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I was really scared but I finally sat my parents down and told them about meeting my bmom. They were fine with it!! I don't know what I was worried about and I should have had more faith in them. They had lots of questions but seemed genuinely unphased by it. My mom even laughed at me a little for even thinking that they would be upset. They were quite curious about her. I guess it never really occurred to me that they may be a little curious about my bfamily too. They were a little worried though, basically because they wanted to make sure I wasn't being taken advantage of. I assured them that it was fine and that they didn't have to worry...they raised a strong girl after all!!
I still worry though about what that feels like for my mom and dad. They say they are fine but I still have that worry in the back of my mind. I'm so happy that they feel so secure in our relationship, enough to not feel threatened. It makes me feel that much more blessed to have them as my parents.
Anyway, things are calm now with I like! It feels really good.
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Ami, I bet thats a load of your mind. It must be a good feeling to know that it was not as bad as you feared. As far as them being curious..well...they love you and probaly want to know about the one theing they could not give you. If done right...it is a wonderful thing to be able to put all the pieces together.
Ami, I'm glad you were able to tell your parents! It must be a load off of you. I'm glad, too, that they took this news so well. I understand you have concerns about how they feel deep down, but I hope you can understand, too, that even if they do have some rough feelings, it's not necessarily bad in and of itself, you know? Nor are you responsible for that. I think with adoption issues, things can be so multi-faceted, and we all go through an array of feelings with reunion. Your parents may have moments where they have doubts or concerns, but it sounds like they will be able to work through that if it does come up. My guess is this whole experience will bring you and your parents even closer together. And I can tell you, from a birth mother's perspective, the last thing in the world I would want if I were in reunion, would be for it to cause any discord between my son and his parents.
I was going to basically just echo Just Peachy's post. I think as a parent in general, sometimes your kids do things you don't necessarily feel 100% about, kwim? But as the parent you support your child and you deal with your own feelings on things without putting it on your kid. Plus, I bet they ARE truly happy for you and it sounds like any "doubt" they might have but not necessarily sharing is the protectiveness coming out. Just the way it is I think.:)Nothing to worry about, imo. It's just a parent thing. LOL!
I agree with Peachy and Crick. I don't think it's whether or not your parents HAVE feelings regarding your reunion, it's how they HANDLE those feelings.
I don't doubt that they are genuinely happy for you and as long as they are supporting you, that's what's most important. The fact that they CAN openly support you indicates (to me) that they are able to handle themselves whatever "other" feelings they have, without needing YOU to handle those feelings for them.
I'm glad everything is working out for you and they are really supportive. Just when we think we have our parents all figured out, they go and throw us a curveball LOL :p
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Amilynn22
I was really scared but I finally sat my parents down and told them about meeting my bmom. They were fine with it!! I don't know what I was worried about and I should have had more faith in them. They had lots of questions but seemed genuinely unphased by it. My mom even laughed at me a little for even thinking that they would be upset. They were quite curious about her. I guess it never really occurred to me that they may be a little curious about my bfamily too. They were a little worried though, basically because they wanted to make sure I wasn't being taken advantage of. I assured them that it was fine and that they didn't have to worry...they raised a strong girl after all!!
I still worry though about what that feels like for my mom and dad. They say they are fine but I still have that worry in the back of my mind. I'm so happy that they feel so secure in our relationship, enough to not feel threatened. It makes me feel that much more blessed to have them as my parents.
Anyway, things are calm now with I like! It feels really good.
Sorry if I am over stepping... But I can't help reading this post and it touching my heart! I just adopted a baby girl (3 months old) and have been wondering someday if she would be upset about being adopted and want to find her birth parents. I know everyone is different but just curious at what age where you told about being adopted and any advice on how to approach this subject would be VERY much appreciated. We love her more than life itself and we would never want to hurt her. Thanks for story :)
Kitty, Its not so much as being upset about being adopted...being upset about being adopted and searching are 2 vastly differnt things. I did not grow up being upset at being adopted but I did search. I searched to have my questions answered, to know about my biology(heritage, medical ect) and to complete the picture..not divide it. Me searching had no bearing on the love I had for my adoptive parents. Me searching changed nothing in terms of me searching. I was told I was adopted from the start as were my other 3 sibs...it was just a fact of our lives. You won't hurt her if you understand that she really is the result of 2 sets of parents...her physciality and inherited traits came from on set and the fine tuning of those traits came from you. Both extremly important and she needs to know that both are impoirtant for her own self respect. Even if her bparents do ahve problems she needs to know that her biology is still ok because its what makes here...her.
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Kitty,I also searched and it had nothing to do with being unhappy with my family, or being adopted. I simply needed to know where I came from, genetic wise. My parents were always encouraging and talked as positively as they could about my bparents. (they had very little info to go on) That made things much easier. They always made it clear that I had 2 families. The one who raised me and I lived with, and the one that gave me a start. I think they realized I would one day be able to figure out the difference for myself, and that having another set of parents wasn't a threat to them, or who they are to me. I know it must be very tough on adoptive parents to think about sharing, but in reality, there is enough love to go around, and it's usually our aparents who teach us the value of love, and give us the freedom to love others. In no way has finding my bparents diminished my love or relationship with my Mom. (my Dad is deceased) How sweet of you to think of this while your daughter is so young. She is obviously very lucky to have you.
Thanks for the insight and advice :). It gives me great relief to know some adopted children - now adults - feel this strongly about the bond they have with the adoptive parents. I will always support her in any way she needs and yes its hard not to feel threatened by bio parents. But after reading these posts I see how unimportant the title of mom really is and how important the role I play in her life is!
What advice would you give me in handling the subject of her bio mom since she is alcoholic and I would not want to make it seem like I am putting her down but also I don't want to lie or down play the situation in case she does search and the result is not what she might expect? And what age would this be appropriate? Sorry but these are very sensitive issues and never want to hurt my daughter and would love to hear your thoughts! Thanks soooo much!!!
I don't think I can help on the age appropriate issue. I think alcoholism is a disease and there is nothing wrong with telling her that her Mom loved her, was dealing with a severe illness, and wasn't equipped to raise her. As you feel is appropriate, you can start adding details. I think the important thing for her to know is that it had NOTHING to do with her. Remember growing up how you hear things about families, and blood being thicker than water, mothers don't abandon their kids etc... Children can internalize those things as they don't have the world experience to add the exceptions to them.
I am so happy for you!!!
I understand how you feel about wondering what your parents are feeling even though they say they are ok.
I am recently reunited with my birthmother, and my parents knew I was looking and when my birthfamily found me my (A.)parents said they were ok, but a big part of me wonders what they are really feeling because they won't share that with me. I want to reasure them, but if they won't talk it's hard.
I am happy for all of you and glad your parents are ok with it.
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