Being Told from Adoptee Point of View

Thanks for the insight. I have no plans to keep her from her half-bio-sib(s) she will know of him/them her whole life. It will make our bond stronger and build trust when I speak of him/them in a positive light. That baby boy never did anything to her. She has been with us since she was 2 months old, before the baby boy was conceived, and their common bio-moms rights to my daughter were terminated a month before the bio-half-sib was born. I'm struggling to understand if the purpose of sibiling visits is to maintain and preserve a bond that was formed before they were separated... what the purpose of these visits now could be... they were never together and never formed a bond. Too much emphasis is placed on biology. I acknowledge she needs to know of him and I need to respect and honor her wishes when she wants to meet him/them. There is evidence to suggest knowing about adoption/siblings at a young age can be harmful to a childs self-image and emotional development and they should be told in small, honest age appropriate blocks. Nobody is talking about deceiving her or keeping them apart from each other. Indirect contact for now is appropriate for this situation. Are their children who grow up well adjusted by knowing at 2-3.... sure. But studies show they are exceptions to the norm. But, there are also secure, happy adults that find out at 18, but I now realize that is not in the best interest of my child. The best plan for my child is to know of the bio-half-sibling so there is no "big reveal". But the focus right now should be on her continued stability and knowing she is 100% part of her/our family. It needs to be her choice and court ordered visits are only appropriate for siblings who formed a bond and, then, are separated. She deserves to know about him... but, for right now, it is my choice and if it's a choice between potential harm and potential benefits... I choose to keep my child out of harm's way. I am a loving, kind, responsible parent and have sought out advice from books, articles, psychologists, and adult adoptees in this forum and in person. We have read post-adoption contact books and researched children's book to read to her. I'm not just crossing my arms and holding my breath and saying "I don't wanna" my initial reaction was "great, more people to love her and more people for her to love" but, my husband and I have researched all angles and harm can (I'm not saying will) be done and any benefits would benefit her more a little later, when it's her choice. She will always know of him and it will be a more positive experience for her if it's her choice and not forced upon her. One psychologist says "my clinical data unequivocally demonstrates the traumatic effect of early communication and its participation in anxiety, confusion and regression... the needs and development of a child of 2 or 3 years are not well served by revelation of his adoptive status". How could I ignore that? And experts agree that contact with a half-bio-siblings at this age will bring about questions and feelings of rejection too soon, too fast at an age where a toddler/preschooler is not mentally or emotionally capable of managing it. Nobody has a crystal ball and can predict the future. All we can do is what is right for our child and our situation. Nobody can know all of the background and nuances that lead us to the decisions we make. I would not begin to tell another mother how to raise her child. While I appreciate any advice people of experience and experts can provide and have taken it all into consideration, I can only take that advice and see where it fits into my situation. It is not helpful to have people chasing me from board-to-board and smacking me down like a childish game of whack-a-mole. It has been very helpful to get the opinions of adult adoptees both in this forum... through private messages... through research... and through personal contact. Thanks for the advice and support. And I was paying attention... when she does meet her half-bio-siblings... her brother/my son will be there : ) I am confident our research has given us a plan that is the least invasive to our child, with the greatest potention of securing her stability and happiness... and will result in the greater good (a more positive way of saying lesser evil).... giving her a loving family and stability while trying to find a way to fit the bio-half-sibling into her story. We will find our way together as a family. Perhaps I will consult this website again as new challenges arise. Thank you. Bye : )

I am a therapist that has worked in the field of adoption for 22 years. I am also a clinical trauma specialist. I would love to see the research that this psychologist is quoting because, to be honest, I have never come across any studies that suggest what he is saying. You can pm me if you like.

