Am I going crazy?!?

I think you are finally grieving the terrible loss of your son to adoption. I still grieve the loss of my daughter 20 years ago and we are in reunion. Adoption is built on loss and events happen in your child's life and you realise that you have no control - so you feel helpless and hopeless or good things happen and there's feelings of loss because you're not part of it or only got a photo. I remember a few years back my bdaughter did well in some school exams and I was proud until I realised that it had nothing to do with me. It was her parents hard work making her study and her own effort as well. Adoption is dsyfunctional by it's very nature so I believe we have to accept that it's totally abnormal and us first mothers have no control or say in how our child is raised.

Teri, I’m sorry you’re going through this – it’s so hard when you suddenly become overwhelmed with emotion. I have had to, sadly, face a very different reality for my daughter than the one I thought I was choosing for her. It’s like, I knew from the very start that I was giving up my right to make parenting choices for her and by default, giving up the right to have an opinion or any input on the way she is/was raised – but that doesn’t make seeing the stark reality of her upbringing and her life a blow that is easier to absorb. It is, I think, one of the hardest things about open adoption – that is, knowing the daily parenting choices that are being made and knowing that there are decisions being made that you wouldn’t make…but also knowing you’re not able to do anything about it.As for your name – that’s just sad. Whether intentional or unintentional – having the role you play in their life disrespected to the point of misspelling your name must be very hurtful. I really don’t have any advice to offer there. I know, on one hand, you may want to email back and say “you spelled my name wrong…” – but on the other hand, you might be to afraid to rock the boat. I get that too. I’m sure starting the letter off on a ‘bad note’ like that made everything else that much harder to read…I hope you can find a way to vocalize your thoughts and feelings in a way that makes you comfortable, so that you can get past this and hopefully start some respectful dialogue with your child’s parents regarding your name……as for parenting choices, it’s hard. I have no advice – I’d say I’d welcome any of the advice offered on the same topic – but the reality for me is, it’s just never going to be something I am ever going to feel like I can vocalize to her parents and besides, she’s a teen now, so any damage done is done. Sadly.

Thank you guys for the support!!! It truly means the world to me right now. Last night was bad, I think I was having an anxiety attack. But I really am finally grieving the loss of my son... ready or not, here it is. I tried talking to my Mom about me being upset that they are raising him differently, but all she had to say was "Unfortunately they are not you". She is still angry with me for placing him, so she never says much. However what she said is true so I suppose I have to take that and accept it. I'd love to find someone who has gotten their regular life back... had no more pain or grief from the adoption. But does such a thing even exist? Never did I think this would be such an awful impact on my life. But then again, I guess I didn't know a Mother's Love until I held him... by then it was too late. greenbottles - I really loved how you said: "Adoption is dysfunctional by it's very nature so I believe we have to accept that it's totally abnormal" Couldn't describe it better myself. It's actually how I'm feeling about it. Brandy - Thankfully I'm not the only one who is bothered by the misspelled name. It made me feel very uncared about and unimportant. It was just one little misspelling... but I'm happy someone understands that it's a big deal to someone like us. Thanks you again. This support really helps!

Teri,My son's parents have made a lot of choices that I wouldn't make, but it helps me to keep in mind both that I know that their choices are made thoughfully, in love, and that kids raised all kinds of different ways turn out great: breastfed kids, bottlefed kids, vegan kids, kids who get dressed funny, kids who take karate and kids who take ballet. I'm not naturally good at letting go...but it helps me to try. That about your name completely stinks, tho. =/ I hope you feel comfortable letting them know (again!) the correct spelling. Maybe she has a friend who spells it the other way and is unconsciously making a positive connection?

Hi, No, you're not going crazy. I think it's very normal for b-moms to be hurt because our expectations are not being met. For me, i was very saddened when i realized that 99% of the effort for any type of relationship with my son or his a-parents was put on me. When i pictured an open adoption i never would have thought it would be so one-sided. I was let down, and I had so many horrible feelings and anger surrounding the adoption. You still made an amazing sacrifice for you b-son, Even though things are not ideal. Just remind yourself of why you chose adoption in the first place. Now i can honestly say i feel at peace with everything. I had to except the reality of the situation. That it would never be this picture perfect relationship. And i had work really hard at looking at the positive. Hey, at least i still see him, right? And then some really great things happened in my life. I got married and just had a baby. This was the first year in 11 that I haven't had a total break down on his birthday.

