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Just back from a Fall Sports Banquet for my oldest, who is a freshman in high school. I was amazed she wanted to go, as she missed literally half the season to academic ineligibility--she was failing 3, 4, sometimes 5 subjects at a time. Including P.E., and she is a gifted athlete.
We wanted to support her, so we all arranged our schedules to be there. I spent about, oh, 3 hours cooking for the potluck. She interprets my cooking as a sign of love, and takes some pride in having a cooking mother. I overdressed and put on make up and jewelery. I put on my game face.
And then I watched the other girls receive well-earned awards with pride. It's an old school type of place, an all girls Catholic school, and while all the girls are treated with very touching love and concern, there is a firm sense of justice toward the community, and awards are earned. So, she did not get so much as a certificate of recognition for her participation. Her coach, a warm but no-nonsense woman who is dead serious about her sport, spoke to her after the presentations to explain why she did not give her a certificate. Namely, because she missed half the season.
What hurt was not the lack of a certificate--I agree with that, actually, and they did call her up to join her teammates. I was just gobsmacked by the missed opportunity it represented. She is a gifted athlete--she should have been the star player on that team, and for a while she was definitely one of the stars, until she just went for failure.
How does she stand it? How does she hold her head up at school? I feel humiliated being there. In her primary and middle schools, it was a different story. She was still a behavior problem and poor academic achiever and a pain in the rear to coach. But it was our parish school, and I knew everyone, and I was known before the kids came. I was not, as I am at her high school, known ONLY as the mother of the worst student at school.
She made the basketball team, but is not allowed to practice because she has under a 1.5 GPA. Ughh, how I hate to write that! I was an A student. My husband was valedictorian of his class. I would DIE if I had grades like that. Anyway, the JV coach is a wonderful, dynamic, fun-filled woman who really wants to help, and set up a plan for my daughter to succeed--she must sit under the supervision of a teacher during all study halls, she must show her homeroom teacher all her assignments written in her book every day, she must turn in a weekly report from her teachers each week.
I know I cannot help with this plan. I know she will not accept my help, although she acknowledges she has a hard time with the work. She would rather fail her classes, be ineligible for the sports she loves, and even possibly fail out of her high school, which she also loves, rather than accept help from me.
It's such a wonderful school, really a special place with nice girls who are so kind to her, despite all her flaws. The teachers are caring. They have an excellent social worker. We provide her everything she needs. But she chooses failure.
How do they stand the humiliation of it, these kids? She said, "I'm used to not getting awards, it doesn't matter." My comment that she could certainly earn awards if she applied herself went nowhere, predictably. Willfully, she makes herself a loser.
We could not be more different. I enjoy challenges (clearly I bit off more than I could chew in the parenting department challenge!), I expect success, and except where she is concerned, I have pretty much always had success, I am a leader. I am used to be taken seriously. And she feels comfortable with the discomfort and humiliation of self-imposed failure.
I am embarassed to be her mother, I really am. I could not even thank her volleyball coaches for all they did for her because I was just too embarassed.
I know, I know, I should pace myself, she's got a lot more idiotic decisions coming down the pike, I'm sure. And some of you have had the horrible experience of watching your child go through the criminal justice system.
I do try to concentrate on the relationship and being loving, and I try to leave school to school. I know I have bigger fish to fry. But actually going to the school--Lord, have mercy! It's so, so painful.
Tomorrow is report card pick up and teacher conferences. I am not looking forward to this.
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I am not familar with your story, but I have kids in my life who are going through similar issues. We had to decide to be proud they made it, day by day, game by game. Try to think of it as a positive that she made eligiblity HALF the season, an entire HALF! She may never be one of those girls winning awards, at least not in High School(?) but maybe her participation will help her towards success in other ways. Just my $.02 :battle:
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I hear you on the school embarrassment. I feel like I have 3 heads when I walk in the school. No, I can't explain to them why my son does what he does. He loves basketball, is very good at it, yet won't play because he's failing 3 of his 4 core classes. He won't let me help either. I don't get it.
