your husband, yourself, the pregnant mom, the baby. When we sat on pins & needles for weeks not knowing whether our twins' birthmom would choose us or not, the only thing I could pray consistently was that God do what was best for all of us. Has she chosen to parent for sure or is she still considering? She likely has much on her heart and mind right now, and perhaps your friendship is one of the things God wanted to give her during this difficult time. (((HUGS)))

I hear what you are saying and I feel your pain, and emotions. We are one week out from having a little guy in our home for three days before the BM came for him. This is our third failed adoption. We remain childless. I am grateful to have found this website. There are few people who know what to say or can provide resources for guidance unless they have been there themselves. Thank you to everyone.

It is encouraging to see the outpouring of responses here on this caring forum. It is wonderful to find a safe place where we can honestly share and not fear judgement and just be heard. I wanted to share that when a couple planning to adopt walks through the open door to adoption it is certainly a courageous journey. For when there is a specific child on one's heart and the birth parent is working with you, you begin bonding emotionally with the child, their name, their pictures, your dreams. I remember when my mom ( adoptive mom ) fostered many children and was counseled to not get to close- and she found that impossible! To care, one opens their heart and their soul and one becomes so vulnerable. The risk of love and opening up is the pain of hurt or loss. But God is Sovereign and He exhorts in his Word, "Grieve, but not as those who have no hope" Our hope springs eternal in the Lord, and he gives us permission to grieve. It is so hard in this world where pain and sorrow and circumstances are not perfect, we risk our feelings and dreams. But we must remember that God is a Dream giver and He knows your hearts and desires and your sadness at this time. He is the God of the impossible. Continue to trust, even through the pain and even through the tears and know that God is good, even through trials and hardships. I just listened to Ann Kiemel Anderson's audio CD, "How Can I Change?" And it is beautiful- it shares about her ups and downs in her life journey, her infertility and her kneeling down in the nursery of her prospective child and grieving with her husband in prayer through several prospective adoptions where the birth mothers changed their minds. This CD can be ordered on the "Focus On The Family" website- for $9.00. She is SO real on the CD and beautiful as she continually surrenders her will through hurt and pain and tears to God's Sovereign Plan- ( and she admits what a struggle this is ) I believe this CD would minister to many of you who are facing this heartbreaking issue and pain. Ann Kiemel Anderson is Blogging again and just released her best selling books from the 70's/80's- I'm Out to Change My World and I Love The Word Impossible. She has a Facebook page and also a Blog- She is amazing and does truly understand what you are going through. May God's blessings and His peace surround you. Thanks for honestly sharing. Keep us posted please and our prayers are with you!

I agree...it is such a gift to have a safe place to go. I don't want to make anyone else stumble by seeing this terrible blow to my faith. But it's soooo comforting to be able to share my hurt with fellow believers. Kideu2...:grouphug: Thank you for sharing in the midst of your grief. You must be a very strong person. I hope we can all continue to come here and support and love each other through all of this. Y'all please feel free to use this thread as a meeting place, or start another one. By the way, I posted in one of my other threads that 48 hours after my emom told me she wanted to keep her baby, we found out about a one month old little boy who was ready to be adopted. He could literally have been in my home by this weekend. But DH and I were not able to find a peace about it. We chose not to adopt him. It was difficult, but we just didn't feel like it was what we were supposed to do. I'm not trusting my instincts too much these days, but somehow, we just knew it wasn't right. Blessings to you, my new friends. Thank you for all your love and encouragement. I hope to be able to repay you all.:thankyou:

Thank you Jody for your kind and loving support. It is nice to know of some resources to try to remain faithful.

While it is hard to do hang inther and know that God has a purpose for evrything. I wish I could tell you why these things happen, but I know that God is faithful. Trust him he has a purpose.

Karaboo, thanks again for allowing us to come along side you on this painful journey and also for sharing the updates on your circumstances. What a beautiful testimony of God's love and grace and provision to see the body of Christ gather round and comfort, edify and uplift one another here. I know God has plans for your family and your future that will meet your desires and honor Him. Keep trusting and waiting expectantly! He is ever faithful and true, even when we walk through the storms of life on this side of heaven. Love and prayers, Jody

I posted some of the recent updates in another thread, but I will update here... BMom had her aunt send me a text message when her water broke and she went into the hospital. She said she thought I would want to know. We texted back and forth briefly. She had her daughter that night, and invited us the hospital the next day to see her. We took her a large bag of clothes and gifts that we bought and that had been given to us for her, as well as an afghan that I had crocheted for her. She has texted me a few times since then, just to give me an update on her and the baby. Both are doing well. Sigh. It's tough. My faith is slowly returning, and I am trying very hard to trust what God is doing in all of this. Blessings to you all.

I think at the end of this journey, your faith will be even stronger. You probably cannot see it, but I think this is strengthening you. And what a witness you were to that mom in your love and giving! You will be fine and your child will that more blessed!