Am I the only one??

Reading these posts brought tears to my eyes. I've been feeling incredibly alone in my situation. Myforeverkids3, what you described is so similar to mine. Thank you for sharing. Seriously, i am very grateful. I have tears in my eyes as i write this.

For 2 of my siblings this quote holds true: "the money seems to disappear at 18 "... not to mention support, contact. I lost all ties to my parents at that age too. But there was no orphaning, no adoptions, no foster care. Just 2 people who felt no connection to their kids. It is my earnest hope that my experiences with that loss can help me empathize and behae differently with my DD. :hippie:

So I think what you are saying is that the common thread is a disconnect between parents and children regardless of whether they are birth or adopted. Am I understanding you correctly? As far as the money running out at 18: My parents stopped supporting me at 17 when I graduated H.S. and moved out. No help with college, car payment, rent etc. It was all me (except my car ins. which my dad paid because he got a multicar discount) Occasionally he would hand me $20 to fill up my gas tank when I came home for a visit. It was the same for all three of my siblings. That was just my dad's philosophy. Did I mention neither me or my sibs were adopted??

Glad we could be there for you alexap. I had a really good evening with my DD. I made her favorites for dinner, we watched a movie and painted our toe nails together. She tried to push my buttons a little but I decided to let it go and enjoy our time together, and I did! My prayer is that she remembers our good days more than our bad! (which honestly, there are way more good than bad) We had a visit on Saturday. It's very hard to see her with her birth grandma because I can see where all of her helplessness and emotional problems come from. It's not her fault. I do much better when I view her with compassion instead of anger. It's really not personal. She just knows no other way. Now I'M crying!!!

I am so glad my son doesn't feel like you do. :-(

One of my boys (birth child) was more difficult to bond to than the other. He was so different from us, he had an odd temperament, very touchy. So I decided to take the fake it till ya make it road - and it worked. I love him so dearly now, not that i didn't love him before, but now I connect with him. Now it turns out he's got some other stuff going on, probably aspergers - which explains a lot of the odd temperament stuff. I think maybe, instinctively, as mothers we know when something is "off," and our immediate reaction is to reject. I mean, evolutionarily, that makes sense. I sensed something was wrong (aspergers), couldn't put my finger on it, and had difficulty attaching. I really feel this prepared us well for our adopted son, have some slight attachment difficulties with a birth child. My adopted son, my youngest, is very difficult. He loves to push. But he's still very young, and he's only been with us a short time, so I think with more patience on my part things will come together well. I love him, I really do so much. He's such a little love bug when he's not pushing. But the pushing, that's tough. Its like he acts out to push us away. He's deaf, and potentially other problems, so he was sort of the runt in the orphanage. He's had to be a bit tough. And the communication exacerbates things. He signs a bit, but he seems to be learning so slowly. Have you tried some re-parenting type techniques? I know, they sound like a lot of weird stuff, but we use some of them and they really help us. I give our adopted son a bottle periodically even though he's 2.5. Don't let him hold it, really snuggle up. I rock him to sleep like a little baby. For older kids, you can say, "hey, I know i didn't have you as a baby, and that bothers me. I wish I'd gotten to stroke your baby soft skin and give you bottles. Hey I have a funny idea, you wanna play baby?" and you hold them, and yes, give them a bottle or at least snuggle. Hey I know it sounds weird, but at least for a child as young as mine its getting good results. The smell...I'm so glad its not just me. I swear he still smells like garlic and onions!! He demands a bath every day though, so that helps. I use baby shampoo on him, that smell evokes baby bonding type emotions for me. And he has eczema, so i use baby powder scented vaseline on him, same idea. We take the same position as a pp states, that the two "d's" are simply not options. We're in it for the long haul, we've gotta make it work! Attachment therapy and reading books is about all else i'd know to do. We're blessed with a great social worker at our adoption agency, she's walked us through quite a bit with DS already. I think without that extra help, we'd have a lot more problems down the road. Thank you everyone for sharing, I'm putting all of this on a shelf in my mind for later reference! I really appreciate knowing that some of these feelings are normal.

I'm so glad you had a good evening with your daughter! I will definitely keep you and your family in prayer. I actually had a great evening with mine too. It was like a breath of fresh air. I am ordering a couple of books, including the book you mentioned, "Dare" and "Parenting the Hurting Child." May you have many, many more good days with your daughter.

I would never presume to say my life is "just like" someone who was adopted. What I was specifically refering to is the stereotype that adoptive parents' commitment might not be life long.. when compared to "real" parents. And, when convenient, we throw the kids to the world without support. In my experience, adoption vs birth parenting makes no difference as to the likelihood a parent would do this. Because I've watched my brother struggle for decades after being discarded at 19, I would never do this to a child. As for self supporting, it sounds like our dad's were similiar. I've not received a penny since turning 18. I put myself through college and have supported myself since i was 17.

I was so glad to read your post. We have two toddlers that have been home from Gutatemala a year. I have NOT bonded with them esp the the olderI actually feel my self flinch when she touches me. She constantly talks to me follows me around and when she cant do that she just stares at me . i feel like such a souless person anad dont know where to turn there are very few "counselors " that can relate much less help. Everyone says it will get better but it isnt!! If her foster family showed up I would gladly hand her over. The real kicker is that everyone say she is such a joy and so whats wrong with me/???

llg2gt - You might take a look at this thread too [url]http://forums.adoption.com/adoptive-parents-post-adoption-emotional-issues/232695-any-moms-dads-have-trouble-attaching-their-newly-adopted-child.html[/url] for more links and suggestions. Good luck! May you find happiness. (((hugs)))

Today we got my kids birth info that I had been requesting and when I looked at their footprints I cried. I was able to sit with my 6 year old and tell her what time she was born, her length and weight (she was tiny!) It was almost like a "normal" mom would do with her kids. Recanting the story of when they were born. I don't have the story but I have a tangible piece of their birth history. Some evidence that they really were innocent, tiny babies just a few years ago. I know that if I had been there and taken her home that day, I would feel the same way towards her as a do my 2 yr old. I wish my daughter could have had that. I wish she had a mom who adored her. Maybe one day I will.