Good luck with the conferences. I have another IEP meeting next week and son just spent 3 days in ISS for theft from the book fair. He can't understand why we would be upset about this.......
Wow, I think I could have almost written your post. You expressed some of the feelings I've been having lately and been unable to put into words. It is hard when we are embarrassed by our children. I was always a "good kid." I wanted to gain the approval of adults so badly that I cried if a teacher told me to stop talking and be quiet. My youngest daughter is quite the handful. What do you do when you pick her up and the teacher tells you she was coloring on the wall? How are you suppose to react when your child is having a screaming tantrum at gymnastics and the other parents are staring at you? Do you pretend not to notice when you hear other parents whispering about your child's behavior? Sometimes I just want to tell them to mind their own business. If they really knew the whole story, they wouldn't be so quick to judge. I have shed more tears then I can count when my kid's have embarassed me. I think some of this is God's way of teaching me to look to him for acceptance and not rely so much on the approval of others. I know it hurts. It stinks when our kids embrass us, and we are always the parent of "that kid."
tybeemarie
Just back from a Fall Sports Banquet for my oldest, who is a freshman in high school. I was amazed she wanted to go, as she missed literally half the season to academic ineligibility--she was failing 3, 4, sometimes 5 subjects at a time. Including P.E., and she is a gifted athlete.
We wanted to support her, so we all arranged our schedules to be there. I spent about, oh, 3 hours cooking for the potluck. She interprets my cooking as a sign of love, and takes some pride in having a cooking mother. I overdressed and put on make up and jewelery. I put on my game face..
tybeemarie
But she chooses failure.
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Wow. If my parents were that embarrassed by me I would be too scared to try ANYTHING! I'm sorry, but I can't ever imagine being embarrassed by my child-I'm here to be her biggest supporter in what is important to HER, not what's important to me. There comes a time in life when you have to be mature enough to realize these are HER choices and not a reflection on you. It is part of growing up, kids make mistakes and almost never follow the path we had imagined for them.
My brother was much like your DD growing up, loved sports and was excellent at them, All State in every sport but could barely keep the 2.0, on academic probation a lot. He would pull up his grades while on probation to be able to play and as soon as he was off probation his grades slipped again. The fact of the matter is he just did not care about school. He has tons of friends, is a successful manager at a grocery store chain, plenty of street smarts and he is HAPPY.
I do not know your story so take this for what it is worth... As a child I 'knew' I was flawed, something others could see that I could not...always waiting to be thrown away...at that time and still to this day I sometimes feel I had been once so it could and would happen again. And sometimes I acted worse on purpose - just get it over with - so it would not hurt so bad when it happened again... But you know what? My parents never bought in to the idea that I was not good enough, never, not once. Instead they spent time with me just being proud of who and what I was, did not matter that I was not like them, how could I be, I was not of them, but was raised and loved by them. It did not matter what I was good at, we all were unique and the gifts we had were celebrated, not denigrated for the gifts we did not have. Regards,Dickons
I think it's different with a RAD kid, when we watch them sabotage themselves. No one outside understands. My son has admitted to me that he puts wrong answers down on purpose to see if the teacher is smart enough to catch them. He is always testing her and she keeps trying to be nice so she keeps failing his tests so he has no respect for her. So now he half does all his work. His grades are dropping, he is very smart he can do the work. He is purpopsly failing. It's not that he can't do the work, he is making a choice to not do it. I have another child who is having issues and honestly can't get A's most of the time, we celebrate her doing her best. Also my son has only one friend. She feels sorry for him, she also doesn't understand why he does the things he does. I know Tybee, and I know that would support her daughter if she felt her daughter was trying at all, that's what kills a parent is when the kid is not even trying, when they fail on purpose.