Whether or not WVMOMof2 wants to read the answers, I think it would be valuable for adult adoptees to answer the simple questions raised by her concerns. I did jump from board to board to follow the topic. I did, a little presumptively, rephrase her questions in simple, clear language that got to the heart of each issue while being devoid of arguments or bias. The intent was to present them so that anyone reading them would know what is truly being asked and be able to answer in a straightforward manner. I did, and now wish I hadn't, post a follow up that schussed out her opinions and arguments a bit, but then followed up again with the unvarnished questions. A little unusual sequence for posts but I think OK because I think adoptees' answers to these clear questions without confusing tangents, stacked arguments, or filtered interpretation are important for all adoptive parents to hear. They are just questions, no argument, no citing of other sources, just open questions seeking adult adoptees' thoughts. Clearly, they will yield generalized answers based on personal experience to the generalized situation. I am fairly sure this thread is being watched for answers by many adoptive parents who struggle with the same questions. I think now is a good time to let them hear the adoptee's take on them.

I just want to address this one statement. To some adoptees (not all) biology is incredibly important. I had the chance to ask a couple of questions through very indirect channels about 20 years ago. I thought about it for a while and following were my queries: 1. What nationality am I.2. Do I have siblings. Then later when I had to find my family (most know the back story) I hired a company and spent a considerable sum of money I did not have, and I have to say that it was an equal need in my heart that my family know to protect my siblings, versus my need for health info. Perhaps even greater if the knowledge could prevent them from going through what I went through. So for some of us, even though we have a wonderful family that no one can ever replace, that we are bonded to for life...BIOLOGY is incredibly important and cannot be simply dismissed as having too much emphasis placed on it. Kind regards,Dickons

Hadley, with all due respect, I find it difficult to even begin to answer those questions...I'd like to think no, the girl would not be "at risk" for anything due to meeting her bio-brother or that it wouldn't be harmful, traumatic or confusing to her (I'm thinking that it probably wouldn't...) but, to be honest, maybe THIS PARTICULAR GIRL (caps only for emphasis, not yelling) would be traumatized or confused (none of us can say that she won't be for sure).My gut tells me that she would be fine, but I don't know that and maybe that's why it is difficult for me to answer. I was raised in a closed adoption (currently, many of us were) and didn't know of any bio-siblings growing up so I guess I'm not the best authority on these matters...I guess I can't guess how she (the daughter) will respond to this particular situation any more than I can guess the responses of anyone.::sigh:: I know this wasn't the answer you were looking for Hadley...I just have NO idea how to answer those questions...

whenever i read what the "experts" have to say about adoption, i often wonder if they even know anyone adopted.

MommytoEli, Don't you know - everyone knows one adoptee and we are all the same so if you know one - you know all of us including all the thoughts we would never voice that may make them uncomfortable and reassess their pre-concieved view points. Thanks for the reality factor comment! Kind regards,Dickons

oh man...i guess i didn't read that part of the manual that came with my kids. lol. i'll make a note of it. ;)

If only little babies could sit up in their cribs and tell us what they want. All these questions, biased or not, are a bit tuff. If it were me, I would want to know my half brother my whole life. I wouldn't care to much about what all the adults are up to. I think it would be damaging to pop up and have to meet a brother one day, and go thru all the questions and reassesments of my life then. Must be easier just to know yer bro, no big deal, he's just one of your brothers, one that lives at his grandmas. Not confusing at all to me, an adoptee.

It's not the telling a child about thier adoption that is traumatic, (well, maybe for mom and dad LOL) it's the actual events and separation from family that is the traumatic part. Telling them, and being honest with them in an age appropriate way will help them live with that trauma. Think of how you would talk to them openly about their personal situations, relationships and non-relationships if they were an adult, and go backwards from there. Heck, I'd have them at Penny's tommorrow getting a sibling shot of them together, so when I did talk with her about them, she'd have a pic of her and her brother hanging out together from the beginning. Sure would make it no big deal to me.

PS A sibling shot with her and both of HER brothers. A picture of Her life.