Thank all of you so much for sharing. It's comforting to know there are others out there feeling the same way. I am committed to my DD. I advocate and fight for her best interests. I fake it best I can, but I think she knows. I feel awful. When she hugs me, sometimes I want to vomit. Then, I feel even more sick for feeling sick about her hugging me. It's a vicious cycle. We're in attachment therapy. We're trying. I'm trying. I WANT things to get better. I try to make the best of each day and not focus on long term...living in the moment helps. Yesterday was a great day and gives me hope for a great day today...I don't think about tomorrow. Smell...thanks for mentioning this too. I thought I was insane to let this bother me. It's a HUGE issue that I'm working to overcome. Weird, but true. :arrow: Again, all of you, :thanks: for sharing!!!

Well, it has been a while since anyone has posted here, but I am just having one of those weeks and finding that life with my DD is very much like a rollercoaster; lots of ups and downs. Overall, I feel much more maternal towards her than I used to. We have had many good days. I have hugged her because I wanted to and very genuinly cared for her when she broke her arm. This week though..has just sucked! I really don't know sometimes if it is me or her that is doing the pushing away. I just know that everything she does drives me crazy right now! The way she chews with her mouth open, interrupts every conversation, asks pointless questions, talks so loudly that the baby covers her ears (when I am on the phone) and then talks so quietly I cannot even hear her (when I ask her something) carving letters into my furniture, telling me what we are doing for the day, telling me that "when I lived with mawmaw _______." to try and manipulate me into giving her what she wants, being so angelic for everyone else. OH, and then she tried to get her camera back that had been taken as a consequence for carving on the table by asking "Mama, where is my camera that Aunt K got me for my bday?" right in front of Aunt K!!! The little devil knew exactly what she was doing!! Aunt K is extremely sensitive. Me taking away a gift that she gave would offend her and somehow my 6 yr old figured that out and tried to play it to her advantage! She did something similar with my MIL to try and get dessert after she had refused to eat dinner at home. I had a little argument with my MIL over it and DD just sat there smiling and watching like it was a Game show. Yeah, real funny honey, causing arguments with my in laws! Another thing that drives me nuts is that she refuses to talk when I am trying to include her in a conversation and give her some attention. Then, when my 2 yr olds therapists come (4 of them a week) she will talk to them the whole time about herself, ask them to come see something in her room, and step in between them and the baby to try and get their attention. She will also do things for the baby that the therapist is trying to get the baby to do. Once again, other adults do not see through what she is doing and think I am being harsh when I make her play in her room. They are there for therapies with the baby and she does everything she can do to make it about her! I have talked to her about it and she still does it. She is always the victim in every situation. She starts stuff with her little sister (like holding her sister's favorite doll and pacing back and forth in front of her until she sees it) Of course a 2 yr old is going to grab it and say mine and then B says to me "J is taking my dolly away!" She also provokes the baby by getting up in her face and trying to hold her. The baby will push her away and say "Nooooo" over and over, but B does not stop. She will just keep pushing herself at the baby and grabbing her and then of course the baby will hit her or pull her hair and then B will cry and want me to punish the baby! Well HELLO! Did you not hear her say "NOOOOO sissy!" repeatedly! This causes constant turmoil not to mention the stuff she tries to start with her brother. Well, that was a sufficient rant! I am just so frustrated and out of tools to deal with this stuff. I have exhasted all the consequences with her, nothing seems to motivate her to change. Oh, and confession time:o :o Today, I did the thing I said I would never do! I told her that her mawmaw had spoiled her rotten and let her run the show but that I had no intention of ever giving up my spot as mom of the house. I told her that her mawmaw was wrong for letting a child boss her around and that it was not good for her. Although what I said was 100% truth, it was still very wrong to talk badly about her grandma to her. I feel terrible and it did no good for our relationship.:hissy:

Personally, I don't think you bad mouthed Grandma. You spoke the truth. Now if you had said "Well Grandma was stupid to be manipulated by a child..." then I would say you were out of line. I think kids need to hear the truth and the truth is a child should not run the house. When she gets older and is a grown up THEN she will get to do those things, make those choices, etc. As far as everything else you mentioned: :grouphug: I don't have any great advice but a whole lot of empathy and compassion for you both.

Thank you so much for your support. I know that my DD is miserable on the inside when she is doing these things. I just don't know how to help her when so much of the damage was already done before I even met her. We have created a structured, safe environment, given one on one time, done special things for her, put her in sports and horse back riding to build self esteem, clear consequences, rewards, praise, kept in contact with birth family so she wouldn't have any more broken attatchments, everthing we know to do! A big part of my frustration is with the state who places these kids in our home knowing that they are hurting children, knowing that they have attatchment disorders, and then once the adoption is finalized we are pretty much on our own. Yes, we have a therapist. She comes about twice a month and rotates seeing B and her brother. SO, at best, she has therapy every other month! Yep, that's 6 times a year. And, what about therapy for the parents who are going crazy dealing with these behaviors 24/7. There is absolutely ZERO support or help for US. The therapists makes it very clear that she is here for the kids. How can you really help the kid without helping the MOM who cares for her every day and will be there for her the rest of her life???:confused: I think I need more help than my daughter! LOL