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Hi, I am not an adoptee, but am dating an adoptee. We have been dating for nearly a year and a half and are head over heels in love with eachother, although there are a few issues that have popped up recently. He met his birth Mum for the first time this september. It all went pretty well, she was nice enough to both of us and was keen to see him again. He found out that he has a older half-sister (22) who knows about him and a younger half-brother (6) who is too young to be told (apparently). He met up with his half-sister, and again that seemed to go okay and they were texting and chatting afterwards until she asked why he was adopted. He told her the real reason and when she showed her mum, i.e. his birth mum she TEXT him and said that her and her husband had sat down and chatted and descided to pay more attention to his half-brother..and didn't want to see him anymore. Obviously he has taken this hard. But I really don't know what to do? I'm here for him emotionally, I haven't pushed him to talk about anything, I've done everything he has asked and yet he is still picking fights with me over silly things. He is very angry at the moment too, he blew up at me for saying one word answers to my ex, said that he owns me, that love has peaks and troughs, that he doesn't want me to tell him that I love him because he doesn't need to hear that right now..etc etc I guess I am just asking for advice in any form..I am at a complete loss and I've no one to talk to about this because no one else that I know is in my shoes..please help.
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Wow...I am really sorry that you (and he) are having to go through this. I've been through the secondary loss, like your boyfriend - he's feeling pushed away again I would imagine, much like I did when my own birth mother did something similar. He's likely pushing you, just to see how far he has to push to get you to leave him too.Ya know - I really have no advice (and it's posts like this that make me wish my husband would post here) - because I have no idea why my husband stuck it out - I mean I do, because he loves me - but lord knows, looking back to how I treated him and how I pushed him, I'm not sure love is even enough. It was bad.I suspect it's going to take time. He needs to know you're there for him, that you love him, that you aren't going to leave. He's trying to make you leave, even if he doesn't realize he's doing it (I didn't and it took a really great therapist to show me).He may feel worthless - people who aren't supposed to 'leave' have 'left' him - he's waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.Again, I really have no advice, outside of just hanging in there and reassuring him that you're in it for the long haul - that you're not going anywhere - that you want to help him through this. He'll keep pushing...I just hope he stops and realizes what he's doing before it's to late...(I am editing this to add the following)My husband said I acted like I wanted him to prove to me that he would fight for me. I would walk away to see if he would come after me. I would push, to see if he would pull. It was a test and I needed him to pass it to prove he loved me. (I'm dictating, because he won't post, but this all sounds pretty solid, based on what I remember). He said I needed him to prove his love for me and that he wasn't just going to walk away, like others in my life had done. (end of him telling me what to type and now, back to me)He's right - I recall that being what it was for us - I needed him to make me feel like I was worth fighting for. He did and here we are, 10 (married) years later...I'm only sharing how it was for me (or us rather) - it's not like that for all adopted people - some have similar experiences to mine - while others have no emotional impact at all - everyone is different.
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Simpleandsweet, Brandy is spot on as usual. I went through many phases of pushing people to see if they would go away and probably if I am honest, still do that sometimes. From the time I was a child, I have always wondered in each relationship when they would leave. When would they see the fatal flaw in me that others could see and that I could not. Sometimes it was just better that I would push them away sooner rather than later as in my mind it would hurt less. You sound invested in the relationship for the long haul. Create a mantra that you can repeat to yourself to get you through it...I will not let him down while he goes through this pain or something along those lines. Then feel free to come here and vent and talk... The second time an adoptee is rejected by a birth famiy member (some always feel they were rejected at birth so second is based on that), it opens and widens the original scar. It takes time and perhaps even years to heal, although he should show signs of healing. He is relatively young so he may not have the life skills to make the journey any easier but he does have you, hold tight but also stand up for yourself, define what you can accept and when he crosses that line you need to tell him he has to respect you too. Welcome, come and join in whenever you need to. Kind regards,Dickons
Thank you both for your words of wisdom! It has honnestly taken a load of my shoulders.
His Mum and I (Adoptive Mum) and I sat down last night and had a wee chat about everything..she is very worried about him being so disruptive, he is pushing her and his dad away too, being very rude and inconsiderate, and we are all scared he is going to take his anger out on someone else.
I hope everything clicks into place before it is too late.
Thank you for letting me know that other people have been through something similar and that there is light at the end of the tunnel..
Anything that you can think of that would help i'd love to hear, anything that you didn't like or didn't feel was helpful too.