((((((Tybee))))))
I think sometimes people just don't get the dynamics of certain children. I don't have any personal family experience with this, but I read the pain in your posts and just wanted to come and give you a small post of support...it's not enough, but I think and pray for people that I read posts from on here and I just hope that you continue to find the strength to make it daily.
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ladyjubilee
Well, hmmm. I'm glad you've gotten a lot of support from other posters and I know my response isn't going to be taken as supportive but here it is anyway.....I see a whole lot of "I"s in your post. You're embarrassed, you were a great student, you wanted her to get awards. Well, ya' know, good for for you. I'm sure you did enjoy awards, enjoyed getting the recognition of good grades, wanted to be seen with your game face.....But is your daughter an extension of you or is she a separate person? What if going to the awards was more about her enjoying going to school and being with the community and getting recognized with the team was the "reward".....and what if she is refusing your help because your expectations are taking that joy from her?The reality is that stellar grades and awards are nice, learning in school and gaining the social skills of team sports are the true awards. Contrary to what we think, good grades and awards aren't necessarily the keys to success that we pretend. Sooooo, maybe she can shine in other areas---and just maybe she is rebelling against shining in the areas where she can't compete. Let's be honest, if sometimes kids *think* they can't compete (particularly with a parent) then they will win the battle by not competing or failing fantastically. Sometimes I just think we see our kids as mirrors of ourselves and put our hopes and dreams on them....which is a pretty heavy burden to be added to what they already face just being kids.Plus, I....well, I'm saddened. Your daughter has friends---which is one of the greatest gifts any person can have....and let's be honest far too many kids don't have friends---and its surprising that she has them because of her "flaws"? Perhaps her friends see something in her that is more valuable than any sports award or "good grade".
:grouphug: Tybee,
I don't even know what to say, other than that I understand where you are coming from and am very well aware that, yes, it can be incredibly embarrassing to be the parent of a RAD child (or any child, actually, who is making foolish choices). I can acknowledge, praise, encourage, focus on, and otherwise obsess on my kids' good qualities, but I'm sorry, when they are choosing to live their lives primarily employing their bad ones, YES, I AM EMBARRASSED. Does that mean I don't love them? No! Does that mean that I want nothing to do with the foolishness they are living in at the moment? Yes. At times I want to buy a tshirt saying, "Yes, my kids have been taught to know better," but in the end, it wouldn't do any good. Just remember that there are those of us who "get it." :grouphug:
Perhaps I should have made it more explicit that my child has RAD. And that I am not asking her to be valedictorian or even a great athlete. I would like her to try her best, to allow her natural talents to present themselves, to not dive to the bottom of her class. She currently has a 0.8 average. That is, sub-D. She does not have a learning disability or a low IQ. She is performing way, way below her ability academically and athletically. Her behavior in class is disruptive, to put it mildly.
She is an avoidantly attached person, so she is not, in fact, socially gifted. That is her greatest challenge.
I am not looking for her to be an extension of myself--we could not be more different. I am fine with different. I am very, very sad about her deliberate rejection of success that could so easily be hers. And I I do view her situation as the result of her choices, and I recognize I have no control over them.
What I was doing was grieving her losses, grieving her wasted talents, her low self-esteem, her needless failures. As I think I made clear, I work very hard to place our relationship first. I love her regardless of what destructive choices she makes, and regardless of her very classically RAD treatment of our family.
To those of you who posted to tell me you thought I am not a good mother, all while acknowledging you don't know my family's situation, may I suggest before flaming someone you search their posts? This site does have a feature that lets you do that. A search of my posts would reveal some hair-raising stuff, like having this very daughter break my nose in a rage, having to impose line-of-sight supervision due to intrasibling sexual reactivity, dealing with animal cruelty, and other classic RAD behaviors. It lists some of the interventions I've obtained for my kids, including attachment therapy, biomedical interventions, tutoring, biofeedback, neurofeedback training, and of course the usual stuff families do like sports camps, museum trips, concerts, theater productions, art exhibits, church involvement, reading together, praying together, family meals, etc., etc. I have done my best, and I have worked tirelessly to create an environment of healing for them. Your criticisms are inaccurate and out of line.