I remember going through the exact emotions you have discribed about the time my child was 7. Like it was time to deal with the loss I had been putting off. I told myself I didn't deserve to grief since I had done this to myself. I also remember cringing at their parenting choices, too. Not really bad stuff but like they got her ears peirced at 6 months and bought her a walker. Walkers aren't safe and they are stupid and not necessary. Then at 7 I realized she was not getting the gifts I was sending. Appearently because they pretended I didn't exist. Seems there was a lot of pretending going on on both sides. My pain didn't exist and I didn't exist. I had expected to be able to write to her as soon as she could understand who I was but was put off because "I didn't exist". I cut off communication then because if my child wasn't to know me then maybe I shouldn't know her. Maybe given a choice, that would have been her preference. I felt so angry and disappointed. I couldn't wait until she was 18 so she could decide. I guess it sort of hits you when you began to see their little individual characters are blossoming. You see yourself in them as well as maybe grandma's smile or auntie's eyes. I didn't allow the grief until my daughter was 17 and I couldn't keep it at bay any longer. When the emotions attempted to creep in when she was 7, I shut down and cut loose. I don't know, I guess I dealt with it best I could. Denial seemed like a bargain at the time. You know, there is no good way, just let yourself grieve. It does get better. Maybe with counseling you can work through the grief properly and prior to reunion.If you wait until then, it gets in the way of your relationship. I like that description of adoption as being unnatural. It is! and their is no getting your head around it being normal. Adoption is Loss and even in the best of circumstances the pain is undescribable. Having a "good" situation like mine did help in the greiving process and most of the pain has subsided making way for the old me. Their was some good to focus on at least. I know (I think)I have a happy child. No, you aren't crazy. You are a normal person reacting to an abnormal situation.

TeRi, you mention that you stuffed your feelings for so long, and only now are getting them out. First of all KUDOS TO YOU for taking that first courageous step to open up. It is not easy to open up like that, but I believe it is a necessary step in healing. I imagine once you opened up, it was like a floodgate opening, and now you have been hit with so many very strong emotions coming at you at once. It must feel like a Tsunami! This is not easy for anyone, so please don't think you are going crazy or losing it. What you are going through is NORMAL and you need to just grieve and feel whatever it is you are feeling, whether it is anger, sadness, grief, or any other emotion. It has to come out, and it is sometimes hard to imagine "normal" life again when in the midst of it, but I do believe it can get better. Secondly, I cannot imagine how very hard it must be to navigate an OA. As much as I sometimes wish very much I could have had one, I do feel I would be struggling very much with some of the same issues expressed here. I know I would have been observing my son's parents and finding things about their parenting that wouldn't sit right with me or that I wouldn't agree with. ANY mother would do this if they had to watch someone else raise their children! I don't think anyone can raise our children the way we would have, had we had the opportunity. So not only is there the loss of our child/ren to adoption, there is the loss of the parenting role we would have liked to have had. That doesn't mean the way the adoptive parents are raising our children is necessarily wrong (unless it is really bad or abusive), but just not how we would want to do it, and it must be terribly difficult to compare and want to intervene with our way of doing things. Even in my semi-open adoption, sometimes I'd get a letter and read certain things into it. I used to be concerned, for instance, that since my son's parents were financially better off than me, that my son would be focused on money and material things, and that his parents would pressure or push him into a career that wasn't in his nature so long as it was prestigious and commanded a high salary. This is actually the farthest thing from the truth, so my fears were unfounded, but was still something I worried about based on how I was reading between the lines. Had I actually been there to SEE how he was being raised, I'm sure I'd have had stronger opinions and would have been looking at everything with a more critical eye. It's not like we can turn that off, you know! These are still our children in our hearts and souls, even though we are not raising them and legally they are no longer ours. Please know, however, that your child will still have traits and talents that he gets from you, that you will have contributed to, and that are inbred in him, no matter what his upbringing or how he was nurtured and parented. He will be a product of BOTH his nature and his nurture. And having an OA will allow you to have a greater connection to him, even though it brings its own unique challenges and difficulties. TeRi, I'm sorry your mom is not able to be more supportive. I know she disagrees with your decision to place your child, but I wish she could still try and find some empathy and better understanding. All too often, though, I've seen from a good number of first moms, that our own mothers cannot even comprehend what we have been through. My own mother, when I was grieving terribly only two weeks after having my son, told me "I thought you'd be over this by now!" Amazing! TeRi, for me (and I am only speaking for me here), whether I placed or parented, I still wouldn't have my "regular" life back, but I do feel I was able to put back the pieces and even come out in many ways stronger for what I had been through. It is by no means easy. With adoption, there are grieving and loss issues that are unique to that situation. Unfortunately, I don't think the impact of that can even be fully understood or explained until one is already going through it. In my situation, it did get easier for me after the first year, and I was able to move forward and get my life back on track. From time to time, things would stir me up, but it was not an unbearable situation. It's like I might have a bad day, have a good cry, talk about it, and then be ok. It got harder for me after my son was grown and a LOT of things got stirred up with the possibility of reunion. You may end up having an advantage here with an OA, in that you will have a foundation with your son, and he will know you for real, instead of only through pictures and letters. Do you journal??? You certainly express yourself well in writing. Sometimes it can be really helpful and therapeutic to write out all your feelings. Anything creative can be a good outlet for you right now, if you can find the energy to do this. Exercise can also help immensely with depression and anxiety. Even if you have to scream and pound a pillow, anything to let it out, do it (as long as it is safe). Come here and vent, too, whenever you need to! :grouphug: