Denial and a Third Birthday

((((((TGM)))))) I know exactly how you feel. I have gotten to the point now, today is my bdaughters 27th birthday :cake: , that I don't go into denial any longer, but I still "feel" every minute of this day and for days leading up to and days after. I just wanted to chime in and say that it's OK. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You deserve it!

TGM, I don't think you are in denial at all. I think you are realistically needing a break and that is OK. Sometimes you just have to say "heck with it all" and I know there is the guilt that comes with that because you really do want to see Cupcake, but if Dee is making it difficult or impossible, how much more energy can you really put into this upcoming visit (that looks like it simply won't be) before you totally burn out? To be honest with you, the birthdays were not too bad for me overall. The first birthday was very hard, but with subsequent birthdays, I celebrated them from afar and am usually just more reflective on that day, with some years being more bittersweet than others. Of course, I never had the added balancing act inherent with OA, and the difficulties you have with your daughter's mom. I can totally see where that would have made things much harder if I had a similar situation. To be faced with having an anticipated visit around the birthday that never materializes is a LOT to deal with. There is the anger, disappointment, frustration, confusion, etc. and then there is the emotional aspect of your daughter's birthday overlaying all that. If you need to just chill this year, give yourself that. Allow it, and try not to guilt out over it. It sounds like you really just need a break right now, to just shut down a bit, and just not think about all of it. I hope you will take care of yourself and try to be kind to yourself during this time. Do something nice for yourself if you can. You deserve it!!!!

I am the queen of denial...denial has helped me cope with so many things, and pushed me through until I until I had the strength to deal in the way I needed to. Like others have said it is a coping mechanism the problem arises when it goes to long and the denial turns around and hurts you in the end.I have a suggestion. If you really are unable to deal with her birthday, arranging a meeting and coping with all the emotions that come with it...then don't. As an adoptee I can't imagine at three years old worrying where my bmom was. I am not sure I know what a bday was..actually I think I had my first party at three when I was finelly placed...anyway....I remember bits and pieces of it and what stood out was the cake and presents. I trully don't beleive your daughter will be traumatized at this point if your not there. Later in life she may ask about whether you thought of her on bdays ect...so my suggestion is to start a bday journal for her....you can add to it on your own time and jot down your thoughts of her current bday, howyou feel about her and your dreams for the new 3 yo....something you can show her when she is an adult.She may be looking for you on her bdays as she gets older but I don't think so at three....You have not disappeared, you are their when you can.I agree about getting help. I so know how it feels to just go throught the motions..that in of itself is depressing.

I have used denial each year for 25 years since my son passed away. The denial period starts when he was born and ends after the day he passed away. I doubt this will ever change. No one talks or asks me about it, end of story as I would not respond. I even went so far as having it in my contract at work that the last week of that time period I would never be required to work. And I agree with Dpen - I have very few memories from that age and a birthday journal for future is an excellent idea - even if you write in it six months after the day... Just be kind to yourself and do not beat yourself up as there is no reason to. Kind regards,Dickons

I like the idea of the journal as well. At three, I'm thinking opening those pretty boxes would be the priority, as well as, sticking my fingers in the icing? At over 40, being able to read a journal of my Bmom/Bdad, where they shared how much they thought of me, and loved me on my birth day, well, I'm welling up with tears just thinking about it. That's something I will never have, but it's a fabulous gift you can give cupcake. Oh, and therapy is where I learned the denial thing is O.K. Actually, the only time I'm not in that denial and numb state lately, is in my therapy sessions, and reading the boards here. Hey, you've heard of pity parties? What do you say we have a denial party? I'll start. I'm vibrantly young, blindingly beautiful, uhm, no punn intended, have a Barbie body (lol),going to be discovered any second now, and become rich and famous. Yep, sounds good to me. Ha, ha, and since I can't see myself in the mirror (that blind thing), and my husband is always telling me I'm pretty (what a guy), I'll never know any different, and no one can convince me otherwise. How's that for denial? lol P.S. my therapist says I'm a bit idealistic...ya think? TGM, therapy is the best thing I ever did for myself. My insurance covered it, and no one I work with knows...privacy laws, you know. Hope my denial party put a little smile on your face, or, at least, made you giggle at my silliness.

There is NO requirement that you process your adoption feelings every day of the year, and you can choose your days off--it doesn't mean that you aren't dealing. I wouldn't even call it denial. But like others have said, needing a break just means that you're human and hurting. If you know the day is likely to be hard for you, I say treat yourself; baby yourself a little! Watch Monday Night Football, go sing karaoke, eat ice cream in the bathtub--whatever will make you feel better. If I were in your shoes, I'd mail a card and wash my hands of it this year. We all saw you try, but no matter how hard you work, it takes two people to get that see-saw going.(((((((((TGM))))))))

Thank you all - seriously! And shadow - consider this my RSVP for Denial-Fest '09! Susie....I must say, having Monday night football to distract me won't hurt :) I do think that the journal is a great idea, and I think I'll pick one up so that I can someday have that for her. I've written things here and there, but I've never been very good at keeping them up. Something like a specific journal for birthdays, maybe even holidays, seems much more manageable and not such a daunting task. Thanks again everyone - this really does help.

I think there is this expectation that as birthparents, if we are not dealing with adoption 100% of the time, then we don't love our children. And nothing could be further than the truth. To us, relinquishing a child is a traumatic thing, and you can't keep actively living trauma it's not healthy. Denial is a survival tool, it's healthy to take the focus off adoption every so often and just BE. Besides. it's not your whole existance, the other parts of you (daughter, sister, kick butt cyber buddy :cool: ) need front and center time too. You aren't denying Cupcake's existance, just giving yourself a break from actively participating. Like Susie said, it's not even denial, it's just a break. You are allowed, be kind to yourself! Cupcake wants that more than anything :grouphug:

So true. Have monday night football and a drink :grouphug:

Thanks gals :) (though the game this monday night isn't exactly a real nail biter is it???? bumski)

I had to go into denial about my son's birthday for at least the first 5 years maybe 10. I was in such denial I'm not sure how long that lasted! I was doing really well since then until his 18th birthday just a few months ago. I think it's normal that our ability to cope with adoption waxes and wanes. If you need to cope with her birthday by being in denial then that is OK. I hope next year will be better. :grouphug:

Hey Gwen - I wasn't around a computer all weekend but I didn't see this until just now. ((((hugs)))) to you too.

TG, I'm with Brown and Leigh. We don't have to live adoption every moment of our lives. It becomes overwhelming. I live by the fake it until you make it..... yep that is some denial going on sometimes, but you know, it gets me through a cruddy day, I don't care.

TG, I hope the day is going ok. Today is the 59th anniversary of my parents' wedding (They were married Thanksgiving Day, 1950.) and the first one without either one of them. This is the first Thanksgiving I will not be cooking for many years. On the positive side I will be spending the day at my bson's. (BTW, TG - I have used denial a good bit in the last 37 years. Although actually, I think of it as compartmentalization! For years I kept adoption issues tucked away in a mental compartment and took them out occasionally to work on and then tucked them away again. Nowhere is it written that we have to work on ANYTHING 24/7!) That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!

I think you're definitely onto something here kathy....and it does sound better, so I'll take it! :)