For me - I read this and it doesn't always have to be an adoption issue.... I have four half brothers and two half sisters. I was raised knowing my half brothers. One of them is now one of my best friends. I'm incredibly close with their children. I vacation with some of them and we're not just family, but friends as well. I'm not SUPER close with all four of them - but at least I was given the opportunity to be. My two half sisters? I barely remember from growing up. I always knew they existed and that they were my sisters, but we weren't given the opportunity to form real relationships. Their Mother kept them away from us when I was small and it wasn't until later that we were "allowed" (by her, my parents always wanted the connection) to develop a relationship. Personally? I do wish that I could have just had them be "sisters" from the beginning. I know we never lived together, would never live together, didn't vacation together, had different lives, etc., but none of that confused me. What DID confuse me is that I wasn't allowed to see them. I don't think I ever asked to either....I don't think it would have occurred to me honestly. I just took the way it was for the way it was. I do understand that adoption compounds the issue in different ways - and I absolutely admit that I can't speak to that from an adoptees point of view - but I think that sometimes we just have to look at the relationships too.

makes good sense to me thanksgivingmom And I agree, it's the "OK, but why am I separated from them?" that is the confusing part. And for Genetic Attraction reasons, I think knowing each other earlier versus meeting as older children or adults would be wise. GA can be very confusing.

Phew - I wanted to make sure I wasn't overstepping my bounds as I was not adopted! And if anyone thinks I am, please feel free to disregard :flowergift:

I have to interject after following this thread. I have three siblings on little sister who I was placed with and an older sister (adopted by another family) and a brother who was raised in foster care. My older sisters mother felt threatened and cut of contact when i was 4 and i carried on seeing my brother until I was 12. (he disapeared for a while) but we are back in contact. I also hunted down my older sister and we are in contact. as mentioned before i come from a biological family of abuse and neglect though i remember little of this. (thank god!) my younger sister has made the decision she does not want contact with my siblings. however i love my siblings to bits. I think it can be harmful for older siblings to see each other once seperated but i can see no harm in young children seeing each other. what harm would it do? im a little confused. it just becomes a normal part of life for those children. they have siblings that live seperatly. your child and her sibling have no concept of what we do as adults. they dont understand situations regarding family and adoption in the sense we do. My fabulous mum and Dad kept up contact with my brother all the time we were growing up. though we saw each other about twice a year. My mum and Dad loved him and knew how important contact is. My biological parants (David and Marie - i hate the term parants as they were anything but..) are people i would want nothing to do with due to the circumstances of our removal but my siblings i love dearly. We were seperated but still a part of each other and my siblings are not responsable for the actions of David and Marie. You are a wonderful parant, thats clear with you fighting for your child, but i will say a lot of research out there is written by academics who have no clue as they have not expirienced it. It is not harmful to see your siblings, though it can be hard to see them and leave them. your child is young and therefore anything you do is normal to her. If you limit the time spent to a few times a year while she is young then that will be normal to her. No hang ups or confusion. just a different make up of a family. My older sister mother lied to her and said my father cut off contact which was not true. this has caused no end of issues as i think having contact and being with people who understand the ins and outs is a blessing. having someone who understands and looks like you is a blessing. The truth is a blessing. All your precious child needs to know is that you love her and you will fight for her which clearly you are doing. You know your child as only a mother can. Please dont stop contact. As your child growns she can make the decision if she wants to have contact. For now you can choose to give her the gift of her brother and in fact her brother the gift of her. so often the sibling relationship which can be so important is forgotton. When shes older and she starts asking questions and deals with all the information surrounding her removal and adoption into your precious family, the last thing she will need is to deal with finding a brother (if she chooses) and the difficult journey of reunion. contact i think is not a negative thing, how can it be? of course you have to make sure this is done in a safe and comfortable environment. My mom ised to take us swimming or various days out throughout the year and i thank her for that. My brother and sister are not my biological parants mistake, they are MY joy and my blesssing in life. they come with their own issues but often they are there to help me with the journey of discovery and heartbreak regarding my own placement. My Mum and Dad just wanted us to have everything and faught so we could have contact which they were advised against. my siblings are the light of the whole situation as i am sure your daughters brother will be hers. siblings should not pay for the sins of the parants. they are a part of each other just as you are a part of your daughter. its all about FAMILY. I wish my mom would be as open as you are. she could cope with my siblings but not with the rest of it. :) I guess this journey i embarked on baught up emotions i was not expecting in her. what ever you do i know your daughtr will appreciate it when shes older. I am also so pleased you decided not to tell her when shes older. the younger they are the more normal things are...not a shock when you get older:) I always knew from the start and goes to show everyday what a blessing my om and dad are :) Goodluck!