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I was always provided everything I could possibly need by my parents, food, shelter, and family. I dont remember when it started but I know I was in grade school, I hid ANYTHING that I felt my mom or dad would see as bad. I did very poorly in school and would do everything in my power to hide from it. My parents wern't abusive, or overly angry. But I was so afraid of the looks on their faces.
My sister is blood to my parents, she is four years younger than me, I remember my parents telling me when I was little that they couldn't have a baby and thats why they have me, but now they had my sister, but they still loved me. My mother and I do not have a relationship. Though my sister and her have very strong relationship. I have never felt at home there. My father has tried to keep me in the family but I feel like I am constantly being shoved out the door. (I moved out at 16)
I have been with my b/f now for almost a year. We are really close, for the first time in my life I feel comfortable feeling connected to someone who isn't a brother figure. He was with me and my mother while my daughter (born when i was 18 just like I was to my Bmother) was playing in the park. I had warned him about my relationship with her. He worked to keep the peace and when we got home he was telling me that I was the one that was antagonizing the situation.
I have felt increasingly out casted by this woman and for years ignored what she did to try and mend our relationship. and I feel that I have given up,( I didn't realize I was antagonizing at all) The holidays are around the corner I called my dad to see what they are planning. He told me that they were going up north to see my grandparents because it will be my grandfathers last year... I am not invited.
I AM ANGRY they tell me that I am a part of the family, but I am not welcome. I am spending the holidays with my best friend who is a brother figure to me (I surround myself with men my age, as friends I have one single female friend) and has been for many years. But here is why I am angry truthfully. My daughter is 5 yrs old now. I see her about once a month. I left her dad because of many many reasons, all of which I caused myself because I am so terrified of being left, that I always leave first. I left my daughter in the care of his mother, (who promised to when she was born because i wanted to put her up for adoption)... Now I am 5 yrs into jumping in and out of my daughters life. Hating myself everytime I walk away. I can feel it effecting her life and I can't bring myself to get close to her. I LOVE her. I cry for her, but every oppurtunity I get to improve our relationship.. I run!
I feel like every day of my life is effected by my own brain washing against my family. I have drilled into my own head how much I should hate them, and how much I need my birth parents because I just dont belong where I have been all my life, and I have always known that.
This b/f I have, is the first to talk to me about my adoption, the first to ask me about how I think it effects me, and what I feel inside. I have never said I love you to anyone until about two months ago. He is something different. He wants me to fight to get shared custody of my daughter and pushes me to spend time withe her. I am terrified of him because he is pushing me to connect to something important to me that isn't a dog for once. I am so angry with myself. Why can't I just let life flow, I am a successful person, or atleast I have the ability to be. But I choose not to, because if I could afford my daughter why dont' I have her? I hate myself, I am disgraceful, no wonder my mother wants nothing to do with me. I insist in following the steps of my birth mother who I have never seen in my life, and ruining my life even if it means going out of my way to ruin it myself. I am absolutely terrified of being left so I simply do not connect and if I do, I will get in my own way to break it off if I feel it is getting to good. ... this rant is over. I am just so tired of myself... I am angry with everyone, especially myself.
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You are searching for the same answers many many adoptees have. You are not alone and your reactions are not unique. Abandonment feelings are quite normal for adoptees. The need to be the first to leave is common. The fear of being close, also common. Have you looked into counseling? Read any books? Both take courage but can help you find the answers to make things better. Be kind to yourself, you are worth it and not alone. It is okay to be sad, to cry, to grieve. Sometimes tears are the best way to deal with things that get you down. Don't try to fix everything, one thing at a time. You set the pace. Kind regards,Dickons
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No I havn't done anything to try and cope. I have some obsession with missory i guess, I only get really depressed like this, when everything in my life is going well. It will hit me like a brick wall, as if I do not deserve to be happy. My mom put me in counseling after I got arrested at 14, It was to help me cope with my "anger issues" but at that age I did not want to be there, so I did nothing but lie to the counselor. I have an issue with coming out with people who I dont know, I am ok doing it online or through a letter, but face to face, if you are not a seriously close friend (which is three ppl atm) I will not talk to you about my problems. A counselor is paid to care, and thats just not what I need, I need someone who will truly care. I just want to feel loved. I think right now my issue is I just lost my dog. I have been single for quite a while and my dog was my companion, I was happy with him, he would sit there and let me cry on him, he would listen to me, and was very attentive and knew when I was having a bad day. The best dog I've ever had, and I miss him dearly. I dont connect to people like I do animals, and Im feeling extremely lonely without him. My b/f has never really had a connection to an animal and doesn't understand why I am acting like my father died. But to me, that dog was everything, and without him I am nothing.
I am sorry to hear that you feel like this. It is common to adoptees even with good adoptive parents. My husband was adopted and yes, it is difficult for him to trust, conect, communicate, etc. I need to tell you that a counselor is not paid to care, it is a professional that is paid to help you understand what is going on with yourself and give you the tools that you need to feel better. It is not going to do you any good to run forever. You can run, but you can not hide from yourself. Wherever you go, there you are. Life is not easy, I am not adopted, but I have not been in touch with my mom for over a year. Things were very bad with her and I just decided that I like my peace of mind more than anything she can offer to me. I am sorry to tell you but love is a two way street, you can not give what you do not have! You need to love yourself and then others and SHOW IT! I know it is scary, you are deeply HURT. My counselor says that ANGER is the sister of DEPRESSION, and it is so true! Do not make yourself misserable and give yourself a chance! There is no worst sin that see your life passing by instead of living it.
Borntampa, my heart hurts for you. I don't have any great advice beyond that you are worth the sun and the moon and all the stars. That being adopted doesn't change that. That being adopted by people who have failed you doesn't change that.
Break out! Say "screw you!" to everyone who has failed you. Get angry, mother angry, on behalf of yourself. Claim your life. Dare loving yourself (you're worth it). Dare loving your daughter (she's worth it). Dare loving your man (he's one in a million). Stop beating yourself up for yesterday--for the things you couldn't control or the things you could--and live now, in this place, giving yourself grace and understanding and forgiveness. It isn't too late to be the mother you always wanted--to both yourself and your daughter.
Okay, so I guess I have a lot advice. ;) I just know, with every part of me, that you matter. That nothing in your past defines the innate beauty of who you truly are.
Warmest wishes! I'm cheering for you. <3
Kajsa