Many RAD moms who post are so wounded and broken inside from the emotional and physical abuse meted out by their tragically damaged children. Really, our suffering should be enough to satisfy anyone. No need to pile on. I know I have done good work as a mother, fortunately, so I can dismiss your posts as those of ill-informed, inconsiderate people. But you might really hurt a more vulnerable person. I've been at this for 5 years. Had you posted these comments in year 1 or 2, I likely would have been very hurt. You have the potential to really wound parents who are working very hard at loving children who reject the very idea of love.
To the supportive posters, thank you for your compassion and kindness. That's the value of these boards. I think it's important that we have a place where we can be honest about the challenges of raising attachment disordered children.
I don't usually post about parenting topics bc I am not a parent... BUT I just wanted to say that the very first thing I thought of when reading your original post was how great it was for you to cook and get dressed up for the banquet and be so supportive despite everything else that was going on with the situation.
I am in awe of some of you parents. Reading about some of the behaviors your RAD kids have, it reminds me of how I used to act (or think) growing up. As a result, all the adults in my life would only last a very short time (regardless of what they might have promised). I am so impressed by all of you and thankful that you do all that you do and care all that you do!!
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I don't have your issues...yet, but I'm always thinking about how I would handle it. I made up my mind that if anyone didn't like me at the school it would be the administration and teachers because I was going to be my child's biggest advocate. I know...it helps, if they give you something to advocate for! In my dream world, I wonder if this will work:
Tell your daughter that you are so glad she has friends, is appreciated on the team, etc. You are so proud! Maybe next year you can get that GPA up by working really hard on one of her classes. Ask her which class does she think she can get the grade up. Then you and her work on whatever she picks. That way, you are not putting too much on her and it's a collabrative effort. So, her GPA goes to a 1.7. Then you go to the school and fight for her to get to play because of her learning disability, even though she doesn't meet the regular standards.
It may not work, but these are the kind of things I play with in my mind as things I may need to do.
Good luck! I know you love your kid and are trying. It has to be exhausting.
Thanks for thinking of us. My daughter doesn't have a learning disability. She's perfectly capable of having passing grades, and even B's, she just chooses not to do so.
The school has done literally nothing wrong. There is nothing to fight. I love the school. They have been loving and accepting of her, and a great support to me.
Right now they are working on a plan to help her by requiring her attendance at silent study halls, checking her assignments at the end of the day, and compiling weekly reports from her teachers. She wanted to participate in a group that meets with their excellent school counselor, who is an LCSW and adoptive parent. She is excellent.
Before becoming a foster adoptive parent, I was a child welfare lawyer, and I also did special education advocacy. It's not that I am shy or don't know how to advocate, there is literally nothing I'd ask for that they don't already do. It's not them, it's her.
I do congratulate her on making nice friends, and I encourage her to deepen those friendships. Most of her friends are themselves athletes, and they are too busy to hang out, because they are not failing, and they are therefore at practice every day until 6, and then they have 2 to 3 hours of homework a day, too.
My daughter has some good stuff inside her, and I tell her this. I simply grieve that she will not allow most of it to come out, but instead makes destructive choices that limit her future.
If she were trying her hardest, and still making a .8, I would be proud of her for trying, I really would. It's not so much that she does not get sports awards, it is that she doesn't do the minimal work it would take to be a passing student so she would be eligible to participate in sports, which are her gift and her joy.
It would be disingenous to claim that I was proud of her destructive choices. I am sad for her. Her life will be harder for her because of them. I cannot control that. The school cannot control that. We can only structure her environment as best we can and give her love. I do that, and so do they. The rest is up to her, and so far, she's choosing to fail.