Help me prepare for communication after adoption from foster care.

For me the fact that the parents are openly disrespectful toward you is a significant factor. I understand totally that they are in pain over the situation and that people have all different ways of dealing with painful feelings--I am not discounting them. And, I'd be hopeful that as time passes, they may be able to deal with their feelings in ways that don't put the children in an awkward position, so I wouldn't want to burn any bridges. At the same time, what is best for children is not to be part of a tug o'war, and it seems like visits would put them in that position. I think it's better to start out with less contact and work up to more if/when the kids want it and if/when the parents are able to respect your role in their childrens' lives. Every child and situation is different. But they all need to feel secure in their attachments and that it's okay to love and respect the folks who are parenting them on a daily basis. If the first parents aren't willing to let their children feel okay about that, it may be best to limit their influence.

I have not had contact with any of kids bio parents after TPR, just because it really hasn't been good for them. I do have contact with some extended family members aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I would say I have had to set really good boundaries with family members. I have been very upfront with them that if they cannot respect those boundaries than they will not be able to have contact with the children because it is not good for the kids to be constantly in the middle. If they really care about the kids, they will respect your wishes, if not you have to make the decision about what is best for your kids. That may not be face to face contact.

My DD was really young when TPR happened, so we discontinued all visits. In fact, I don't know if I could find her bioparents if I tried right now (they don't show up on a google search and haven't had stable housing). I do have a name and address for an extended relative and I've considered sending periodic updates and requesting pics and more info about their family. If/when I do it, I'll use a PO Box as none of her biofamily has any of our identifying info. Our CW discouraged any ongoing contact.

We are two years post adoption this week (we finalized on National Adoption Day 2007). We have an open adoption agreement which calls for two visits per year. Prior to TPR bmom was generally rude to me or ignored me. I offered her pictures at every foster care review or court date. Her husband also really rubbed me the wrong way and made me a bit nervous. We have taken it slowly. They only have a PO Box address for us and only know our first names. We have had three visits so far and they have all gone very well. We meet in a public place. So far it has been the public library for story hour, a local park for play and a picnic and an indoor playground. There is much less tension now that the court case is over and DCF is not in the middle (plus she had a horrid lawyer who maintained much more drama than neccessary). She and her husband are friendly and respectful. We have seriously enjoyed every visit and look forward to the next one. They have gone so well that we are open to meeting other members of her family. These are hard choices, particularly when adopting from foster care where we know the negatives in the bparents' histories. There isn't one right answer.

We have no contact with bioparents of our daughter and the biomom is related to my hubby. She also did not respect us nor follow our boundaries or rules so we ended up ceasing contact. We started out very small and she couldn't even do that. She tried to manipulate the contact and only do it when it was good for her sake and not our daughters. Even though we had clear cut boundaries she still tried to sidestep them. We do have contact with one set of grandparents but not the other because they are not safe. She also has contact with her half sister and half brother when possible (they live across the country). Sometimes it's best to not have contact if you feel it will affect the child. It depends upon your situation and what you feel is best for the child. And if you aren't sure you want to completely cut off contact I would only allow small contact. We started with twice a year phone calls and a PO Box for letter writing. Just because they are the bioparents does not make their relationship safe for the child. You have to determine that.

My kids BMom is toxic. Borderline Personality Disorder and total lack of boundaries. I feel bad that my kids will have to find this out some day :( You have to remember that you can always add contact but you can never untell them something. Duh, I know. I started with a very generic email address and she doesn't know the kids new last names. I thought as time went by I'd be open to more but my kids become unstable and act out after even talking to her. Still, I can email her for med info and send her updates on the kids every few months and do hear back from her. i don't want to have some big dramatic "searching for birthmom" thing someday because I just think it iwll be a letdown when they find out how dysfunctional she is. So I will just be able to say, here's her email- good luck! Just go with your gut. If you don't think it's good for YOUR kids. Don't do it. You don't owe the bios anything, but your kids do deserve to know their history. From whom, how much, and at what age is up to you. Good luck, this is just the beginning of navigating the world of adoptions from foster care!!!!