HELP needed on possible disruption!

I admit to being a bit confused because you say you love him very much and it's the issues with the bparents that are causing problems. So I'm not sure how one gets to adoption disruption based on this?Have you done anything to work things out, set boundaries, seek counseling, mediation with bparents etc.? Have you worked on your bonding with him and attaching to him? If not, then I would definitely look into these things first. He's 3...and you are his mom. While toddlers can and do attach to new families, it isn't something to take lightly and it will cause trauma and grief to your son. If he isn't the problem then I think it's best to work on solutions to the actual problems. If the bparents are the issue, then they need to be dealt with. Switch churches if you have to, shop at different times/stores, make it very clear to the schools that they are not allowed contact with your child at school - things like that? Sometimes disruption IS the best thing for the child, however, it should be for the right reasons and after exhausting all avenues first.

can you move? we had to sell our house for quite a loss in a down economy to keep our children safe from a parent who threatened them, and had our address. i did not want to do it, i HAD to do it. is it possible that you could move a few towns over to give yourself a bit more space?

One thing to think about it how your other ason might see this. He may worry that you will give him away as well. That is something that will have to be addressed. This child, no matter how much his new parents love him, this will rock his sense of security. Only you know if this is the right thing for your family or not.

I guess my thinking is more concerned about your comments that 'there's a lot more going on I"m not...posting here'. Depending on what 'that' is, would make a lot of difference to those of us trying to give any advice...AND, others within the community. Speaking from the viewpoint that we've disrupted more than once for reasons of danger to others.....I'm not quick to say 'you need to reconsider this'. If the reasons you're NOT bonding have *more* to do with the issues this child is presenting....then that's another matter. As far as the bioparents showing up, seems you could change churches or move or whatever it might take....but I have a gut feeling these alone are *not* the main reasons you're considering disruption. (Please feel free to pm if you'd like.) Otherwise, if you go through with disruption, it would seem that the people you've referred to would be a good choice. I'm hoping you've gone through counseling or at least plan to...as this WILL affect your other children...even if this young toddler was a total nightmare to have around....the dynamics of your family will change. Because you adopted privately, you can have him legally placed with another family. But, I agree with the others...three is a very young age......if there's need of attachment on his part, there's still time to work with him...though I admit, it will need to be intense work. But, only you can decide if you'll be able to carry through with more resources, or your heart just needs to move on. I believe few things are worse than having a child in a home who isn't really loved or wanted. Additionally, it's just as bad to have a child in a home who's dangerous and/or hurtful to the other children. Disruption shouldn't be taken lightly....but I suspect you already know that. I sense that you feel guilty by adopting him in the first place, etc.....you shouldn't. There's no such thing (IMO) of 'keeping someone else from adopting him'. Whether you should--or shouldn't have adopted is not the issue now. The issue is: What are you going to do about him now. IMO, the only responsibility you should have *now*, is decide whether you're going to continue to try to make it work out in your home....or allow this child to have a family who can love and raise him w/o the feelings you now have. I know it's not easy...on anyone. But, neither is keeping a child in your home that's dangerous or unloved as fully as s/he can be. Again, please feel free to pm me if you want. Sincerely, Linny

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]We would LOVE to move but we can't financially. We currently do not have a house payment and would if we moved and can't afford that. We can't move churches as my DH is the Pastor. We can't shop at different stores as we live in a VERY small town where everyone knows everyone. We have one choice, Wal-Mart :( We do shop when they are normally sleeping but they are also part of a LARGE family and the other family members are just as bad. It's hard to avoid 20 people all the time and he won't be able to either. The school here is K-12 in the same school. Avoiding them is just not an option. We have set boundries and thats when the real trouble began. We have tried to talk with them but they are on a 12yo level and just don't get it honestly.

Some of the issue is his behavior. We are pp.p% sure he has delays and most likely more major issues going on too. We finacially can't afford to get him the help he needs. We have insurance through my husbands work so we can't get state insurance. We make too much to get help but not enough to afford it :grr: That is part of the issue, we feel this other family could most definately get him everything he "needs". We can give him the basics but just have so much guilt over keeping him here. We just feel it is not the best for him and we want him to be the best he can grow up to be.

We have talked about this with the whole family and everyone understnads and supports us. We have tried to bond with this child for 3 years now and just can't. I have been a mother since I was 17, I'm 37 now so for 20 straight years (we were foster parents in between our kids) I have had little ones and changed diapers and I think I just can't handle it anymore. I am at my breaking point and just can't do it anymore. I look at him and just cry, that is not fair to this sweet little boy!! He is not a bad kid, he is VERY loving, just some behavior issues and pretty good delays. It's totally NOT like me to have issues with children & delays as I have always worked with disabled children & adults. That is NOT the issue. I just want better for this child before I fall apart. Maybe it's selfish of me, I'm sorry for that!

Just need some input. If this family doesn't work out where is some websites I can find other PAP's?

Any input is GREATLY appreciated!!

Thanks & God Bless!!![/FONT]

google "disrupted adoption" and there are several agencies that specialize in this. i can not posts the links as it would violate our terms of service in regards to agency discussion. please note that this is not a matching site. any users that post or contact a member to adopt a child or offer a child for adoption are breaking the terms of service at adoption.com and will be banned. thank you.

Please note I was NOT trying to solicite aparents, I was just asking for help. Sorry!

Kids - Brook wasn't directing her warning at you - it was a general reminder for the entire thread. Sadly, we have people who either disregard or totally forget about our rules - in an attempt to keep the 'moderating' down to a minimum, we sometimes post reminders in advance of having to actually take action.No need to be sorry :)

I'd recommend you find someone to do respite for you for a week or so at least while you work on this decision. It is very hard to think clearly when you are in the middle of a situation like this. I tell this to everyone thinking of disruption. It's too hard when you are burnt out, tired and feel like your done to parent and think clearly. Some people use lawyers to help them find families. A therapist some of my sons were seeing told me about my youngest son needing a family. There are a few agencies but many charge money. You likely will get a lot of negative comments from people and some may even stop talking to you all together. People may not understand. It will hurt and it will be painful. Of course, living with a child who makes you cry when you look at them is painful as well. I highly recommend counseling for yourself to get through this.

A couple of ideas. One if he is three, then the school system can help with getting him tested and getting help for delays and it won't cost you anything. You can call and request an evaluation for him. If he has significant delays they will put him in a public preschool that can help.As for the church and home issue, you might want to pray about your husband looking for another church to pastor. If you can find one that has a parsonage then that takes care of the housing issue as well. Things will become very difficult for you if you disrupt, you will hear from his family probably even more and some of your well meaning parishers will feel the need to tell you thier opinions. So a new church and new start may be best for your family.

I guess one of the questions I have is have you prayed about the whole situation? What is God calling you to do? (I'm assuming that since your husband is a pastor, you are also a person of faith.) What does God want you to do? One great thing about being a Christian is knowing that God is with us and we can depend on his strength, not only on our own.